This Turning 22 + 5 Thing is Getting Old

I can’t believe I’m already 22 AGAIN. This is six times now and it’s getting a little bit ridiculous. I recall some deep lyrics I quoted in my AIM away message the day before my 17th birthday. John Cougar Mellencamp spoke to my tortured soul, apparently:

Hold on to sixteen as long as you can.
Changes come around real soon make us women and men.

How horrifyingly embarrassing that I’m sharing this with you, but I just can’t fathom how that was a decade ago. I also can’t fathom how I ever made friends as a teenager (or adult), but that’s neither here nor there.

I’m a fan of my “26 lessons I learned” post from last year, so I’m posting it again. I suppose I should add a *GULP* number 27, though.

27. You will have a creepy memory and remember what your away message said in 2004 but you’ll have trouble recalling what you did last weekend.


*Originally posted August 13, 2013*

Today is my 5th 22nd birthday!

In honor, I’m posting 26 things that I’ve learned thus far.

  1. Never paint your nails too close to bedtime. #Sheetmarks
  2. Life goes on without Facebook. And it is glorious.
  3. It is possible to enjoy a drink or two. Not every Friday night needs to consist of endless games of beer pong and flip cup, and heading to the bar at 1AM when you run out of beer. Although I will always treasure those nights.
  4. You can get lost on YouTube for hours listening to music.
  5. There is no shame in going to bed at 9PM, even if it is Saturday. Sleep sometimes trumps all else.
  6. You should probably try and save a little money, but if you have the chance to go to a Beyonce’ concert for $150 in the nose-bleeds, do it. That shit is priceless – Mastercard style.
  7. You are never to old to make 11:11 wishes.
  8. Toenails must always be painted. Just say “no” to au natural.
  9. Red wine is for Winter. White wine is for Summer.
  10. TLC’s lyrics are in fact “Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls” as opposed to what 10-year old me thought was “Don’t go, Jason Waterfalls.”
  11. Never leave home without a hair tie around your wrist
  12. Also, say it with me – “phone, wallet, keys, chapstick.”
  13. Few things bring greater joy than scream-singing in the car. Bonus points if you get caught by another driver.
  14. Not everyone will like you. That’s okay. Stop wasting your time trying to make them.
  15. Burnt popcorn is the worst smell in the world. Watch that micro.
  16. The flaws you notice and dislike about yourself? No one else notices them. Relax.
  17. Getting sucked into reality television is one of the most awful and wonderful things. Guilty pleasure, minus the guilt.
  18. Exercise sucks. Do it anyway.
  19. Friendships will change. Hang on to the people you trust most.
  20. You will laugh about the things you cared about four years ago. Consequently, in four years, you’ll likely be laughing about the things you care about today. Try to keep this in mind.
  21. Learn how to give without expecting anything in return.
  22. Time alone can keep you sane. Take yourself on a date every once in a while.
  23. Don’t be rude to strangers. If they’re rude to you, kill ‘em with kindness.
  24. It is one of the hardest things in the world not to compare yourself to other people. Try not to.
  25. Don’t deprive yourself. Sometimes, ice cream is an “always” food.
  26. It’s okay to act ridiculous sometimes. In honor, blast some T-Swift and dance around. I promise, you’ll feel 22 all over again.

The Bachelorette, Week 10: Making Love, Fiance’ Style

We started with the live audience wasting their time while Chris Harrison told us that whoever got sent home (AKA “the loser”) has been trying to get in touch with stalking Andi since the final rose. Thanks for the spoiler, Chris. At that moment, literally everyone knew that Nick was sent home because he’s the only one that would try to find Andi to talk to her/make her change her mind/act like a serial killer.

Nick met Andi’s parents first and was so so so nervous. This was actually the first time I’ve somewhat liked him this season because he was acting like a human. You could tell that he had genuine feelings for her and I felt sorry for him. Andi was talking about Nick and she was just like sooo drawing out her words and explained that Nick is so PASSIONATEEEEE and when he kisses her, he KISSES her. And she enunciates and emphasizes strangely and it’s annoying.

Josh was speed talking when he spoke with Andi’s Dad and I just wish that someone would call him out on the fact that he writes speeches. He cannot talk naturally (more on that later…) Andi’s father, Hy, was the funniest part of this show all season.

