The Bachelorette, Week 9: Annoying Men Tell All Uninteresting Things

We interrupt your regularly scheduled “Five Thing Friday” so I can stay on top of my Bachelorette recaps.

This “Men Tell All” episode was going to be a snooze fest, and they knew it, so they had Ashley and JP on the show to not only talk about their pregnancy, but to do a live ultrasound. What the hell is wrong with people? It was so bizarre. I won’t even mention the fact that she was wearing a dress with a slit down her stomach. Oh wait, yes I will mention that.

They discussed the whole “blackies” thing because it was the only source of any drama on the show. I mean, obviously Andrew said it – or something to that effect. They played the clip but had “no audio.” Yeah, okay. The producers just needed to spin this on Andrew because they are avoiding the fact that the show is indeed incredibly racist. Black bachelor anyone? Never. They’re just trying to cover their own asses because Andrew probably made the comment in a “wow, that never happens on this show” kind of way, but they can’t make themselves look bad, so let’s make this poor guy nearly lose his job.

Marquel was in the hot seat. It was boring. He gave out cookies. The end.

Marcus went in the hot seat next. He seemed so depressed about Andi still. He is definitely still obsessing over it. Just stop, dude. She’s annoying. He’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise so all of you Marcus lovers can rejoice.

Chris the upside down smile farmer went in the hot seat next. He will not be on the paradise stupidity which leads me to believe that he will in fact be the next bachelor. Which leads me to believe that it will be the least watched season of this show. He is so damn boring. They had some woman from the audience act like she wanted to go on a date with him to try to butter us up to he idea of a boring ass bachelor. Ugh.

Andi came out and gave every single guy generic answers about why she sent them home, AKA “it just wasn’t there.” Thanks for the closure, Andi. I can’t wait til we don’t have to deal with her selfish antics anymore.

Join me Monday night in hating everyone.

Five Thing Friday 7.18.2014

1. I went to see Justin Timberlake in concert on Wednesday night and it was amazing. Dare I say better than Beyonce? I don’t know, but it was pure bliss. I will admit that I don’t know many of his new songs, but luckily he played old faves, including my all time favorite, “Señorita.” We were dancing the entire show and were sweating by the end. As Katie said, “I feel like I was just at a club.” That’s a concert, my friends. If only I had one of JT’s 800 talents.20140718-095404-35644901.jpg

2. I am late to the game and just started watching 30 Rock on Netflix. So wonderful. So obsessed. Love Liz Lemon along with ever other girl who felt a little quirky/nerdy at any point in her entire life.

3. PSA: Do not. I repeat, do NOT shop for bathing suits after eating Chipotle. You’re welcome.
HW people like making fun of burqinis but i think theyre a damn good idea

4. It’s a struggle, though, because it’s important to remember that pizza trumps all. 20140718-093813-34693486.jpg

5. How is it already mid-July? Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the weather before the bitter cold of winter comes along and you forget that you have toes. Womp Womp.

The Bachelorette, Week 9: My Giant Ego and My Heart Don’t Match Up

Ughhhh. Helicopter ride, make out on beach, canoodle on towel. Repeat. Andi asked Nick about his “bad breakup” and he said he was just upset because his ego was bruised. She froze, probably realizing that the same thing would happen again if she doesn’t pick him. I thought Nick already told Andi/his dinner that he loved her, but I guess not. Good thing he did though, otherwise she would have kicked him to the curb. This is a one way street. Doesn’t matter how Andi feels. Just make sure you worship the ground she walks on, fellas. Nick told her he has a childlike sense of wonder so he “wrote” her a “book.” Why does Andi eat this shit up? My 6-week-old niece (had to throw that in) would have written and illustrated a more eloquent story. We didn’t hear the end, but I think it was “Nick trapped Andi against her will in his basement for the rest of her life.” The only other thing worth noting about this date is that Nick wore pink pants that were so snug that it was impossible to tell if you were looking at Nick’s legs or Andi’s legs.

