This Just In: Tweens, Candy Crush, Running, N THANGS

OH HAYYYY.
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Remember me?

Evidently, I need Juan Pablo in my life to tell me “ees okay” in order to craft any sort of post, which is frightening. So now you just get my random train of thought. YAWELCOME.

I’ve been running more than once per week. I’ve also been eating entire pints of Ben and Jerry’s for dinner, but that’s neither here nor there. We do baby steps in this joint, mmkay? During one of said runs, this came up on my Pandora.
pandortween

Come on! Just because I have Taylor Swift and Glee as Pandora stations does not mean I am 12 years old.
**UPDATE** I just opened Pandora and my three suggestions were Celine Dion, Rod Stewart, and *gulp* Today’s Country. This system is quite obviously flawed. I want a refund on this free app.
**UPDATE #2** I just went to re-read this before posting and couldn’t help but notice that I chose a Lizzie McGuire GIF. Consider this entire “tween argument” a moot point…

Speaking of apps, it has been almost one year since I’ve been off the ‘book. I was searching for this post for those of you hoping to beat your own Facebook addiction and needing inspiration to do so. However, when searching for that I also came across this post. I am disgusted to admit that I still play Candy Crush. Does anyone do this anymore? I’m not even going to tell you what level I’m on because I don’t like to open myself up to criticism – that’s why I have a blog.he also has a weekly feature where he shows you all the youtube videos youve already seen

Catch ya on the flip!

Five Thing Friday, 03.21.14

1. I hate to start a Friday on such a negative note, but I have horrifying news. Not only did I have to go to the dentist yesterday for a cleaning (LOATHE TIMES 8 BILLION) but I was told that I have not one but TWO cavities. Don’t worry though, I was told “it’s not even your fault. You just have really deep grooves in your teeth. It’s bound to happen eventually. They’re small, but I’ll still numb you.” What does that mean? I will eventually need all of my teeth drilled? Should I just get dentures? If it’s not my fault, then why am I being punished? Oh, and of COURSE you’ll still numb me. Is it ever, oh, I’m just putting this electric drill in your mouth for 10 seconds instead of a minute so you can just deal with the pain!!?!? (I realize that some people actually do that and I am being a huge baby and this turned into a giant rant but I just hate dentistry and everything it involves. K thanks.)
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2. I want to one day devote a full post to this, but can we stop with the open heart surgery commercials being aired on television as a tactic to get people to quit smoking? Some of us don’t do well with seeing a bloody heart right before them. That’s why I didn’t go to medical school.* I don’t smoke – never have, never will – and I would appreciate not having these commercials shoved in my face. Also, it’s 2014. People are aware of the negative health effects of cigarettes. If they want to smoke, they will. If they want to quit, they will. This isn’t new information. No one is watching this as they light up thinking Oh, shit. this is bad for me? I had NO idea! I better stop.

3. How is Carson Daly on The Today Show? I think this literally every morning as I’m watching. This morning, he even had a seat because he was filling in for Matt Lauer. What? Just stick to what you know and tell me what the #1 video is this week.
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4. This is such a ranty post. Sorry not sorry.

5. Every day this week I woke up and thought at least it’s Friday! and then immediately wanted to punch someone in the face. Every. Day. Today, it was finally true. Have a sweet sweet weekend my friends.

*Just kidding. I, of course, couldn’t go to medical school even if I wanted to due to lack of intelligents.

Five Thing Friday, 03.14.2014

Thrilled to be back for my first Friday in quite some time, so let’s get down to it.

1. I am still suffering from the effects of Daylight Savings.
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Look, I’m all for more sunlight at the end of the day, but my word, it is RUFF getting up when it is still dark out.

2. Before we had yet another wonderful snowstorm, we had a few beautiful days (ie. above 40) and I managed to run 3 times this week. I know what you’re thinking - but Erica, you haven’t exercised in any way, shape, or form in months. Did your body even remember how to run? No. No, it did not. When I first started I was like Oh, this is so wonderful. It feels so great to get that heartbeat up.
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Within 60 seconds that quickly changed.
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3. Since I know many of us are longing for Spring, might I bring your attention to one of my favorite posts of all time, and something I am feeling very strongly about right now. A Love Letter to Flip Flops.

