The Bachelorette, Week 2: Mean Girls

Are they always going to show Des nonchalantly sketching a quick gown on the veranda talking about how this is a “dream come true?” Yes? Okay, I just want to be prepared. I almost threw my remote at the TV when I heard her said “I couldn’t have asked for a better group of guys.” That would have been a good statement, except you could have and you should have.

We were introduced to the testosterone-infused, blue walls mansion. I thought it was nice of the guys to coordinate and all wear solid bright colored V-necks and too much L.A. Looks in their hair. Nothing of significance happened except when Brooks got the one-on-one date and Ben described him as “genuine,” except he said it with a long “I” as in “wine” which irked me. No thanks.

Des brought Brooks to a bridal shop to try on gowns and tuxes for their first date, because apparently she was hoping to scare him away. I wonder if Des cringes as much as I do when she hears herself say things like “I really felt like we were newlyweds.” Really? You felt like you just married this man you’ve known for 10 minutes? Okay.

In an effort to ditch cliche’s, the two then ventured to the Hollywood sign to gaze out yonder into the distance. Originality is the name of the game, it seems. Then they made out, so I guess it’s obvious that Des doesn’t waste any time. Come to think of it, I do recall her and Sean having a steamy hot tub first date as well, so not much has changed.

Then they “got lost” in a shady part of downtown LA. This guy was seriously petrified, especially when they got to the “road closed” signs. He was visibly uneasy but when Des started moving the signs to drive though, he just went along with it. Um, wouldn’t it have been more normal to try to stop that? No? Anyway, they reached a bridge where chandeliers are common-place. Then, we heard mystery music playing and it turned out Andy Grammer was there to play a private bridge concert for them. She did everything in this one date! What are you doing, ABC? You need to spread this crap out, otherwise you’re going to be scraping the bottom of the barrel and invite Soulja Boy to lead a group date where the guys make a rap video.

Oh, wait. That DID happen. I must admit it was funny that they were mocking all of the old bachelors, but what goes on, really? When Des started rapping, I had to check to make sure I wasn’t watching SNL. Or a 10-year-old’s YouTube video.

Later, Zak W. explained that he arrived shirtless last week to joke about Sean never wearing a shirt, but he didn’t explain why he spells his name Zak, so that was useless. It makes it SEMI more acceptable, because, abs. Then he gave her a vintage journal which is a cool idea but I didn’t get why she was supposed to be excited about a father’s inscription to his daughter. A heartfelt inscription. From a father who is not her’s. To a daughter who is not Des. 

Bryden got the second one-on-one date and they took a road trip. She’s really loving driving that Bentley, huh? Bryden knows one adjective and it’s “amazing.” Someone get him a thesaurus. I do actually like Bryden. He seems normal. They end up in the pool for a change. He was super nervous and awkward and wanted to kiss her but just kept repeating how “amazing” she is and how “amazing” their day was and girlfriend chimed in with “just kiss me already.” Like I said, we know she doesn’t waste time.

They’re really trying to force some man-drama on us. Everyone was already hating on Ben, saying that he’s not there for the right reasons. I already don’t like Ben after loving him last week, but I don’t get why they’re saying he’s not there for the right reasons. To be fair, he hasn’t really done anything wrong, except be annoying. After he stole Des away from Michael mid-diabetes chat, everyone flipped a lid because he already had a rose. Um, watch the show, boys. Everyone does this. Then they all teamed up on him like Regina George and her clan. You are grown men. This isn’t Mean Girls. Stop acting like prepubescent girls and admit you’re jealous.

Next Week Predictions: I know they keep setting up the previews to make it seem like it’s Ben’s girlfriend who storms in, but I’m convinced it’s Brian, AKA greasy head. He was talking about how he “recently” broke up with his girlfriend a “couple” of months ago, but then changed it to 6 months ago, so yes, definitely him.

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