Ever-needing attention, Andi said it would be nice to hear that Josh loves her. I bet it would have been nice to hear what your feelings were, too, selfish B. They ate something that’s supposed to be an aphrodisiac because Josh knew there was a private room at the end of this date. Luckily, Josh did tell Andi he loves her so she kept him around. They played baseball because Andi knows he would have been pissed if they didn’t. Andi was upset because Josh is “always happy” and she needs to know if he’s serious. Yea, what an asshole. How dare he be happy?! When Andi asked him about the fantasy suite he responded “it’s too easy” and she laughed. Oh, sweetie.

Andi said this was a make or break date for Chris. Poor thing already told her he loves her so she has no use for him anymore. They went horseback riding which Andi definitely hated, so that sealed the deal. She ended it with Chris and sent him home before the rose ceremony. I felt bad for him, but could have done without Andi hysterically crying. Stop acting like you care about Chris when the next day you are happiy clinking glasses with Nick and Josh, excited for them to meet your family.

It’s okay, though, because the next day she pondered her decision in a fluorescent muumuu.

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In her heart to heart with CH (is he in okay health? Just aging? He looked ruff) Andi was like “if I could do it all over again I would want these two to be the final two.” Well, I hope so.

I’m so ready for this unusually boring and irritating season to be over. For Nick’s sake, I hope she’s not basing her decision on their Instagram photos. I think Josh would be the clear winner if that’s the case.

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Five Thing Friday, 7.11.14

1. It’s no secret that I’m not a big fan of running, but usually by this time of year I’m in pretty good shape. That is not the case right now. It really wouldn’t be a problem, but my clothes are just a tic too snug, and I don’t want to buy new ones. So, I’ve taken up a new activity.

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Um. Swimming is hard you guys. Like really hard. You know how in other sports you can push yourself? When you’re running and you feel like death, you can be like “just get past this barking dog before he attacks you and then you can stop.” In swimming it’s more like, “just do one more lap. Oh wait, don’t because you’ll drown.”

2. Al and I made the decision to cancel our cable. Best decision ever. The only shows I watch are The Bachelor(ette), Glee, The Mindy Project, Modern Family… Okay, that’s actually a lot, BUT we will still have those channels. Or can watch online. I feel like you really only need cable if you want to watch sports which I quite obviously don’t.

3. I’ve only had ice cream like 3 times this summer. Wait. That’s a lie. Specifically, just soft serve I’ve only had like 3 times. Side note: When I was at Tim’s last week, I opened his freezer to find 4 pints of Ben and Jerry’s and 3 half gallons of ice cream so I decided to keep him around. Except they were all unopened (wtf?!) I fixed that.

4. This was very much needed today.

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5. I’m out. HAPPY FRIDAY!

The Bachelorette, Week 8: When Will Someone Address the Fact that Andi is SELFISH?

I love hometowns because they’re so stupid, and Al pointed out something last night that made me realize why. Every single family acts like it is a life shattering event. They sob. A LOT. They grill both parties with questions that are completely unable to be answered at this point. People meet their significant others’ families literally every day. They will either end up together or they won’t. No one cries about it unless they’re in front of a camera.

Andi and Nick went to Milwaukee to meet Nick’s giant family. His youngest sister was maybe 10 years old and asked Andi questions that were obviously pre-written out for her. When she asked Andi what her favorite thing about Nick was, she dove into a conversation about mental and emotional connections. Maybe you should have stuck to something simple when talking to the 10-year-old. Just say “I like our conversations,” or “I like that he looks like a murderer.” You know, something she can easily understand.

Andi went to Iowa to meet Chris upside down smile farmer’s family and I realized if these two end up together (not gonna happen) their children would be cursed with upside down smiles.
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Chris took Andi on a tractor and she was so excited because she said her most common/worst line of the season: “this is a mannnn.” They talked about their future and Chris basically told her he would never move so Andi asked what she could do for work and he responded “well, there’s always the opportunity to be a homemaker.” Welcome to the 1950s, everyone! Me man. Me ride tractor. You like man. You make babies. Chris hired a blimp to fly over the cornfield and had a sign read “Chris loves Andi” and she ate it up, so I guess she’s okay with the whole homemaker thing. Full disclosure: Ain’t nothing wrong with doing that if that’s your thing, but that SOOO does not seem like Andi, which is what bothers me. Girlfran loves her work so I think it’s dumb she’s acting like she’d be willing to give it up to live on a farm. I guess it doesn’t matter since these two definitely won’t end up together.