Andi took Josh on a yacht where they talked about boring shit and we got a few close-up shots of Josh rubbing her ass. Romance. Later that evening, Josh gave Andi a baseball card “he” made because it was the only way he could make something for her that is actually about him. It said “Andi Murray” on it with “stats” on the back. I don’t even remember what because it was dumb.

Nick and Andi had a picnic and went swimming in a lake. Their evening date was far more awkward than Josh’s and by this point I just wanted to get to the stalking portion that Chris Harrison had promised us earlier. Nick gave Andi a necklace filled with sand from the beach where he first told her he loved her. Weird. Next up: Blood vials al la Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton.

Finally, we came to judgement day and poor Nick had to stand shirtless on a balcony in comparison with Josh. Let’s just kick him when he’s down. Josh picked out his ring for Andi and then we were shown Nick waiting for Neil Lane to enter so he could do the same. Instead, Andi was on the other side of the door.

I actually felt sorry for Nick, but he was acting like this was the first time someone on this show was fooled. He was in shock and didn’t ask many questions. He just packed up his bags and left, but not before removing the dried up roses he had stashed in there beforehand and throwing them away in dramatic fashion.

When Josh met Andi for their proposal, he came prepared with a monologue and the first line was actually about his “first love, baseball,” in case anyone was unaware that he used to play. He said nice things but it was so awkward and forced and memorized. Andi rambled a little more but at least she was natural about it. Luckily, she told him that she realized all of her feelings of being scared that he would hurt her was actually “love.” Huh? Guess the rest of the world has been doing love wrong. They seemed happy but I could have done without the “I love you babe. I love you more” being repeated constantly.

“After the Final Rose” informed us that Nick tried to see Andi in Mexico and she refused. She also refused to see him when he showed up at the men tell all episode so he wrote her a letter. Nick is obviously still heartbroken and needed to find a way to stick it to Andi, and stick it he did when he asked “If you didn’t love me then why did you make love with me?” I died. Andi was pizzzzzed. She wasn’t being nice after that. Way to go Nick – you just blew up her spot that she had sex with both you and Josh in the fantasy suites. And evidently it was “fiancé sex” To Nick – whatever that means.

I’m so happy his dumb season is over.

I will be watching Bachelor in Paradise and will hate it, I’m sure.

Until next time, folks.

The Bachelorette, Week 9: Annoying Men Tell All Uninteresting Things

We interrupt your regularly scheduled “Five Thing Friday” so I can stay on top of my Bachelorette recaps.

This “Men Tell All” episode was going to be a snooze fest, and they knew it, so they had Ashley and JP on the show to not only talk about their pregnancy, but to do a live ultrasound. What the hell is wrong with people? It was so bizarre. I won’t even mention the fact that she was wearing a dress with a slit down her stomach. Oh wait, yes I will mention that.

They discussed the whole “blackies” thing because it was the only source of any drama on the show. I mean, obviously Andrew said it – or something to that effect. They played the clip but had “no audio.” Yeah, okay. The producers just needed to spin this on Andrew because they are avoiding the fact that the show is indeed incredibly racist. Black bachelor anyone? Never. They’re just trying to cover their own asses because Andrew probably made the comment in a “wow, that never happens on this show” kind of way, but they can’t make themselves look bad, so let’s make this poor guy nearly lose his job.

Marquel was in the hot seat. It was boring. He gave out cookies. The end.

Marcus went in the hot seat next. He seemed so depressed about Andi still. He is definitely still obsessing over it. Just stop, dude. She’s annoying. He’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise so all of you Marcus lovers can rejoice.

Chris the upside down smile farmer went in the hot seat next. He will not be on the paradise stupidity which leads me to believe that he will in fact be the next bachelor. Which leads me to believe that it will be the least watched season of this show. He is so damn boring. They had some woman from the audience act like she wanted to go on a date with him to try to butter us up to he idea of a boring ass bachelor. Ugh.

Andi came out and gave every single guy generic answers about why she sent them home, AKA “it just wasn’t there.” Thanks for the closure, Andi. I can’t wait til we don’t have to deal with her selfish antics anymore.

Join me Monday night in hating everyone.

