Five Thing Friday 7.18.2014

1. I went to see Justin Timberlake in concert on Wednesday night and it was amazing. Dare I say better than Beyonce? I don’t know, but it was pure bliss. I will admit that I don’t know many of his new songs, but luckily he played old faves, including my all time favorite, “Señorita.” We were dancing the entire show and were sweating by the end. As Katie said, “I feel like I was just at a club.” That’s a concert, my friends. If only I had one of JT’s 800 talents.20140718-095404-35644901.jpg

2. I am late to the game and just started watching 30 Rock on Netflix. So wonderful. So obsessed. Love Liz Lemon along with ever other girl who felt a little quirky/nerdy at any point in her entire life.

3. PSA: Do not. I repeat, do NOT shop for bathing suits after eating Chipotle. You’re welcome.
HW people like making fun of burqinis but i think theyre a damn good idea

4. It’s a struggle, though, because it’s important to remember that pizza trumps all. 20140718-093813-34693486.jpg

5. How is it already mid-July? Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the weather before the bitter cold of winter comes along and you forget that you have toes. Womp Womp.

The Bachelorette, Week 9: My Giant Ego and My Heart Don’t Match Up

Ughhhh. Helicopter ride, make out on beach, canoodle on towel. Repeat. Andi asked Nick about his “bad breakup” and he said he was just upset because his ego was bruised. She froze, probably realizing that the same thing would happen again if she doesn’t pick him. I thought Nick already told Andi/his dinner that he loved her, but I guess not. Good thing he did though, otherwise she would have kicked him to the curb. This is a one way street. Doesn’t matter how Andi feels. Just make sure you worship the ground she walks on, fellas. Nick told her he has a childlike sense of wonder so he “wrote” her a “book.” Why does Andi eat this shit up? My 6-week-old niece (had to throw that in) would have written and illustrated a more eloquent story. We didn’t hear the end, but I think it was “Nick trapped Andi against her will in his basement for the rest of her life.” The only other thing worth noting about this date is that Nick wore pink pants that were so snug that it was impossible to tell if you were looking at Nick’s legs or Andi’s legs.

Ever-needing attention, Andi said it would be nice to hear that Josh loves her. I bet it would have been nice to hear what your feelings were, too, selfish B. They ate something that’s supposed to be an aphrodisiac because Josh knew there was a private room at the end of this date. Luckily, Josh did tell Andi he loves her so she kept him around. They played baseball because Andi knows he would have been pissed if they didn’t. Andi was upset because Josh is “always happy” and she needs to know if he’s serious. Yea, what an asshole. How dare he be happy?! When Andi asked him about the fantasy suite he responded “it’s too easy” and she laughed. Oh, sweetie.

Andi said this was a make or break date for Chris. Poor thing already told her he loves her so she has no use for him anymore. They went horseback riding which Andi definitely hated, so that sealed the deal. She ended it with Chris and sent him home before the rose ceremony. I felt bad for him, but could have done without Andi hysterically crying. Stop acting like you care about Chris when the next day you are happiy clinking glasses with Nick and Josh, excited for them to meet your family.

It’s okay, though, because the next day she pondered her decision in a fluorescent muumuu.

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In her heart to heart with CH (is he in okay health? Just aging? He looked ruff) Andi was like “if I could do it all over again I would want these two to be the final two.” Well, I hope so.

I’m so ready for this unusually boring and irritating season to be over. For Nick’s sake, I hope she’s not basing her decision on their Instagram photos. I think Josh would be the clear winner if that’s the case.

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Five Thing Friday, 7.11.14

1. It’s no secret that I’m not a big fan of running, but usually by this time of year I’m in pretty good shape. That is not the case right now. It really wouldn’t be a problem, but my clothes are just a tic too snug, and I don’t want to buy new ones. So, I’ve taken up a new activity.

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Um. Swimming is hard you guys. Like really hard. You know how in other sports you can push yourself? When you’re running and you feel like death, you can be like “just get past this barking dog before he attacks you and then you can stop.” In swimming it’s more like, “just do one more lap. Oh wait, don’t because you’ll drown.”