I think Andi liked Chris’ family more than she likes him. They played some ridiculous game and I forget what they called it, but it was essentially hide-and-go-seek. When Andi found Chris behind some farm equipment in an open field he told her “you’re so smart.” I guess it’s good to know that he’s great with children.

Josh took Andi to play some baseball because he’s trying to relive his glory days. He essentially said that he stopped playing by his own choice because he wanted a family, but that was over five years ago I think. It sounds like he was just awful and couldn’t play anymore (You can look it up if you so choose. This ain’t no sports blog). I think Josh is awful, but when are we going to address the fact that Andi is so incredibly selfish? Josh’s brother was hoping to be drafted by the NFL and she was worried that all of the focus would be on him, rather than herself. She kept repeating that this was an exciting time in Josh’s life too and she wanted them to be excited for him, but Josh didn’t seem bothered when they were talking about football. Later that night, she voiced her concerns over the fact that she might be “forced” to go to football games on Sundays if Josh’s brother were drafted. WUT. I hate football. Despise it. But if I had the chance to watch my boyfriend’s brother play in the NFL, I would go any chance I got. That sounds like a blast. She is the worst.

Andi went to Dallas to meet Marcus’ family, but not before he reenacted their first date when he was forced to uncomfortably strip for her. It’s all about the romance, you guys. Nothing all that significant happened with Marcus’ family. Marcus did take the opportunity to thank his brother for being a father figure when his father left. That’s a great moment. Maybe do that in private, rather than when there are 50 cameras in your face. Andi was like “life with Marcus would be a fairytale. He adores me and is obsessed with me and would treat me like the princess that I am.” That’s great Andi. Are any of those feelings reciprocated? Selfish.

We watched Chris Harrison tell the group that Eric passed away. It was super sad so I can’t snark on this too much. I just feel like Andi tried to turn this into something that it wasn’t: ABOUT HER. She felt sooo guilty that she was so mean to him and that was their last conversation. One of all, you knew him for 2 weeks. If this was a close friend or something, then I could see you feeling guilty, but no. Two of all, he didn’t even seem upset when you were a total bitch. He didn’t like you and thought you were fake. I think he was happy he left.

For the first time this season, the rose ceremony shocked me. She sent home Marcus. Over Chris. There is no doubt in my mind that Nick and Josh will be the final two, which is unfortunate because they are the absolute worst guys out of the entire group of 25 men. What an awful selection. Would you rather step on rusty nails or hot coals? Neither, please.

The Bachelorette, Week 7: This is a MANNNNN

In Belgium, the 6 final jackasses announced that they were 100% certain that they were the one for Andi. Look, I’m no mathematician, but I think – I think – at least 5 of them have to be wrong. Probably 6, though.

Three weeks ago Marcus told Andi that he had considered leaving 3 weeks before that (AKA he thought about leaving after the first week). Andi will not accept anyone not loving her, so she gave Marcus the first one on one date to reel him in and then probably kick him to the curb. Fortunately for everyone, Marcus has been journaling throughout the whole process so he was able to remember how he felt 3 days earlier and told Andi that he was falling in love with her. Whatever – at least he looked at her when he said it, unlike most people on this show who look at the ground. Andi kept asking what his mom would ask her if she met her. What? Are you an alien? Haven’t you met a person for the first time before? It’ll probably be like that. We found out that Marcus was beaten as a child but now has a good relationship with his mother. Good for him. The only thing that baffled my mind was that he said he hated their relationship while he was in his twenties, but he’s 25 sooooo yeah. Marcus told Andi that he never felt this way about a girl before and she was like YEAH. THAT IS A MANNNNN. They’re all men – weird ones – but they’re all men, k Andi?

