The Bachelor, Week 8: Unstable

Nothing like starting off an episode of The Bachelor with Sean perched atop a boat in the middle of a sea in Thailand. Just another Monday. This week were the overnight dates and I was excited to see who chose to “forgo their individual rooms” and use the fancy key to “stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.” By the way, how weird is it that these are all signed by Chris Harrison? By weird, I mean pervy. They re-capped Sean’s relationships (do we call these “relationships?”) with each girl via montages of them making out and professing their love for Sean. The only thing I gathered from these was that they all annoy me in their own unique way.

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Lindsay and Sean had the first date. She kept saying how hard it was for her to “see Thailand” because she had a gorgeous guy sitting next to her. I was confused, though, because he was wearing a woman’s flowing blouse. I would’ve been okay looking away for a minute or two. Also, why did Lindsay agree to eat those bugs? She was practically dry heaving. I would have really appreciated it if she actually puked. Now THAT’S television. All I’m saying is, I don’t care if I can wash my clothes on your stomach, I would never eat a bug to prove I’m adventurous. Their conversation on the beach was just strange, especially when Sean said their relationship would “translate into real life.” Who talks like that? What does that even mean? Who let Sean wear that bathing suit? Why were they feeding random monkeys on the beach? Why did they then borderline (actually?) fornicate in the ocean and let the monkeys watch? There were just too many questions running through my mind during this scene.

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Wait. Hold on guys, can you move to the left? We want the monkey in the shot.

Ashlee was up next and she continued to say ludicrous things about Sean. She kept calling him the “love of her life” and her one “true love,” while in literally the same sentence, admitting that she doesn’t “know where Sean’s head is at.” Um, it doesn’t really seem like your first two statements are possible without being sure if your feelings are reciprocated, so let’s just relax for a second. They swam through some cave and she had a field day playing her “I have trust issues” and “I’m a damsel in distress” cards and acting as though she literally can’t breathe without Sean’s aid. I get it, you were abandoned as a child and that is traumatizing, but that is what therapists are for, not some random guy who spends too much time at the gym. They made it to the other side of the cave and the cliche’s for the “light at the end of the tunnel” were painful to hear. She ended up accepting the fantasy suite but I didn’t get if it meant she was sticking to her choice to remain a good girl while there, or if Sean, her savior, had convinced her otherwise. Are we also in agreement that her ticket home was printed when she started discussing what ring she wanted? I don’t know what was going through her mind. I literally LOL’ed when she told him they were on the same page for their expectations. False.

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Catherine and Sean boggle my mind. They are always so damn happy to see each other. I don’t think we were shown enough of her throughout the season because I don’t get how they are so close. All I get is that she repeatedly refers to herself as a dork, makes weird faces, and her voice can be annoying at times. They certainly have a ball together, but it seems like she’s way too “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that means?” to be getting married right now. Catherine, like the other two women, chose to stay in the fantasy suite, but not before figuring out an off-handed way to say “I’ll stay, but we’re just talking. I’m not a slut,” without actually using the word slut. You go, girl.

At the end of the show, Sean was sweating bullets when telling his BFF, Chris Harrison, he knew who he was sending home. This was clue number one that Ashlee was going home. She’s such an unstable human. Who wouldn’t be scared to tell her that? Then, he watched the private messages from the three women, and SURPRISE, she started crying in her’s. Someone call Dr. Phil. The panic in Sean’s face really crept in at this point and it was obvious that she would be going home. And girlfrand was PISSED after the rose ceremony. She left without speaking and kept making this face a lot.

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Angry is the only way to describe this cray. When she got in the car, she mentioned that this wasn’t a game to her. Now, I think Sean is a tool, but I don’t think this was a game to him, either. He just didn’t like you, and let’s face facts, you were a bit too over the top with your proclamations of love. She literally depended on him to function as a human being. That’s too much. You need to be more stable before you go on this show, gal pal.

Next week is the “Women Tell All” episode so we need to wait TWO weeks until we find out who Sean chooses. I literally have no idea who I would prefer, or who I think he’ll pick. He seems pretty smitten with both Lindsay and Catherine. Either way, I still stand by my earlier sentiments.

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