4. UMMM Juan Pablo MADE a CREEPY VIDEO for NIKKI (CAPS in HONOR of his RIDICULOUS and INACCURATE use of THEM).

If by some outrageous chance you thought that was unique and thoughtful, it was also discovered that he previously made one for his now ex-wife. I don’t speak Spanish but the song in this one is MUCH better than Nikki’s. Sucks for her.

5. Have a great weekend and don’t get too schnockered at St. Patrick’s Day festivities!
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The Bachelor, Week 10: Eh, Me a Big Jerk

I. Can. Not.

Can’t.

This may have been the first time that Chris Harrison accurately referred to the episode as “the most dramatic finalay.” Although, I could think of a few other words to describe it – idiotic, laughable, ridiculous, uncomfortable….You get the point.

Clare and Nikki both met Juan Pablo’s family in the beautiful island of St. Lucia, which JP so eloquently articulated “is so pretty. The ocean is so blue.” Congrats on learning your colors, jack wagon.
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Clare met the family first and she kept doing her stupid lip-puckering thing. What is that about? His mom said that she knows he can be rude but Clare didn’t care because he’s sexy, duh! JP was talking to his cuz who told him that Clare is in love with him and J Pabs acted incredibly uncomfortable and wanted to run for the hills. No red flags here!

Nikki was next and his mom seemed pretty skeptical when she told him she was in love with him (not of Nikki’s sincerity, but wondering how someone was in love with her ridiculous son). The cousin is pretty much the only level-headed person in this family and was asking the important questions. He pointed out to Nikki that JP would walk away from the relationship if things get tough, and she was like that’s cool because passion! And sexy, duh! And wait, did you see my tat?
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The fact that his family was warning the girls is a huge sign but neither of them seem to care. I mean, did you see his abs? He’s such a great kisser! Who cares if he’s a selfish prick?!

On Clare’s date, she said he said something very sexual when the cameras were off and she wouldn’t repeat it. LAME! TELL US! They finally got something out of her and she
“paraphrased” that he told her that he loved hooking up with her, but used worse words, so he must have been super rude. SHOCKING. She was upset because he said he didn’t know her enough and she didn’t know him enough. They talked about this and he was basically like, ummm I no ready to get marry. He said his favorite thing about her is how much she loves her family, so it was really nice of him to pick something unique. After he told her he was unsure about their relationship, he told her he could see himself moving to Sacramento with her and said “if I’m with you we’re gonna have a baby in like a year and 2 months.” Well, that’s an oddly specific time frame. Maybe he thinks that’s how long a pregnancy lasts. This asinine conversation somehow reassured her that they had more than a physical attraction.
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Similarly to Clare, Nikki admitted that her main concern was that she didn’t know how he felt about her. She addressed this with him and was like I feel like you’re guarded because you’re scared of being hurt because I am so fantastic and there is no other reason. Nonchalantly, he responded “no. When I feel it, I will say.” This statement that he doesn’t have feelings for her somehow comforted and reassured her. K.

So, the Pabs ends up dumping Clare, not even acting like he was upset about it. He was like eh well, someone need go home. Me pick you because me bang you and that all me want. He tried to hug her and she pushed him away. YOU GO GURL.
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Clare was like AXCUSE ME, you told me you wanted me to have all of your babies tomorrow and live in Sacramento with me you asshole. She stormed off and did head a snap at the last moment to dramatically add “I’m happy because I would never want you to be the father of my children.” Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Then she ran into Chris Harrison’s studly arms and JP looked around and said “oooo glad I didn’t pick her.”
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You are not helping yourself, bro.

Moving on….

True to form, Nikki walked off the boat in a dress with a slit up to her ass.

Can you see my vageen? NO!? Someone get me scissors stat.