The serial killer Nick decided that he simply could not go another minute without creeping everyone out so he decided to go see Andi in her room after her date. He went to the concierge, gave Andi’s name, and got her room number in 30 seconds. I hope this girl got fired after this episode aired. Let’s amp up the security shall we? They went for a walk and Nick was cute because he was so nervous and Andi had never seen him like that before. Cute. Frightening. Same thing.

On Andi’s date with Josh she kept saying that she wanted him to be more open. I despise Josh. If Nick weren’t here, he’d be the one that everyone hates, but luckily Creeps McGee takes the heat off of him. Regardless, I don’t think he’s holding back any more than the other guys. Andi is just pissed that he’s the only one who hadn’t said he was falling in love with her, so she decided to beat it out of him.

Paraphrased:
Andi: So what do you think your mom will say? (seriously, what is with her obsession?)
Josh: Um, she’ll probably ask how I feel about you.
Andi: Yea what’s that?
Josh: That I have very strong feelings for you and I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.
Andi: Yea, but what will you say?
Josh: Ummm that I’m falling in love with you?
Andi: OHEMGEEEEEEE I AM SO SHOCKED. I HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS COMING AND DIDN’T FORCE YOU TO SAY IT!!! :) :) :)

I seriously loved Andi when she told off JP and now I can’t stand her. They made out (LOUDLY) and then swayed on a podium around a bunch of people who were pissed because they came to enjoy a concert, not a circus.

For the group date, Andi made the 4 guys (3 of which have zero chance of being with her) rail bike on some trail while she sat being a lazy POS and made fun of them for being out of breath. Do it yourself. This date was dumb. My only though during the whole thing was how weird it was that Nick and Josh are both obsessed with scarves and those are her top two right now.
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Looks like someone hasn’t learned from her mistakes.

I honestly stopped paying attention during this date because it was sooo boring and Dylan’s hair wasn’t greasy (LOL just kidding – of course it was). I looked up and saw Andi and Chris reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost. You people horrify me. Brian told Andi he was falling in love with her and I cringed because there is just no way she feels the same way. Andi gave Nick the rose which he chose to interpret as her telling him that she loves him. Mmmmmk. (Side note: Why are these dudes  ALL throwing out I love yous!? This doesn’t normally happen until it’s down to like 3. Bros be cray). The other 3 were sent home while Andi and Nick had a private date. They were all so pissed and went back to complain to Josh and Marcus. I’m not sure why Dylan thought he had any right to be upset since I don’t think he had spoken to Andi in 3 weeks.

Nick came back and they all attacked him and kept saying what an awful person he was because he knew so much about previous seasons. I clearly don’t like Nick, but I don’t think that makes him a bad person, I just think that makes him weird. Can someone tell him to stop looking up form under his eyes like that? It does NOT help his creepy factor.The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 3 - nick

Andi told the guys she totes knows her husband was in that room because “the things that you guys say and the way that you guys feel” make her confident. So articulate. Much brains.

To no one’s Brian’s surprise, Brian, Dylan, and Dylan’s hair went home. Josh kissed everyone goodbye. Andi Sobbed. Brian cried. Dylan fake cried – he definitely knew he was going to leave.

My most important final thought? Can we turn off the mics when the constant lip smacking is happening? It’s so disturbing. Oh, and Chris upside down smile farmer goes home next week. This is too easy. Call me Miss Cleo.

I don’t even know what to say about this stupid show any more so I leave you with this sweet deep V.

The Bachelorette, Week 5 & 6: It’s Kind of Weird That It’s So Weird

Gosh I am behind, but I want to stay on track so here are recaps for the past two weeks.

Honestly, the most exciting thing that happened in France was Chris Harrison wearing a turtleneck. He had a super awkward and unnecessary conversation with Andi where she told him that she was in love, and she was in love with more than one person. I despise when they say that because it’s not possible. But whatever. 

Andi was pumped for her date with Josh because she’s been thinking about it for a “long time.” Didn’t they meet 2 weeks ago? Not THAT long, Andi. Josh talked about a girl who spread “rumors” about how he could not be trusted. He told Andi that he doesn’t want to date just to date and the next woman he says “I love you” to will be his wife. Andi ate this up, but I don’t trust this dude. These are token lines that prove he’s just tryin’ to play her like a fiddle. But you do you, Andi. The gang was forced to mime in the streets of France for their group date which accomplished nothing except make foreigners hate Americans. The only one smooth enough to do this was (obvi) Marquel. 

