Five Thing Friday, 11.21.2014

1. Why do people continue to refer to Winter as a “Polar Vortex?” It happens every year (usually around November for us folk in the Northeast) but it’s more commonly known as “Winter” or “Awful.” I do realize it was colder than normal in other areas of the country and blah blah blah but if you think I’m going to have any sort of sympathy for Texas having temperatures in the 40′s for two days, you are sadly mistaken.

2. It is officially Christmas Season! I’m shocked I haven’t put up the tree yet and it will probably happen this weekend (sorry, Al). I’ve been listening to Christmas music since November 1st. Anyone who thinks it is too soon is welcome to leave. If you’re not a scrooge and need a good Pandora Christmas music station, I think the choice is clear.
All I Want For Christmas Celebrity Christmas animated GIF
Such a pain in the ass, but so amazing.

3. I started reading Emily Giffin’s The One & Only when I was on vacation in September. I haven’t picked it up since because I’ve been busy I’m lazy. I finally picked it up the other night and finished it. I enjoyed it but not as much as her other books. I can’t figure out why. *SPOILER ALERT*
I think I just could not wrap my brain around the fact that this girl was not only in love with someone twice her age, but who also happened to be her best friend’s father, oh and he practically raised her. It was just too weird for me. I wasn’t rooting for them. When you’re writing about a kiss and have to point out the man’s wrinkles, you’ve gone too far.

4. Dear Nutella, Peanut Butter, et al: You’ve done a great job over the years, but your services are no longer required.

5. Tomorrow is our 4th Annual Friendsgiving! I can’t decide if I should wear my black leggings, or my black leggings, or my black leggings.
friends animated GIF

The Internet: A Hate/Hate Relationship

The Internet is a scary and wonderful thing. It can inform you of the minuscule chance that your runny nose is, as suspected, Tuberculosis. It can show you that there are many workouts available for you to do in the comfort of your own home. You can even “pin” them to make people confused as to how you haven’t lost weight yet when they see you. It can make you drool over a photo of cake batter cascading into a pan.


Thanks, Pioneer Woman. For the record, I’ve made this, and the title is accurate in claiming it is the “Best Chocolate Sheet Cake. Ever.”

It can make you hate people.

I came across a few (okay, just two) ridiculous things over the past few weeks and it’s not fair that I have to suffer seeing them in solitude.

First, for those of you struggling to figure out how on earth the whole soap and water thing works, this idiot finally figured it out.

AXCUSE ME?! You guys. I clicked this link via Pinterest. I’m so pissed at myself but I thought, this has to be some sort of joke, or someone trying to market to infants, but I Kid. You. Not. It was a step-by-step tutorial on how to shower. I can’t believe I gave that stupid person clicks and they probably made money from me by telling me that I should, as presumed, wet my hair before shampooing. GET. OUT.

The next stupid comment just shows that money, fame, and giant curly hair, won’t cure you of ignorance and entitled ways.

First of all, there’s nothing I loathe more than random people telling me to vote. Of course, everyone should. It’s one thing to say “get out there and vote,” and end it there, but of course Big O took it to another level.

For someone who claims to be so in-tune with us peasants and understands that not everyone can afford cars so you give them away like candy, where on earth did you find the audacity to tell people to leave their JOBS to vote? Huh!? I’m lucky enough to have a job where that could have been an option for me if necessary, but my peasant brain is somehow able to understand that it’s not an option for everyone. Luckily, the majority of the comments were along the lines of “LOL will you pay my bills when I get fired?” and “ummmm not everyone can do that” or “I wish I could.” Open your eyes Move your giant hair away from your eyes so you can see, Oprah. Not everyone’s job is to sit on a couch and try and figure out where Lindsey Lohan went wrong.
RealityTVGIFs animated GIF

This turned into another huge Oprah rant and I’m not even sorry. People refuse to call her out because they think shit, what if there’s that tiny chance that she’s gonna hand me a key to a new car one day? I can’t burn any bridges. To them I say, burn, baby, mad animated GIF

A DC Photo Dump

I visited Tim this weekend. It was 50 degrees, rainy, and incredibly windy on Saturday so I decided that would be the best day to go explore DC on foot. It ended up being fun and I didn’t start complaining like a toddler that my feet hurt until we neared the end of our excursion. You’re welcome, Tim. Here’s some pics from our day.

We started out at the Washington Monument.
IMG_0085It was here where we heard a concert happening. We saw a giant banner across the stage that read “SLUT WALK” which seemed odd, so we walked a little closer to confirm to our confusion that we did in fact see this correctly. As we guessed, this is an organization to raise awareness about sexual assault. That is a fantastic cause but an absolutely outrageous name. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose? We quickly began to relocate to the WWII Memorial.


Hey NY


There were lots of Veterans here and looked like they were all accompanied by volunteers showing them around which was wonderful but made me question if they were able to bring along a family member or not? I sure hope so. Onward to the Lincoln Memorial.


If you’re looking at the above photo thinking wow, it looks like the memorial is only a hop, skip, and a jump away from you, you are wrong. I was also mistaken and it was probably 5 more miles until we finally arrived.


Hi Abe!


Inaugural Speeches sure were shorter back then.


