The Bachelor, Week 6: Whoever Steps in the Most Poops Wins

Juan Pablo so eloquently described their New Zealand destination as “It’s a beautiful place with the rivers and mountains.”
you guys

We started out by hearing Clare whine because she is still unsure of “where they stand.” What? This guy publicly shamed you on TV. Leave.

Andi got the first date and they went on some jet to a crazy swamp area. They had to walk through some incredibly narrow areas and if gal pal wasn’t skinny she wouldn’t have fit through. I was getting claustrophobic just watching them. They made it through to the other side and sucked faced directly under a waterfall and definitely almost drowned.

After their make-out sesh, they went and ate dinner by a geyser and Andi was so pissed because “the geyser completely ruined our dinner.” Sorry, nature doesn’t give a crap about your date.

On the group date they rolled around in balls filled with water. I thought for sure everyone would be vomiting, but they all ended up having a blast. I’d now like to try this, please.

Juan-Pab-Nikki-Makeout-Sesh.jpg
I just had to include this awkward still

On the group date, it was repeated 100 times that it was Cassandra’s 22nd birthday. Please just understand that this means that she was born in the 90s. WHAT!? Go home. You’re too young for this. Oh wait, she did go home. Juan Pablo pulled her aside and Nikki whispered “he’s probably just wishing her a happy birthday.” Are you new here, Nik? JP told Cassandra he didn’t see a future with her and didn’t think it was fair to keep her any longer so he sent her home now so she could be with her son. They were actually both super classy and mature about it. What a horrible birthday gift.

Juan Pablo and Clare went on the next date and he said that he was still figuring out their “boundaries.” LOLZ. I think your boundaries are out the window after your romp in the ocean. They talked about their situation and JP essentially told her that he had sex with her out of pity because he thought she would be devastated if he had said no. She accepted this answer. Maybe she thought he meant something else because of the language barrier? I would have been even more offended. Just say you got caught up in the moment and you shouldn’t let it happen again until you’re down to 4 girlfriends instead of ten. She was all smitten with him after this for some reason and they just hung out in harem pants and drank and ate. Clare is definitely his number 1 right now.

Kate and Chelsie accurately figure out that one of them will be sent home and surprise surprise, he sends Kat home. After the rose ceremony, Sharleen basically said she wants to go home but she’s going to “wait it out a week” (AKA hopefully she’ll get a free beach trip) and see what happens. She cries after every rose ceremony, probably because she hates JP.

Final takeaway: JP had a LOT of trouble with his English last night. Some favorites that he didn’t understand were “Cut to the chase,” “Bolt,” and “Frazzled.” How awful must it be to try to have a serious conversation with someone while they are constantly interrupting you to translate. Have fun, ladies.

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