The Bachelor, Week 5 (Part 1): Claws Are Out

Honestly, you could probably just replace a few names in my old re-caps and find out what happened last night on The Bachelor, but that’s not as fun. There were a lot of make-outs (new and old) happening in this episode. Nothing like a spreading herpes to make everyone feel welcome.

Lindsay (Bridezilla) was given the first one-on-one date. The couple was transported via, *say it with me* helicopter, to Glacier National Park where they shared a picnic and later swapped saliva by a cozy fire that conveniently had a bed placed directly in front of it. They kept saying they knew each other so well, but we must be missing something because they talked about nothing else. Sean told Lindsay he had one more surprise from her and she squealed for the 50th time. They took a stroll to “downtown Whitefish.” I have no idea what downtown would be like in Montana, but these were his words, not mine. So they were just in the streets surrounded by hundreds (thousands?) of people and some country singer called Sarah Darling was there to serenade them. I think we’ve had enough of the private concerts, especially when they’re country. Yikes. Lindsay and Sean were on some sort of pedestal making out and dancing in front of this huge crowd, and then she jumped up and wrapped her legs around him. Can we slow down with the PDA/dry-humping folks? You’re literally on a platform with people staring at you. I would’ve been pissed that they were blocking my view if I had any clue who Sarah Darling was.

The group date was another competition, this time in the form of a relay race. What a good idea. Sean obviously needs a lady who can canoe, saw through a log, milk a goat, and then chug its milk in record time! The teams were Selma, Des, Sarah, and Robyn vs. Daniella, Ashlee, Lesley, and Catherine. You know the drill – winners continue the date and the losers go back to the lodge and drown their sorrows in vodka. Selma and Robyn (I think) did the canoe portion. Selma was donning a bedazzled headband/ear warmer contraption, and we think she can do this?

She won’t kiss Sean to respect her conservative family but she has no qualms about demonstrating how to “milk a goat”

Their team ended up winning thanks to Des chugging freshly squeezed goat milk as it dripped down her chin. The winners were partying, until Sean realized that he definitely liked the other four girls better and asked them to join as well. He basically said that he didn’t want to lose any time with them this late in his journey to everlasting love, in fear of sending home the wrong girl. Classy. The four who won the competition were livid that the losers intruded in on their date. To be fair, if I just chugged warm goat’s milk, I’d be pissed that I did it for nothing.

Tierra continues to be a loony and causes drama with the girls. First, when she finds out she’ll be on a two-on-one date with Jackie and Sean she’s happy and celebrating about it, but later in the episode she gets mad about it and doesn’t know why Sean would put her in that position. Talk about conflicting personality traits. She ends up sneaking out to find Sean while he’s on the group date to talk to him and ease her concerns. You can’t just barge in on someone else’s date, you nut.

We saw a little more of Catherine and Daniella. They’re definitely hiding whatever chats Sean and Catherine are having because they always seem so giddy together. Daniella saw Catherine sitting on Sean’s lap and started crying. I actually felt bad. She just seemed genuinely upset that she didn’t make a strong connection with him like the other girls have. No worries though – they swapped spit and she was happy again. Oh, and he gave her the group date rose. Ladies, you just need to cry to get a rose – derp!

Tierra continued to be obnoxious as hell on her two-on-one date with Jackie and Sean. Poor Jackie didn’t stand a chance because Sean thinks T money is the ish. Still, Jackie tries to tell him Tierra is nuts and explains about how she was flirting with someone at the airport. Look, obviously T is annoying, but flirting with a random isn’t that crazy. Sean is flirting with 10 of you on a daily basis, yes? What’s the difference? Afterwards, Sean confronts Tierra and she ends up telling him how her ex was in rehab and passed away, so now she’s scared of getting close to someone and losing them again. I understand that but it didn’t really address the original question. It seemed like she just threw it in there to make him feel sorry for her, which it did. She of course got the rose and Jackie went home. Then they watched a private fireworks show under the stars – so pretty much your standard third date.

When the girls were chatting at cocktail hour (what a life these broads have) Tierra was again staring off into the distance and not responding when she is asked a question or someone tries to make conversation with her. Robyn stepped up with my favorite quote of the night when she said she would “turn this into the bad girls club.” Unfortunately, she did not deliver, and no punches were thrown. Lesley joined her, and Catherine stayed a few feet back so she could hear everything but didn’t have to get involved. That’s where I would been. Anyway, they were just kindly trying to figure out why she’s such a strange human. Lesley calmly pointed out that when one is asked a question one usually “responds like a normal human being.” Love that girl. Tierra started ripping into Robyn just as Sean walked by. She was screaming and he pulled her aside and crazy face starts laughing like “oh goodness I can’t believe you saw me all riled up” har har cackle cackle. What the what?

After all of this, Sean started asking the girls what Tierra’s deal was. Honestly Sean? My respect level for you plummeted at your naivety. Regardless, I think Lesley gave a great explanation about T bags without being cruel. I’m mot sure what exactly Sean wanted them to say – that she murders kittens? She’s just crazy, bro! Afterwards he was talking to his BFF, Chris Harrison, and complaining that they were talking to him about Tierra. You asked them, you jackass.

He predictably sent Robyn home. They’re airing “part 2” tonight and based on the previews, we’ll see Tierra faking hypothermia. Three wackos are going home tonight. Predictions? Daniella, Selma, and Sarah.

p.s. This is from last season, but I just found it. Please watch.

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2 thoughts on “The Bachelor, Week 5 (Part 1): Claws Are Out

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