Nick was the absolute worst on this date. I’m starting to get super annoyed with him. He just sat and sulked the entire time. Later that night the guys told Nick that they’re offended because he acts better than them and I 100% agree. In his defense, he didn’t argue it and just apologized and tried to let it go. Whether his apology was genuine or not, he knew that it was ridiculous. Andi tried to ask Nick what was wrong and she was like “I can feel it. I know something is going on.” What? No you can’t “feel it.” You know because Cody told you about it 30 seconds earlier. This bitch is starting to annoy me more and more.

We found out that Eric evidently called Marquel and Ron (old news) “blackies.” I’m not trying to defend him, but isn’t it more likely that he said “black guys” and they misunderstood? Not that this comment would be appropriate either, but still. It would make more sense. Anyway, Marquel wanted to confront Eric about it and decided to pick the most opportune time which, evidently, was in front of everyone. I think he spoke well and got his point across, but let’s do these chats in private in the future, shall we? Marquel can still do no wrong in my opinion.

JJ got the group date rose because he makes Andi feel “special,” unlike the other 15 dudes begging for 30 seconds to breathe her air.

Brian and Andi went to the movies which is just about the worst possible thing to do when you’re trying to get to know someone. They watched a movie about cooking and then went to cook themselves. AWWW. Someone did this date before. Des maybe? Brian is not a cook and was super uncomfortable about this date. They barely spoke while they cooked which was awkward. Andi was upset because the movie made cooking look romantic and her experience was not romantic. Congratulations, it only took you 26 years and law school to learn that movies do not mimic real life.

Andi sat down with CH with over-teased hair and told him she didn’t want to have a cocktail party because she knew who she wanted to send home. When Chris told this to the guys, they were all outraged by the “devastating” news. Can someone get these assholes a dictionary? That is not devastating. 

At the end of the night, Patrick, Eric, and Marquel went home. I’m still not sure who the hell Patrick is, but he said Andi made a mistake because lots of people have told him that he’s a catch and would make a great husband – oh, well in that case, come on back. Marquel cried which was so sad. I love him. Andi should have kept him. Eric said he was glad to leave because he was bullied the whole time so I guess this is middle school.

Going on to Week 6, these lucky jerks got to go to Venice Italy. Nick got the first one on one date and I started to like him again. I understand why they think he’s arrogant, but I don’t think he means to be. We’ll see. I didn’t pay attention to their date but I think it went well. There was a gondola ride accompanied with copious sink or swim analogies. During dinner, he told Andi he was falling in love with her. I think he meant Andi, but I can’t be sure because when he said it he was looking down at the table. Maybe he was actually falling in love with his chicken.They had a private masquerade ball because DUH.

In an effort to prove that this is a realistic show, Andi made the guys take a lie detector test on their group date. Standard 6th date. We did find out that the secret admirer was Chris upside down smile farmer. She didn’t even read the results so the whole thing was for nothing. Josh was still upset that they had to take the test even though she didn’t read the results. He didn’t like that she doesn’t trust them, which just shows he has something to hide. Skeeze ball. If I were him, I would have been more upset about the scarf I was wearing. 

Cody got the next date with Andi. I kept waiting for him to be an annoying stereotypical personal trainer but he always seems so nice and funny. He was so sweet and told her how much he liked her and kept going on and on until she finally started sobbing because she said she only saw a friendship. I felt so bad for Cody, but it didn’t seem like they really had a strong connection. Props to Andi for telling him and being fair to send him home.

During the cocktail party, Nick stole Andi right away and all the guys bitched about it because he already had a rose from his date. Andi loved it though because “that is a mannnnnnnn.” Uh, okay. The things she appreciates are SOOO strange.

JJ got sent home that night. I think the next to leave will be Dylan and Brian so hometowns will be Josh, Nick, Chris upside down smile farmer, and Marcus. BOOM.