She was like I am so in love with you and want to marry you tomorrow and have 10 babies with you to which he responded “thanks, I like you a lot.” Well, don’t come on too strong! You’re going to scare her away! Pabs didn’t propose but he told her that he wanted to just date and see what happens. Honestly, this is what all of these stupid contestants should be doing so that was actually the most mature thing he did this entire season. Too bad he couldn’t even be praised for that due to his horrible personality. So, whatever. These two were all giddy and we had to hear the word “assept” for the last time when he gave her the final rose.

This is becoming an incredibly long post, so if you’re still with me, good. We’re getting to the meat, my friends. AFTER THE FINAL ROSE.
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Let me preface this by saying that Clare was my least favorite on the show this season. I would have rather been forced to watch Lucy the “free spirit.” That being said, bitch got class. I was scared that she was going to come out and still be upset about the whole thing but she was so over it and I was genuinely happy for her. She quite obviously dodged a massive bullet and she recognized that. She told Chris Harrison that she didn’t want to talk to Juan because she had nothing to say to him. YOU GO GURLFRAN.

Juan Pablo came out and there was zero applause. He basically dodged every question and said he had no regrets. When Chris asked him about Clare, he brushed it off and said “eh Clare had to go home.” Oh, alright.

Nikki came out next on her own and said that JP still hasn’t told her he loved her but said the relationship is going great. Chris Harrison definitely has a personal beef with Juan Pablo and he used this information to make him look like the biggest douche. This was painful to watch. CH kept pushing the issue, asking if he loved Nikki at least 8 times. Every time, JP just wouldn’t he wouldn’t say that he loves her.
Side note: Can we all agree on this? Who do you think you are, bro!?
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Juan Pablo continued to say that he wants to continue his relationship with Nikki out of the public eye. Sean Lowe was in the audience and kindly pointed out that he was on a national television show and that wouldn’t be possible. Moron. My favorite was when Catherine added “Don’t bite the hand that fed you” and JP was baffled by what it could possibly mean. Des and Chris were also in the audience. Des must have been relieved since the heat is officially off of her for sobbing over the love of her life leaving one day and accepting a proposal from another guy the next day.

I will end this on a positive note. As predicted, Andi is going to be the bachelorette! WAHOO. Good thing they showed her walking in 20 different outfits to show how versatile and likable she is. See you in May, BEESHES!

The Bachelor, Week 9: Juan Pablo is the Worst and I Want to be Special

The “Women Tell All” episodes of The Bachelor, or WTA, if you will, are always pretty catty between the women. Not in Juan Pablo’s case. In this episode, we learned what we already knew – Juan Pablo sucks and no one really liked him.

Before the women chatted, we heard from Sean and Catherine post-wedding. They quite obviously discussed the wedding night and consummation station. They started describing it as romantic, with rose petals on the bed and I thought for a second that they might actually be appropriately quiet about the whole thing. Then Sean admitted that there were fireworks, to which Catherine responded “quick fireworks” implying well, you know. Is she out of her mind? Why on earth would you announce that on live television? Poor Sean.

The next 15 minutes were spent with the girls saying how sexy Juan Pablo is and how much they love his accent, confirming that his personality sucked and they did in fact only stay around because they wanted to bone him. They all explained that he was uninterested in learning anything about them and would never allow them to have deep conversations. So, everything we already knew, once again.
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They went on to claim that he used his daughter as an excuse for not kissing people. Also accurate. He would kiss Cassandra (mom) and then tell Renee that he couldn’t kiss her because he wanted to respect her son. He was clearly just more attracted to Cassandra. Stop lying and using your daughter as an excuse

None of the ladies knew about Clare and JP in the ocean until they watched the show. They didn’t hate on her as much as I had anticipated and all agreed that they would’ve done the same thing if they had thought of it first. Again, they were in agreement that he handled the situation horribly and said that he was just as much to blame, if not more, than she was, and he should have owned up to it.