Five Thing Friday 7.18.2014

1. I went to see Justin Timberlake in concert on Wednesday night and it was amazing. Dare I say better than Beyonce? I don’t know, but it was pure bliss. I will admit that I don’t know many of his new songs, but luckily he played old faves, including my all time favorite, “Señorita.” We were dancing the entire show and were sweating by the end. As Katie said, “I feel like I was just at a club.” That’s a concert, my friends. If only I had one of JT’s 800 talents.20140718-095404-35644901.jpg

2. I am late to the game and just started watching 30 Rock on Netflix. So wonderful. So obsessed. Love Liz Lemon along with ever other girl who felt a little quirky/nerdy at any point in her entire life.

3. PSA: Do not. I repeat, do NOT shop for bathing suits after eating Chipotle. You’re welcome.
HW people like making fun of burqinis but i think theyre a damn good idea

4. It’s a struggle, though, because it’s important to remember that pizza trumps all. 20140718-093813-34693486.jpg

5. How is it already mid-July? Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the weather before the bitter cold of winter comes along and you forget that you have toes. Womp Womp.

The Bachelorette, Week 9: My Giant Ego and My Heart Don’t Match Up

Ughhhh. Helicopter ride, make out on beach, canoodle on towel. Repeat. Andi asked Nick about his “bad breakup” and he said he was just upset because his ego was bruised. She froze, probably realizing that the same thing would happen again if she doesn’t pick him. I thought Nick already told Andi/his dinner that he loved her, but I guess not. Good thing he did though, otherwise she would have kicked him to the curb. This is a one way street. Doesn’t matter how Andi feels. Just make sure you worship the ground she walks on, fellas. Nick told her he has a childlike sense of wonder so he “wrote” her a “book.” Why does Andi eat this shit up? My 6-week-old niece (had to throw that in) would have written and illustrated a more eloquent story. We didn’t hear the end, but I think it was “Nick trapped Andi against her will in his basement for the rest of her life.” The only other thing worth noting about this date is that Nick wore pink pants that were so snug that it was impossible to tell if you were looking at Nick’s legs or Andi’s legs.

Ever-needing attention, Andi said it would be nice to hear that Josh loves her. I bet it would have been nice to hear what your feelings were, too, selfish B. They ate something that’s supposed to be an aphrodisiac because Josh knew there was a private room at the end of this date. Luckily, Josh did tell Andi he loves her so she kept him around. They played baseball because Andi knows he would have been pissed if they didn’t. Andi was upset because Josh is “always happy” and she needs to know if he’s serious. Yea, what an asshole. How dare he be happy?! When Andi asked him about the fantasy suite he responded “it’s too easy” and she laughed. Oh, sweetie.

Andi said this was a make or break date for Chris. Poor thing already told her he loves her so she has no use for him anymore. They went horseback riding which Andi definitely hated, so that sealed the deal. She ended it with Chris and sent him home before the rose ceremony. I felt bad for him, but could have done without Andi hysterically crying. Stop acting like you care about Chris when the next day you are happiy clinking glasses with Nick and Josh, excited for them to meet your family.

It’s okay, though, because the next day she pondered her decision in a fluorescent muumuu.


In her heart to heart with CH (is he in okay health? Just aging? He looked ruff) Andi was like “if I could do it all over again I would want these two to be the final two.” Well, I hope so.

I’m so ready for this unusually boring and irritating season to be over. For Nick’s sake, I hope she’s not basing her decision on their Instagram photos. I think Josh would be the clear winner if that’s the case.


Five Thing Friday, 7.11.14

1. It’s no secret that I’m not a big fan of running, but usually by this time of year I’m in pretty good shape. That is not the case right now. It really wouldn’t be a problem, but my clothes are just a tic too snug, and I don’t want to buy new ones. So, I’ve taken up a new activity.

Um. Swimming is hard you guys. Like really hard. You know how in other sports you can push yourself? When you’re running and you feel like death, you can be like “just get past this barking dog before he attacks you and then you can stop.” In swimming it’s more like, “just do one more lap. Oh wait, don’t because you’ll drown.”

2. Al and I made the decision to cancel our cable. Best decision ever. The only shows I watch are The Bachelor(ette), Glee, The Mindy Project, Modern Family… Okay, that’s actually a lot, BUT we will still have those channels. Or can watch online. I feel like you really only need cable if you want to watch sports which I quite obviously don’t.

3. I’ve only had ice cream like 3 times this summer. Wait. That’s a lie. Specifically, just soft serve I’ve only had like 3 times. Side note: When I was at Tim’s last week, I opened his freezer to find 4 pints of Ben and Jerry’s and 3 half gallons of ice cream so I decided to keep him around. Except they were all unopened (wtf?!) I fixed that.