2. Al and I made the decision to cancel our cable. Best decision ever. The only shows I watch are The Bachelor(ette), Glee, The Mindy Project, Modern Family… Okay, that’s actually a lot, BUT we will still have those channels. Or can watch online. I feel like you really only need cable if you want to watch sports which I quite obviously don’t.

3. I’ve only had ice cream like 3 times this summer. Wait. That’s a lie. Specifically, just soft serve I’ve only had like 3 times. Side note: When I was at Tim’s last week, I opened his freezer to find 4 pints of Ben and Jerry’s and 3 half gallons of ice cream so I decided to keep him around. Except they were all unopened (wtf?!) I fixed that.

4. This was very much needed today.

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5. I’m out. HAPPY FRIDAY!

The Bachelorette, Week 8: When Will Someone Address the Fact that Andi is SELFISH?

I love hometowns because they’re so stupid, and Al pointed out something last night that made me realize why. Every single family acts like it is a life shattering event. They sob. A LOT. They grill both parties with questions that are completely unable to be answered at this point. People meet their significant others’ families literally every day. They will either end up together or they won’t. No one cries about it unless they’re in front of a camera.

Andi and Nick went to Milwaukee to meet Nick’s giant family. His youngest sister was maybe 10 years old and asked Andi questions that were obviously pre-written out for her. When she asked Andi what her favorite thing about Nick was, she dove into a conversation about mental and emotional connections. Maybe you should have stuck to something simple when talking to the 10-year-old. Just say “I like our conversations,” or “I like that he looks like a murderer.” You know, something she can easily understand.

Andi went to Iowa to meet Chris upside down smile farmer’s family and I realized if these two end up together (not gonna happen) their children would be cursed with upside down smiles.
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Chris took Andi on a tractor and she was so excited because she said her most common/worst line of the season: “this is a mannnn.” They talked about their future and Chris basically told her he would never move so Andi asked what she could do for work and he responded “well, there’s always the opportunity to be a homemaker.” Welcome to the 1950s, everyone! Me man. Me ride tractor. You like man. You make babies. Chris hired a blimp to fly over the cornfield and had a sign read “Chris loves Andi” and she ate it up, so I guess she’s okay with the whole homemaker thing. Full disclosure: Ain’t nothing wrong with doing that if that’s your thing, but that SOOO does not seem like Andi, which is what bothers me. Girlfran loves her work so I think it’s dumb she’s acting like she’d be willing to give it up to live on a farm. I guess it doesn’t matter since these two definitely won’t end up together.

I think Andi liked Chris’ family more than she likes him. They played some ridiculous game and I forget what they called it, but it was essentially hide-and-go-seek. When Andi found Chris behind some farm equipment in an open field he told her “you’re so smart.” I guess it’s good to know that he’s great with children.

Josh took Andi to play some baseball because he’s trying to relive his glory days. He essentially said that he stopped playing by his own choice because he wanted a family, but that was over five years ago I think. It sounds like he was just awful and couldn’t play anymore (You can look it up if you so choose. This ain’t no sports blog). I think Josh is awful, but when are we going to address the fact that Andi is so incredibly selfish? Josh’s brother was hoping to be drafted by the NFL and she was worried that all of the focus would be on him, rather than herself. She kept repeating that this was an exciting time in Josh’s life too and she wanted them to be excited for him, but Josh didn’t seem bothered when they were talking about football. Later that night, she voiced her concerns over the fact that she might be “forced” to go to football games on Sundays if Josh’s brother were drafted. WUT. I hate football. Despise it. But if I had the chance to watch my boyfriend’s brother play in the NFL, I would go any chance I got. That sounds like a blast. She is the worst.

Andi went to Dallas to meet Marcus’ family, but not before he reenacted their first date when he was forced to uncomfortably strip for her. It’s all about the romance, you guys. Nothing all that significant happened with Marcus’ family. Marcus did take the opportunity to thank his brother for being a father figure when his father left. That’s a great moment. Maybe do that in private, rather than when there are 50 cameras in your face. Andi was like “life with Marcus would be a fairytale. He adores me and is obsessed with me and would treat me like the princess that I am.” That’s great Andi. Are any of those feelings reciprocated? Selfish.