Sharleen got in the hot seat to discuss why she left. She basically said they she just knew he wasn’t “the one.” She admitted she could have dated him happily, but they wouldn’t have worked well in a marriage together. Chris Pervert Harrison kept bringing up how much Sharleen and Juan Pablo sucked face on the show. She admitted that essentially, she was just physically attracted to him but there was not much under the surface. She did say that he did try to get to know her and they did have great conversations about the world, contrary to what the other girls experienced.

Renee was up next. Nothing special happened. She talked about how they went more slowly than the rest of the girls and obviously Juan Pablo just didn’t have the same feelings that she did. She said she was in a “situation” and seemed very happy now (AKA not the next Bachelorette).

Andi went up next to talk to CH. She said at first, the fantasy suite was great. They had fun and laughed and then it went downhill when he started name-dropping and talking about his soccer career and how great he is. She did say she regretted not saying anything to him during their actual date, but she didn’t regret leaving. My favorite is that she faked sleep that night LOLZ. She said she’s still looking for love and she definitely believes in that “great love.” (AKA next Bachelorette!)

Juan Pablo came out and it was kind of sad because he was genuinely expecting them to be happy to see him. He again referred to Renee and Cassandra as his special ones because they are single moms and some girl I don’t know was like “Ummm we all left things behind at home.” He addressed the whole not-kissing-Renee thing and again repeated that he was just thinking of Ben’s feelings. Cassandra made the best point here and said that if he really cared about Ben’s feelings then he wouldn’t have done a hometown date with Renee when he didn’t really see a future with her. BOOM. The whole thing was super repetitive and they all basically said that they would have preferred if he got to know them and took the whole process more seriously – because this a serious way to find a spouse, you guys.

Kelly brought up his recent statement about how he thought that the show should not allow homosexuals and she was super offended because her parent are gay. Some other girl I don’t know jumped in and was like “stop using English as a second language as a cop out [you annoying piece of shit].” Sharleen defended him and said they they actually discussed things like equality and he seemed very open-minded. He handled the situation well and told Kelly that he would rather take an hour to talk to her about the situation than try to cram it into just the few minutes that he had left. I hope he actually did that.

Favorite blooper: “She will accept me and my little package.” – Juan Pablo referring to himself and his daughter as this repeatedly until a producer told him to stop saying that because it “may sound like you have a small penis.”

abc, abc bachelor, abc the bachelor, bachelor, bachelor season 18

The Bachelor, Week 8, Part Dos: I No Know Dis Word

Welcome to St. Lucia, where fantasy suite nightmares come true. JP kept telling us how he couldn’t wait to stay overnight with each of the women without cameras so they could “talk” in private. I guess he’s not worried about his daughter seeing anything inappropriate anymore. Unrelated, but Camilla is four. He understands that he’s the parent, yes? And he’s able to just not let her watch the show? And even if she did, she probably wouldn’t understand it? I digress.

When he gave Clare the key and obligatory note from Chris Harrison, she was rightfully hesitant due to their awkward encounter weeks earlier in the ocean. She essentially told him that she was okay with it as long as he was okay with it – AKA don’t wake up tomorrow morning and blame me and make me feel like Vivian Ward (especially when you ain’t no Edward Lewis). They obviously accepted the fantasy suite and Clare told him “I’m just like loving falling in love with you” because ladies be articulate up in this joint.

Andi and Juan Pablo chatted and played soccer with the local children which, of course, gave them an accurate glimpse into their future of raising foreign children. He brought Andi to yet another waterfall and they seemed to actually have a super good conversation about thangs. These two also accepted the fantasy suite from Chris Pervert Harrison. The next morning, JP said their overnight date was amazing while Andi said the date was a nightmare. DUN DUN DUN.
Tonight, the fantasy suites turn into nightmares. #TheBachelor two-night event continues tonight at 8|7c on ABC!
She kept saying that he kept talking about himself the entire time and was acting like this is brand new information. How is this the first time you realized that, Andi? Looks like you were the one without your listening ears on up until now.

