The Biggest Offense in this Country

Forget illegal immigrants. Forget the economy. Forget equal rights. Forget it all for just a minute and let’s discuss what everyone’s main focus should be at election time.

When are we going to make political campaigns illegal? I’d like to include everything (from pamphlets, yard signs, and annoying tweets) but let’s first tackle the most incriminating offense first: COMMERCIALS.

Does anyone’s opinion change after watching these?!? Wow, looks like Tom has done some shady business based on what is competition is saying. Now I’m not voting for him. This is a serious question – does ANYONE’s opinion change?!

If anything, I’m more likely to be in favor of Tom but then want to punch him in the face when his commercial pops up with his family clad in matching khakis. You look like a bunch of jack wagons and I would be ashamed to allow that sort of garbage to continue. So I was in favor of you, but now I’m voting for Joe because his commercial was less pretentious.

There’s really only one person who’s commercials I’d want to see but I can’t because I don’t live in North Carolina.


Never give up, Clay. Never. Give. Up.


Five Thing Friday, 10.24.2014

1. I bought a brand new bottle of my Clearasil facewash and for 5 days, every time I picked it up, there was facewash on the outside of the bottle. It was so baffling. I made sure to completely remove it each time but alas it would reappear every. Damn. Time. I was starting to think someone was messing with me (probably a ghost) until I realized…


There’s a freaking slit in the back of it. WTF that is so rude. Side note: yes I still use Clearasil face wash and have been since I was like 18. I’m fortunate enough to have the luxurious skin of a prepubescent teen and this is the only stuff that works on my pizza face.

2. Just in case you were tying to decide if Mother Nature is, in fact, a ginormous bitch, she is.


3. I got the new iPhone 6 which is so exciting for so many #firstwordproblem reasons. I had the same iPhone 4 for over three years and it was so pissed at me. Even if I barely used it all day, it would be dead by 5PM. I am currently writing this from my phone on Thursday night at 7PM and it’s at 65% and I haven’t charged it since last night. Also, the screen is the size of my entire old phone – AKA so nice.

4. I’m sure you all think that after my post on Tuesday I was elbow deep in a bowl of chips, but alas, I managed to stay away and am still going strong, except for 5 m & ms.

5. I’m going to see Gone Girl tonight and I cannot wait!!! Don’t fuck this up, Ben Affleck.



Dear Diary,

It’s been 21 days without carbs. Send donuts.


It’s really only been about 10 days or so. In that time I may or may not have had indulged in pizza, pasta, banana bread, wine, and cake. The cake might not completely count because it had buttercream frosting and the jury’s still out on butter.
Butter Diet animated GIF

Obviously I’m not someone who can completely remove carbs from her diet, because ice cream, but I have significantly reduced my intake. My pants are slowly starting to button again which is just a win-win for everyone involved. This has also forced me to cook more which is probably a good thing. There were far too many nights where I slapped a cup of peanut butter on a piece of bread or a spoon and called it dinner.

I’m hoping to keep this up for another month or so because Thanksgiving through the New Year should definitely all be splurge days. If you think a month and a half is too much splurging then you’re barking up the wrong blog.


I’ve Recently Made a Huge Decision

If you think that me writing a post about the spontaneous decision I made to cut my hair is stupid, then you are more than welcome to exit. Let me be vain for a second.


The new ‘do

I haven’t had hair this short in nearly 9 years, so this was a pretty big decision for me. I got tired of trim after trim so I went for it and cut off about 8 inches (I think? When it was straight, it went almost to my ribs). I’ve compiled a serious list of pros and cons for those of you looking to do the same.


  • I had no idea that people ever dried their hair in under an hour. I’m only sort of exaggerating. The dry time plus straightening was just fuggin’ ridiculous.
  • Long hair gets caught in your armpit. You don’t realize your hair is in your armpit. You turn your head and pull your hair. Pain ensues. This is a non-issue for me now.
  • I’d imagine I’m going to save a fortune on shampoo and conditioner (although nothing so far since I continue to place gobs of it in my hand out of habit).
  • Shedding occurs far less frequently. This might not actually be true, but I have noticed a significant difference. I no longer constantly slap my arms to find the random piece of hair that has fallen. This also means much less time picking up clumps of hair off of the floor since my vacuum has become unable to handle an abundance of hair.
  • I am learning to master the blow-out. I’m pretty sure my hair was outraged with how much I used my straightener. I’ve turned it on once in the past week to fix a random chunk that wouldn’t fall right.


  • I’m not sure how it will work curly. I au-natural-ed it the other day for kicks and it was a bit meh. I think it’s still too short to wear that way but I will play around with it more.
  • I am one-thousand percent certain that there will come a time when I miss this

    long hair

    Hey Jack!

  • and being able to do this

    Hey sis!


But, such is life. And besides, it’s just hair so stop making a big freaking deal about it!