We watched Chris Harrison tell the group that Eric passed away. It was super sad so I can’t snark on this too much. I just feel like Andi tried to turn this into something that it wasn’t: ABOUT HER. She felt sooo guilty that she was so mean to him and that was their last conversation. One of all, you knew him for 2 weeks. If this was a close friend or something, then I could see you feeling guilty, but no. Two of all, he didn’t even seem upset when you were a total bitch. He didn’t like you and thought you were fake. I think he was happy he left.

For the first time this season, the rose ceremony shocked me. She sent home Marcus. Over Chris. There is no doubt in my mind that Nick and Josh will be the final two, which is unfortunate because they are the absolute worst guys out of the entire group of 25 men. What an awful selection. Would you rather step on rusty nails or hot coals? Neither, please.

The Bachelorette, Week 7: This is a MANNNNN

In Belgium, the 6 final jackasses announced that they were 100% certain that they were the one for Andi. Look, I’m no mathematician, but I think – I think – at least 5 of them have to be wrong. Probably 6, though.

Three weeks ago Marcus told Andi that he had considered leaving 3 weeks before that (AKA he thought about leaving after the first week). Andi will not accept anyone not loving her, so she gave Marcus the first one on one date to reel him in and then probably kick him to the curb. Fortunately for everyone, Marcus has been journaling throughout the whole process so he was able to remember how he felt 3 days earlier and told Andi that he was falling in love with her. Whatever - at least he looked at her when he said it, unlike most people on this show who look at the ground. Andi kept asking what his mom would ask her if she met her. What? Are you an alien? Haven’t you met a person for the first time before? It’ll probably be like that. We found out that Marcus was beaten as a child but now has a good relationship with his mother. Good for him. The only thing that baffled my mind was that he said he hated their relationship while he was in his twenties, but he’s 25 sooooo yeah. Marcus told Andi that he never felt this way about a girl before and she was like YEAH. THAT IS A MANNNNN. They’re all men – weird ones – but they’re all men, k Andi?

The serial killer Nick decided that he simply could not go another minute without creeping everyone out so he decided to go see Andi in her room after her date. He went to the concierge, gave Andi’s name, and got her room number in 30 seconds. I hope this girl got fired after this episode aired. Let’s amp up the security shall we? They went for a walk and Nick was cute because he was so nervous and Andi had never seen him like that before. Cute. Frightening. Same thing.

On Andi’s date with Josh she kept saying that she wanted him to be more open. I despise Josh. If Nick weren’t here, he’d be the one that everyone hates, but luckily Creeps McGee takes the heat off of him. Regardless, I don’t think he’s holding back any more than the other guys. Andi is just pissed that he’s the only one who hadn’t said he was falling in love with her, so she decided to beat it out of him.

Paraphrased:
Andi: So what do you think your mom will say? (seriously, what is with her obsession?)
Josh: Um, she’ll probably ask how I feel about you.
Andi: Yea what’s that?
Josh: That I have very strong feelings for you and I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.
Andi: Yea, but what will you say?
Josh: Ummm that I’m falling in love with you?
Andi: OHEMGEEEEEEE I AM SO SHOCKED. I HAD NO IDEA THAT WAS COMING AND DIDN’T FORCE YOU TO SAY IT!!! :) :) :)

I seriously loved Andi when she told off JP and now I can’t stand her. They made out (LOUDLY) and then swayed on a podium around a bunch of people who were pissed because they came to enjoy a concert, not a circus.

For the group date, Andi made the 4 guys (3 of which have zero chance of being with her) rail bike on some trail while she sat being a lazy POS and made fun of them for being out of breath. Do it yourself. This date was dumb. My only though during the whole thing was how weird it was that Nick and Josh are both obsessed with scarves and those are her top two right now.
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Looks like someone hasn’t learned from her mistakes.

I honestly stopped paying attention during this date because it was sooo boring and Dylan’s hair wasn’t greasy (LOL just kidding – of course it was). I looked up and saw Andi and Chris reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost. You people horrify me. Brian told Andi he was falling in love with her and I cringed because there is just no way she feels the same way. Andi gave Nick the rose which he chose to interpret as her telling him that she loves him. Mmmmmk. (Side note: Why are these dudes  ALL throwing out I love yous!? This doesn’t normally happen until it’s down to like 3. Bros be cray). The other 3 were sent home while Andi and Nick had a private date. They were all so pissed and went back to complain to Josh and Marcus. I’m not sure why Dylan thought he had any right to be upset since I don’t think he had spoken to Andi in 3 weeks.