JP and Nikki went horseback riding and Nikki wore a bra with fringe because that is super appropriate for horseback riding. Their date was nothing special. They accepted the fantasy suite for their overnight, she told him she loved him, blah blah blah.

Back to the good stuff. The ladies each left Juan Pablo videos to watch before the rose ceremony. Clare and Nikki were both like “I love you and want to make babies with you even though you’re not very smart and very selfish.” Andi’s video was like “Look, I’m a lawyer, and I need to talk to you in person so I can have a solid debate about your personality flaws because I really miss arguing.” This conversation was ridiculous, and as Andi said, it’s not because of the language barrier. JP is literally so unintelligent it’s outrageous. She essentially told him that she was pissed at him because he put in no effort to learn about who she is, and he’s so self-centered, and hellooooo welcome to everything that everyone already knew except for you. It eventually came out that Juan Pabs told her that she only made it this far by default which is absurd. He tried to get out of it by saying that word isn’t in his vocabulary (probably factual) and clarifying that he said she “barely” made it. Oh, well that makes it better. She kept getting so mad at him, but I think she was mostly pissed at herself for not realizing he had the mind of an 8-year-old.

So, Andi left and set herself up perfectly to be the next bachelorette. Was this planned? Probably. Andi’s really smart for adults, and she only had to out-smart a child. She made herself likeable, left early enough, and made it clear that she has no respect for Juan Pablo, let alone has any sort of romantic feelings for him. She’s ready for love and a husband, but “I just don’t want it to be him.”

You go girl! See you in May with 25 attractive and (hopefully) intelligent men.

The Bachelor, Week 8, Part Juan: Welcome Home, Pookie

Hometown visits are my favorite because everyone’s family always screws it up for them, but no one’s chances were really ruined last night, which was disappointing. Juan Pablo went to Nikki’s hometown first, in Kansas City, MO. She took him to Oklahoma Joe’s Barbecue and then he rode a bull and puked up his barbecue (the last part wasn’t aired, but it definitely happened.)

Nothing all that outrageous happened at Nikki’s. Their parents liked Juan (I guess that’s a little outrageous) and Nikki told her mom that she wouldn’t be surprised if the next time she saw them, she was engaged. Nikki kept saying how she wanted to tell JP that she loved him but couldn’t for some reason. The reason is that she probably doesn’t.

Juan Pabs went to Andi’s next in Atlanta, GA. Andi decided to take him to the shooting range for their date because that’s cool. No thanks. Andi’s dad was super skeptical at dinner and was not hiding it at all. JP didn’t understand why it was troubling to him that he was dating 4 women. Ummmm.

Next up? Renee, who is so chill and has been in the background this entire season. They went to her hometown of Sarasota, FL. Juan Pablo got along with her son, Ben, really well which makes sense since they’re on the same maturity/intelligence level of eight years old. Renee also wanted to tell Juan Pablo that she loved him, but couldn’t do it. I’d imagine that it’s because this is what she kept picturing.

Sacramento, CA was the next stop to meet Clare’s family. Clare is the youngest of six girls. She is 32 so the rest have to be all in their 30′s and 40′s and every single one of these women kept referring to their mother as “mama” or “mommy.” One sister, Laura, was not okay with the whole situation and she kept saying “you’re not respecting mama” and speaking for this woman. I was under the impression that mama couldn’t speak English since she was speaking to J Pabs in Spanish, but then she switched it over to perfect English – better than JP’s, so I didn’t understand why Laura kept speaking for her. Clare was throwing a fit and they literally were all acting like they were teenagers, so I guess the whole mama/mommy thing was acceptable. Moral? Clare and Juan Pablo deserve each other.

Juan Pablo sent home Renee and I can’t wait until she realizes what an actual blessing in disguise this was. He cried when he sent her home, since now that’s what he does.

We’re left with Nikki, Clare, and Andi. I can’t wait to see what all the drama is about tonight. My guess is that they find out that JP and Clare banged in the ocean like 5 weeks ago.