Five Thing Friday, 10.10.2014

I think a post per week is an excellent start after I was gone for so long. Let’s hop to it, shall we?

1. Most importantly, I became a GODMUTHA this past weekend. If you’re wondering if Francesca and I are besties yet, we are.20141009-174523-63923705.jpg
The first thing I will teach you is how to smile at the camera, specifically when it’s a pic of the two of us. You’re lucky you’re adorbs no matter what you’re doing.

2. The photo above is the last time you will see my hair that long for quite some time since I chopped it off the following day!20141009-174524-63924208.jpg

I haven’t had my hair this short in almost 10 years. I was scary, but I love it. I dried it yesterday like a big girl without a straightener and it looked surprisingly good! Those round brushes and hair dryer attachments are in fact there for a reason.

3. I did a little fall decorating. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, AmIRite!?20141009-174522-63922190.jpg

4. I came across a blog of someone who refers to themselves as a “life coach.” As in I will offer advice and will ask you for money for it. Oh, and I’m not a therapist. Excuse me? Aren’t these people called “mom,” or “friend” or “sister” or “literally anyone!?” If I have a tough decision to make or need some advice I’m like oh, I’ll ask so-and-so. Never once does it cross my mind DAMNIT if only I had a solid life coach I would find the motivation to finish that project at work. I just can’t believe people like this exist, and even more, people idiots keep them employed. I hate this world sometimes.

5. But I don’t hate it right now because it’s FRIDAYYYY. This is the first weekend in a long time where I have zero plans. Oh, excuse me, I have to go. A bottle of wine just called me and said it’s urgent.
wine animated GIF
Never change, KL. Never change.





Five Thing Friday 10.03.2014

Oh Em Gee. Two Fridays in a row!? Go me.

1. Sherlock has been consuming my life. I’m done with season 3 (I haven’t been THAT terrible – only 3 episodes a season) and now I’m so mad because I have so many unanswered questions that I will need to wait months to have answered. I don’t suggest watching this if you easily have nightmares or very vivid dreams. I surprisingly had no nightmares of Moriarty like I thought I would, but I did in fact have a dream last night that I was examining a dead body with Sherlock sooo yeah.
sherlock animated GIF

2. WTF Ebola. That is all.

3. Someone brought in a 5 lb. bag of peanut m&m’s into work yesterday. It was placed four feet from my desk at 8PM and remained there until 5PM. You do the math. What a cruel yet thoughtful person you are, new co-worker. I ate lettuce for dinner last night (not exaggerating) and I’ll probably get a cold (or Ebola) from everyone’s grubby paws going into the same bowl but I don’t even care. It was so damn worth it.

4. I am getting a much needed haircut on Monday. I have been genuinely considering chopping off anywhere from 1/2″ to a foot (I think I have enough where I could cut off an entire 12 inches!) Sounds gross. It just took me so long to grow and ughhh what a tough (but not at all important) decision.

5. My beautiful baby niece’s Baptism is this Sunday. Oh, and I’m the godmutha – NBD. I like to think I’ll be this kind of godmother.
cinderella animated GIF

Gotta jet! Time to find Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella now.

Well This is Awkward

I knew I hadn’t posted in a while but I didn’t realize it was on my birthday, over a month ago, until I came to blog just now. I feel like I should apologize for leaving for so long but I have no idea if anyone even reads this anymore.

awkward animated GIF

I was going to jump right into a “Five Thing Friday” but it didn’t feel right after so long. You’re basically getting the same thing, just without numbers.

There’s really no excuse for my absence. Well, kind of. I’ve been travelling a lot to see this guy. Oh, and spent a week at the beach.


Oh hey view from our house. I miss you.

After spending a week in glorious summer weather at the beach, I was greeted with fugging FALL. I do like fall, but the cooler temperatures was a cruel reality to return to after I was used to the sun beating down on my flesh every day. Speaking of, I truly have a love/hate relationship with fall. Obviously I’m going to take advantage of a plethora of Reese’s pumpkins while they’re here. I have already gone apple picking and have pumpkins on my table right now. It’s just the harsh reminder that winter is coming and no one even addresses it. Everyone’s just like yayyyy #PSL. Yea, you’ll be cursing that latte when your skin burns from the cold as you dig your car out. EndRant.

In the most exciting news, I started a new job! I’ve been there for about a month but didn’t mention anything about it on here because one, I haven’t been posting, but two – because I was scared it wasn’t real and they were going to take it away. But it’s legitimate and I am so so happy after searching for literally years for a new job. YAY. My advice if you hate your job and are looking for a new one? Cry and curse and want to punch things and think that you will never get a job. It’s therapeutic. BUT, keep writing tedious, awful cover letters, because there is always the chance that someone will finally realize what an awesome employee you are. #InspirationalBlog #LOLnope

I’m sure I have lots more to discuss that I just forgot about but that’s all for now. I will hopefully be back sooner than later.