Nick came back and they all attacked him and kept saying what an awful person he was because he knew so much about previous seasons. I clearly don’t like Nick, but I don’t think that makes him a bad person, I just think that makes him weird. Can someone tell him to stop looking up form under his eyes like that? It does NOT help his creepy factor.The Bachelorette Season 10, Episode 3 - nick

Andi told the guys she totes knows her husband was in that room because “the things that you guys say and the way that you guys feel” make her confident. So articulate. Much brains.

To no one’s Brian’s surprise, Brian, Dylan, and Dylan’s hair went home. Josh kissed everyone goodbye. Andi Sobbed. Brian cried. Dylan fake cried – he definitely knew he was going to leave.

My most important final thought? Can we turn off the mics when the constant lip smacking is happening? It’s so disturbing. Oh, and Chris upside down smile farmer goes home next week. This is too easy. Call me Miss Cleo.

I don’t even know what to say about this stupid show any more so I leave you with this sweet deep V.

The Bachelorette, Week 5 & 6: It’s Kind of Weird That It’s So Weird

Gosh I am behind, but I want to stay on track so here are recaps for the past two weeks.

Honestly, the most exciting thing that happened in France was Chris Harrison wearing a turtleneck. He had a super awkward and unnecessary conversation with Andi where she told him that she was in love, and she was in love with more than one person. I despise when they say that because it’s not possible. But whatever. 

Andi was pumped for her date with Josh because she’s been thinking about it for a “long time.” Didn’t they meet 2 weeks ago? Not THAT long, Andi. Josh talked about a girl who spread “rumors” about how he could not be trusted. He told Andi that he doesn’t want to date just to date and the next woman he says “I love you” to will be his wife. Andi ate this up, but I don’t trust this dude. These are token lines that prove he’s just tryin’ to play her like a fiddle. But you do you, Andi. The gang was forced to mime in the streets of France for their group date which accomplished nothing except make foreigners hate Americans. The only one smooth enough to do this was (obvi) Marquel. 

Nick was the absolute worst on this date. I’m starting to get super annoyed with him. He just sat and sulked the entire time. Later that night the guys told Nick that they’re offended because he acts better than them and I 100% agree. In his defense, he didn’t argue it and just apologized and tried to let it go. Whether his apology was genuine or not, he knew that it was ridiculous. Andi tried to ask Nick what was wrong and she was like “I can feel it. I know something is going on.” What? No you can’t “feel it.” You know because Cody told you about it 30 seconds earlier. This bitch is starting to annoy me more and more.

We found out that Eric evidently called Marquel and Ron (old news) “blackies.” I’m not trying to defend him, but isn’t it more likely that he said “black guys” and they misunderstood? Not that this comment would be appropriate either, but still. It would make more sense. Anyway, Marquel wanted to confront Eric about it and decided to pick the most opportune time which, evidently, was in front of everyone. I think he spoke well and got his point across, but let’s do these chats in private in the future, shall we? Marquel can still do no wrong in my opinion.

JJ got the group date rose because he makes Andi feel “special,” unlike the other 15 dudes begging for 30 seconds to breathe her air.

Brian and Andi went to the movies which is just about the worst possible thing to do when you’re trying to get to know someone. They watched a movie about cooking and then went to cook themselves. AWWW. Someone did this date before. Des maybe? Brian is not a cook and was super uncomfortable about this date. They barely spoke while they cooked which was awkward. Andi was upset because the movie made cooking look romantic and her experience was not romantic. Congratulations, it only took you 26 years and law school to learn that movies do not mimic real life.

Andi sat down with CH with over-teased hair and told him she didn’t want to have a cocktail party because she knew who she wanted to send home. When Chris told this to the guys, they were all outraged by the “devastating” news. Can someone get these assholes a dictionary? That is not devastating. 

At the end of the night, Patrick, Eric, and Marquel went home. I’m still not sure who the hell Patrick is, but he said Andi made a mistake because lots of people have told him that he’s a catch and would make a great husband – oh, well in that case, come on back. Marquel cried which was so sad. I love him. Andi should have kept him. Eric said he was glad to leave because he was bullied the whole time so I guess this is middle school.

