The Bachelorette, Week 5: Hi, Hollywood

As per usual, The Bachelorette began with a montage of what was to come in the episode. Des proclaimed via dramatic voice over that she felt like she was now living a fairytale in her real life. Then the entire montage consisted of her sobbing the whole time. What version of Cinderella were you read as a child, girl?

Chris got the one one-on-one date and viewers cozied up for boredom. They ate sausages Lady and the Tramp style, which was gross to say the least. Then they worked off their eats by dancing in the middle of the street.

That is, until Bryden decided he needed to leave NOW and not a second later. He starting roaming the city asking people if they saw television cameras. I find it hard to believe a producer or cameraman behind him couldn’t let him know where they were. Anyway, he showed up and ruined their dance party to tell Des he’s incredibly boring and she wasn’t worth hanging out with for a free trip to Germany. She got a little teary-eyed but didn’t dwell. I was impressed with her composure, just because she’s a crier, but she definitely shouldn’t have been shocked since he pretty much told her last weekย that he didn’t like her. I do agree with Des asking “why come to Germany to begin with?” Seriously. What a waste of a trip.

Chris and Des continued their date with some dinner in a palace. I remember my first dinner in a palace. It’s great how they make it so easy for people to relate to this show. He read her poetry that he scribbled on a napkin a few hours before and she cried and kissed him for the remainder of dinner. Who needs food when you have free herpes, AmIRite? Evidently, every date has a concert by some C-Lister, so the two danced to Matt White at the piano.

Moving on…
The group date consisted of yodeling and sledding down a giant mountain, which looked like so much fun, but if that were me, I definitely would have fallen like Des did. After sufficiently hurting themselves, they went into an igloo to drink. Brooks and his dirty hair struggled to make out with Des in their puffy coats, but they managed. Mikey suggested they make mini snowmen of their future family, but then he mentioned he’d like to live in Chicago if possible and Des was disgusted because this show is all about her. Zak ruined their time by yodeling and Mikey had to pretend he thought it was funny when he wanted to (and could have) beat him up.
Not so shocker of the evening: Zak wanted to be a priest at one point in his life.

Ben and Michael were awarded the coveted two-on-one date. Michael basically thought he was the chosen one to “convict” Ben for who he really is. It was either that or because these two hate each other the most. Des joked* that they’d be jumping into the freezing cold water, but then admitted they’d be in a “hot tug” aka a hot tub boat.
*This was not funny

I am not a Ben fan, but Michael came across as a huge douche on this date. He basically called Ben a bad father because he’s been absent from his son’s life during the show. Then he went on to question Ben about why he doesn’t get along with anyone. It was getting so awkward that Des had to chime in and change the subject to her. Ben went on to explain that church is important to him, when Michael interrupted him and called him out for not going to church on Easter. Ben excused himself, and not suprisingly, Des expressed how annoyed she was by Michael’s behavior. Michael still ended up getting the rose since he was the lesser of two evils. Ben was a complete ass in the limo, proving that she did in fact make the right decision.
Favorite Ben Limo quotes:
Hi, Hollywood!
How long until I can be in public with someone, because I don’t want to wait.
You missed out on the single Dad from Texas
Can we go out? Let’s get drunk.

Drew, on the other hand, wins for biggest goody two shoes. Apparently, the twins, Mikey & James, were talking about how they are basically using this show to become the next Bachelor/Gigolo. Drew did not let this go one second before telling the rest of the good guys. Des decided not to have a cocktail party and they were all pissed because they wouldn’t get to drink their faces off tell Des about James.

Based on the preview tears, they end up telling her in the lovely Barcelona next week…

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