After Lincoln we headed over to the Vietnam War Memorial. I didn’t take any pictures here. Quite frankly, it was just really depressing. Just a list of names listed along a wall of Americans who died in the war. And the wall was long. We headed over to the Jefferson Memorial after this.IMG_0119Much like Lincoln, good old Tommy Jefferson looked like he was close by, but he was absolutely not, so we took a selfie break.


We made it!

This memorial was much less crowded than everything else we went to that day and I’m pretty sure is because it’s so far away from everything else. Stay lazy, America.

We looped back around and stopped at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial and these stupid birds wouldn’t move.

We walked through the FDR memorial that we didn’t know existed and just happened to come across (#StupidAmericans)


Finally, we trekked over to the White House and I checked 25 times with Tim that this was going to be the last stop because I was tired and wanted beer. He assured me that this would be the last stop since this whole thing was my idea anyway. Oh, right, I forgot.


Same height

I looked for Olivia Pope but couldn’t find her anywhere so I gave up. We went to Clyde’s and had beers and wings, and complained about how tired we were like true lazy Americans. So, all in all, a pretty good day.

Happy Halloween!

For the occasion, here’s a picture of my sister choking me at 14 months. My mom thought it was cute since we were in adorable pumpkin shirts so she took a picture, I guess.



Let’s all try to ignore the fact that we were the same size and she is 3 years older. I liked my milk, alright?

In lieu of my “don’t eat pizza and ice cream every night” diet, I haven’t really eaten Halloween candy which gives me the sads. I came across my Top 10 Halloween Candy post and started drooling. (Can I switch out Skittles for Sour Patch Kids, btw? I don’t know what I was thinking).

I will not be trick-or-treating this year (much to my dismay) but should you be lucky enough to have that privilege, I urge you to demand the best. Should you come across one apple posing as a treat or a measly five bat-shaped pretzels, may you fling that garbage at the kind person giving them away and demand real candy.

bat pretzels

There is one (acceptable) day a year that you get to run through your neighbors’ yards as though it’s your own personal playground, and the outcome better be worth it. And remember, as delicious as those caramel coated popcorn balls of sugar look, refrain from shoving them down your pie hole, since we all know everything homemade contains only poison and razor blades.

Oh, Happy Halloween!

halloween animated GIF

The Biggest Offense in this Country

Forget illegal immigrants. Forget the economy. Forget equal rights. Forget it all for just a minute and let’s discuss what everyone’s main focus should be at election time.

When are we going to make political campaigns illegal? I’d like to include everything (from pamphlets, yard signs, and annoying tweets) but let’s first tackle the most incriminating offense first: COMMERCIALS.

Does anyone’s opinion change after watching these?!? Wow, looks like Tom has done some shady business based on what is competition is saying. Now I’m not voting for him. This is a serious question – does ANYONE’s opinion change?!

If anything, I’m more likely to be in favor of Tom but then want to punch him in the face when his commercial pops up with his family clad in matching khakis. You look like a bunch of jack wagons and I would be ashamed to allow that sort of garbage to continue. So I was in favor of you, but now I’m voting for Joe because his commercial was less pretentious.

There’s really only one person who’s commercials I’d want to see but I can’t because I don’t live in North Carolina.


Never give up, Clay. Never. Give. Up.


Five Thing Friday, 10.24.2014

1. I bought a brand new bottle of my Clearasil facewash and for 5 days, every time I picked it up, there was facewash on the outside of the bottle. It was so baffling. I made sure to completely remove it each time but alas it would reappear every. Damn. Time. I was starting to think someone was messing with me (probably a ghost) until I realized…


There’s a freaking slit in the back of it. WTF that is so rude. Side note: yes I still use Clearasil face wash and have been since I was like 18. I’m fortunate enough to have the luxurious skin of a prepubescent teen and this is the only stuff that works on my pizza face.

2. Just in case you were tying to decide if Mother Nature is, in fact, a ginormous bitch, she is.


3. I got the new iPhone 6 which is so exciting for so many #firstwordproblem reasons. I had the same iPhone 4 for over three years and it was so pissed at me. Even if I barely used it all day, it would be dead by 5PM. I am currently writing this from my phone on Thursday night at 7PM and it’s at 65% and I haven’t charged it since last night. Also, the screen is the size of my entire old phone – AKA so nice.

4. I’m sure you all think that after my post on Tuesday I was elbow deep in a bowl of chips, but alas, I managed to stay away and am still going strong, except for 5 m & ms.

5. I’m going to see Gone Girl tonight and I cannot wait!!! Don’t fuck this up, Ben Affleck.



Dear Diary,

It’s been 21 days without carbs. Send donuts.


It’s really only been about 10 days or so. In that time I may or may not have had indulged in pizza, pasta, banana bread, wine, and cake. The cake might not completely count because it had buttercream frosting and the jury’s still out on butter.
Butter Diet animated GIF

Obviously I’m not someone who can completely remove carbs from her diet, because ice cream, but I have significantly reduced my intake. My pants are slowly starting to button again which is just a win-win for everyone involved. This has also forced me to cook more which is probably a good thing. There were far too many nights where I slapped a cup of peanut butter on a piece of bread or a spoon and called it dinner.

I’m hoping to keep this up for another month or so because Thanksgiving through the New Year should definitely all be splurge days. If you think a month and a half is too much splurging then you’re barking up the wrong blog.