Going on to Week 6, these lucky jerks got to go to Venice Italy. Nick got the first one on one date and I started to like him again. I understand why they think he’s arrogant, but I don’t think he means to be. We’ll see. I didn’t pay attention to their date but I think it went well. There was a gondola ride accompanied with copious sink or swim analogies. During dinner, he told Andi he was falling in love with her. I think he meant Andi, but I can’t be sure because when he said it he was looking down at the table. Maybe he was actually falling in love with his chicken.They had a private masquerade ball because DUH.

In an effort to prove that this is a realistic show, Andi made the guys take a lie detector test on their group date. Standard 6th date. We did find out that the secret admirer was Chris upside down smile farmer. She didn’t even read the results so the whole thing was for nothing. Josh was still upset that they had to take the test even though she didn’t read the results. He didn’t like that she doesn’t trust them, which just shows he has something to hide. Skeeze ball. If I were him, I would have been more upset about the scarf I was wearing. 

Cody got the next date with Andi. I kept waiting for him to be an annoying stereotypical personal trainer but he always seems so nice and funny. He was so sweet and told her how much he liked her and kept going on and on until she finally started sobbing because she said she only saw a friendship. I felt so bad for Cody, but it didn’t seem like they really had a strong connection. Props to Andi for telling him and being fair to send him home.

During the cocktail party, Nick stole Andi right away and all the guys bitched about it because he already had a rose from his date. Andi loved it though because “that is a mannnnnnnn.” Uh, okay. The things she appreciates are SOOO strange.

JJ got sent home that night. I think the next to leave will be Dylan and Brian so hometowns will be Josh, Nick, Chris upside down smile farmer, and Marcus. BOOM.

The Bachelorette, Week 3: I’ll Make Love to You (Or Make Out with Everyone)

I am so sorry for the delay on the recaps, my friends. I was super busy last week of becoming an AUNTIE. My sister had her baby girl and I spent all of my free time smooching all over her, hence the delay, but I did not forget about this stupid show. Turns out I won’t be that behind since Monday night they did a recap of what’s happened so far this season in case anyone wanted to hate themselves more for watching this show.

Anyway, let’s rewind to last week’s two-parter. Nick and Andi went on a bike ride through town and then chatted on top of a mountain where he told her that he has a crush on her because she has a great resume. CHARMER. Nick seems wayyyy to good for this show. As does Andi, so maybe they’ll work out. They also had their first lip sucking session, which brings Andi’s total to 3 guys that she’s kissed.

For the group date, the gents sang with Boyz II Men to ease everyone’s worries who thought that the boy band was out of our lives forever and confirm that they are not music legends (contrary to what everyone kept saying). They were all SO awful. Literally none of them could carry a tune except Bradley who turned it into an opera song which was even worse. Marquel was obviously super smooth with his dance moves, though. Andi was awful, too. (Side note: One of these days I’m going to figure out what these group dates are so I can attend something like this as it’s happening). What has been your favorite date so far? #TheBachelorette
Later in the evening, Andi played a joke on Cody and said that the guys told her he had a girlfriend, which was just messed up. His reaction was a little crazy, though – like it actually might be true and he thought he had just been caught. I actually kind of like Cody – when I first saw him I was Judgey McJudgerson (because that’s how I roll) and thought he’d be a stereotypical annoying personal trainer but he seems really funny.

The fourth kiss went to Marcus that evening. About 3 minutes later, Josh and Andi had a heated make out sesh. Five kisses – well five people – LOTS of spit swapping.

JJ is a pantstrepreneur which apparently means he wears strange pants. JJ and Andi got their make up done to age themselves 50 years which is exactly what you want to do on a first date. They walked around the park talking in weird ass voices trying to “fool” people. Yea, how did these people not realize that this was fake? Don’t they realize that idiots will do anything for attention – even dress up as old people? JJ got the sloppy 6th kiss.