4. This was very much needed today.


5. I’m out. HAPPY FRIDAY!

The Bachelorette, Week 8: When Will Someone Address the Fact that Andi is SELFISH?

I love hometowns because they’re so stupid, and Al pointed out something last night that made me realize why. Every single family acts like it is a life shattering event. They sob. A LOT. They grill both parties with questions that are completely unable to be answered at this point. People meet their significant others’ families literally every day. They will either end up together or they won’t. No one cries about it unless they’re in front of a camera.

Andi and Nick went to Milwaukee to meet Nick’s giant family. His youngest sister was maybe 10 years old and asked Andi questions that were obviously pre-written out for her. When she asked Andi what her favorite thing about Nick was, she dove into a conversation about mental and emotional connections. Maybe you should have stuck to something simple when talking to the 10-year-old. Just say “I like our conversations,” or “I like that he looks like a murderer.” You know, something she can easily understand.

Andi went to Iowa to meet Chris upside down smile farmer’s family and I realized if these two end up together (not gonna happen) their children would be cursed with upside down smiles.

Chris took Andi on a tractor and she was so excited because she said her most common/worst line of the season: “this is a mannnn.” They talked about their future and Chris basically told her he would never move so Andi asked what she could do for work and he responded “well, there’s always the opportunity to be a homemaker.” Welcome to the 1950s, everyone! Me man. Me ride tractor. You like man. You make babies. Chris hired a blimp to fly over the cornfield and had a sign read “Chris loves Andi” and she ate it up, so I guess she’s okay with the whole homemaker thing. Full disclosure: Ain’t nothing wrong with doing that if that’s your thing, but that SOOO does not seem like Andi, which is what bothers me. Girlfran loves her work so I think it’s dumb she’s acting like she’d be willing to give it up to live on a farm. I guess it doesn’t matter since these two definitely won’t end up together.

I think Andi liked Chris’ family more than she likes him. They played some ridiculous game and I forget what they called it, but it was essentially hide-and-go-seek. When Andi found Chris behind some farm equipment in an open field he told her “you’re so smart.” I guess it’s good to know that he’s great with children.

Josh took Andi to play some baseball because he’s trying to relive his glory days. He essentially said that he stopped playing by his own choice because he wanted a family, but that was over five years ago I think. It sounds like he was just awful and couldn’t play anymore (You can look it up if you so choose. This ain’t no sports blog). I think Josh is awful, but when are we going to address the fact that Andi is so incredibly selfish? Josh’s brother was hoping to be drafted by the NFL and she was worried that all of the focus would be on him, rather than herself. She kept repeating that this was an exciting time in Josh’s life too and she wanted them to be excited for him, but Josh didn’t seem bothered when they were talking about football. Later that night, she voiced her concerns over the fact that she might be “forced” to go to football games on Sundays if Josh’s brother were drafted. WUT. I hate football. Despise it. But if I had the chance to watch my boyfriend’s brother play in the NFL, I would go any chance I got. That sounds like a blast. She is the worst.

Andi went to Dallas to meet Marcus’ family, but not before he reenacted their first date when he was forced to uncomfortably strip for her. It’s all about the romance, you guys. Nothing all that significant happened with Marcus’ family. Marcus did take the opportunity to thank his brother for being a father figure when his father left. That’s a great moment. Maybe do that in private, rather than when there are 50 cameras in your face. Andi was like “life with Marcus would be a fairytale. He adores me and is obsessed with me and would treat me like the princess that I am.” That’s great Andi. Are any of those feelings reciprocated? Selfish.

We watched Chris Harrison tell the group that Eric passed away. It was super sad so I can’t snark on this too much. I just feel like Andi tried to turn this into something that it wasn’t: ABOUT HER. She felt sooo guilty that she was so mean to him and that was their last conversation. One of all, you knew him for 2 weeks. If this was a close friend or something, then I could see you feeling guilty, but no. Two of all, he didn’t even seem upset when you were a total bitch. He didn’t like you and thought you were fake. I think he was happy he left.

For the first time this season, the rose ceremony shocked me. She sent home Marcus. Over Chris. There is no doubt in my mind that Nick and Josh will be the final two, which is unfortunate because they are the absolute worst guys out of the entire group of 25 men. What an awful selection. Would you rather step on rusty nails or hot coals? Neither, please.