The Bachelor, Week 3: Holy Moly Macaroni

It is a rare that I post on a Sunday because I usually reserve these days for sitting in sweats watching Netflix, but I had to pop in to re-cap last week’s episodes of The Bachelor before the good stuff tonight, AKA Sean & Catherine’s LIVE wedding. Now I’m regretting even watching them because they were so boring, but here goes.

Episode one of last week was a look back at the 5 couples that have lasted. There have been 17 seasons of The Bachelor and 9 seasons of The Bachelorette. Five. Out of 26. Maybe don’t remind us all of this statistic if you want us to take this show seriously.

The five, you ask? Des & Chris, Jason & Molly, Ashley & JP, Trista & Ryan, and Catherine & Sean. They also threw in DeAnna and Stephen, who did not meet on the show. Stephen is the twin brother of another idiot who was a contestant and introduced DeAnna to him. This in no way counts as a success from the show, producers. This is simply someone setting his brother up with a friend, formerly known as LIFE.

Do the producers love Trista & Ryan or what!? I guess that’s because they’ve actually been married for ten years and seem to be doing well. Not to let Catherine & Sean steal the spotlight tonight, these two decided to renew their vows. Pretty much everything was the same except for Ryan’s receding hairline.

They obviously focused on Sean and Catherine’s wedding which will air live tonight (!!!!) I just refuse to take anyone seriously who refers to a honeymoon suite as a consummation station. First of all, let’s remember that a “born again virgin” isn’t a thing, Sean! And Catherine, don’t you think this special moment is ruined when you keep talking about how badly you want to have sex on live television? No? Okay.

Let’s jump right into the most boring episode thus far. Cassandra got the first date and said that she hadn’t had a first date since she was 18 years old. She repeated this no less than 5 times within 10 minutes. Let’s keep in mind that she’s only 21, and she has a child, so honestly, that doesn’t seem like that long ago. You were focused on your kid, gurl. These two took the car from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang into the water.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
The Bachelor aka same

Cassandra said she had so much fun but the way they were thrashed around looked awful. I would have puked for sure. Later in the evening, JP kicked his daughter out of the house so he could bring his lady friend home for sexy time. They cooked together and danced because apparently he thought this would calm her nerves. Because that’s not awkward and uncomfortable.

For the group date they went and played soccer because predictable. This could have been the makings for GREAT drama. Two teams competing for Juan Pabs? Bring out the claws! But there was nothing. It wasn’t until later in the night when Juan and Sharleen were making out in the field when they started getting jealous. Nikki got the rose which I was super happy about. Sharleen is WEIRDING me out.

Elise talked the whole time about how she was 100% sure she was getting the date because Chelsie is such a baby, which of course means only 3 years younger than herself. Chelsie got the date and Elise’s crazy eyes made quite the appearance. Cheslie and JP had a super awkward experience dancing to Spanish music in the car. Will one of these girls get the guts to tell him to never sing again, or am I going to have to do it? Okay, I’ll do it. Kindly stop singing, Juan Pablo. These two got the tandem bungee jump date – I had forgotten about this! I don’t think we’ve seen it since the Jake and Vienna days. Classic. She cried and didn’t want to do it, but overcame it and of course compared it to falling in love. Later they had dinner and a private concert. Billy Currington played for them, who is apparently well-liked in the country world. I thought this was rude. What if she hated country? Selfish, but if that were me, I wouldn’t exactly have been excited.
Favorite quote from this: “Holy moly macaroni” – J Pabs before the big jump

One morning, Juan Pablo went to the mansion to make them Venezuelan breakfast. He said he wanted to see them fresh out of bed when they weren’t all made up and their hair wasn’t done. He was quick to mention that “Clare look really good in Peeyamas.” After breakfast, Juan Pablo said they’d be having a “Poo” party. There were a few gals who were definitely concerned at first, until they realized that he meant “pool.”

They are scraping the bottom of the barrel for drama. Where’s the girl that everyone hates? Where is Tierra when you need her? They tried to make it out to be Kat because she just wanted so much attention. Then they tried to pin it on Sharleen because they happened to see them canoodling on the bench – “They’re french kissing!!!” THE HORROR. So basically, they were jealous of anyone who was near Juan. Clare has a freaking breakdown which was irritating. But I’m laying here in a bikini, why isn’t he coming directly to me and speaking only to me? Because there are 14 other girls in bikinis who are being more aggressive than you. Chill. Renee, of course, consoles her and calms her down. Let’s hope Renee doesn’t go home any time soon since she’s the house therapist.

Lucy and some girl I’ve never seen before were sent home at the rose ceremony so basically nothing is a surprise on this show anymore. UGH.

Watching the pre-amble to the consummation station tonight is looking quite exciting right now.

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