Apparently Andrew got a waitress’ number so JJ and Josh wanted to address him about it because ME MAN. ME PROTECT ANDI. When they called him out, he just went into his room which was sketchy. He thinks they see him as a threat, so I don’t know why he didn’t just talk about it. The guys were all mad because he was bragging about it, I guess? It seemed pretty irrelevant and confusing – they just needed some drama.

Bradley the opera singer and Brett the hairstylist were sent home but not before Brad told us “I love to be loved and I love to love” through tears.

PART 2

On part 2, we saw the guys go to Connecticut. At first I was like why on earth!? Where are the private islands and helicopter rides? Am I watching the right show? I figured out the reason which we’ll get to a bit later, but it’s pretty EFFED UP, producers.

The guys arrived at the hotel and made sure to cram into the tub and fake cheers. Why are we fake cheersing, guys? Isn’t there free alcohol at your disposal at all times? 5 guys in a hot tub… #TheBachelorette
Dylan got the first one on one date which was apparently on a steam train. We also found out that this is where he grew up (important info for later!). He mentioned that his ex got engaged the day after his brother’s funeral and Andi just nodded like yea that’s tough and then complained in the confessional that he wouldn’t open up. Ummm, I’m pretty sure that was an invitation to say “oh wow! I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. What happened? Would you like to share that with me?” Nah, awkward silence is better instead. Anywhore, Dylan eventually told Andi about how he lost both his brother and his sister to drugs. Andi was very supportive, it was a great chat, etc. Dylan mentioned that it was so difficult being in Connecticut because they were literally in his “backyard” of where he grew up so it brought up memories with his siblings. YOU GUYS – I really think they were huge assholes and did this on purpose to make him super emotional because lest we forget that this is a television show and RATINGSSSS. If that’s the case, that is SO cruel.

Next up was the group basketball date with WNBA players, so my worst nightmare (so athletic). Predictably, they split up into teams and the winning team got to have a group date with Andi. Watching the losing team mope while the winners celebrated was so melodramatic, even for this dumbass show. Suck it up, boys. On their one on one time, Brian made a half court shot which was super awesome at first but quickly got super awkward when he didn’t kiss Andi when she was definitely asking for it.

Andi and Marcus did the “scale down the wall” date so I could literally just repeat anything I said from previous seasons. Andi was OhMiGod so freaked out and Marcus was so supportive and she totes couldn’t have done it without him. It was just extra great because they conquered this fear together. If they can do that they can definitely have a happy marriage. She gave Marcus the rose because this date proved to her that he can be protective, so I guess Andi didn’t get the memo that this is 2014. You a lawyer. You don’t need no protection, gurl. They ended the night at a concert, but it wasn’t private, so they had to watch among others like a bunch of animals. Marcus told Andi that he was falling in love with her which seemed zero amount crazy after 1 date and 8 days of knowing each other. They made out on a platform which I’m sure the crowd appreciated. This was kiss with guy # 7 I think.

Later, Andi got a love letter from a secret admirer but had no idea who it was from, and we still didn’t find out. I’m assuming Nick since he sent her the flowers in the previous episode. Brian took Andi back to the court to kiss her because he regretted not doing it earlier, and I’m sure he was pumped to be the 8th guy she kissed in 10 days. (Side note: I love the way they share everything on this show, specifically herpes).

Eric pulled Andi aside to tell her that he is being open, and he thinks it’s her that’s not being open. He added “I came on this to meet a person, not a TV actress.” And she was all you’re insulting me and saying I’m fake and these tears are real and you don’t know meeee. Long, boring story short, she sent him home. Because she wants the guys to be honest with her, but only if it’s when they tell her that she is a goddess. She went back to the guys and was hysterically crying because now she only had 12 tools to choose from and was all if you think this is a joke then leave. I don’t think that’s what Eric was saying, but okay. She took it way too harshly. I think he just wanted her to open up a little bit more to him. Oh well. He was super calm leaving. Eric is the one who passed away after filming so Chris and Andi had a little sit down chat about it. She lit up when she talked about him. It was quite sad. You could tell she wished that she could have talked to him one more time – maybe don’t be so dramatic when someone tries to have an adult conversation with you next time.

They didn’t show the actual rose ceremony because they wanted to honor Eric, but CH made sure to let us know that Tasos left after that episode.

Is it possible that I’m actually getting sick of this show?

 
LOLZ. NOPE.