The Bachelor, Week 8, Part Dos: I No Know Dis Word

Welcome to St. Lucia, where fantasy suite nightmares come true. JP kept telling us how he couldn’t wait to stay overnight with each of the women without cameras so they could “talk” in private. I guess he’s not worried about his daughter seeing anything inappropriate anymore. Unrelated, but Camilla is four. He understands that he’s the parent, yes? And he’s able to just not let her watch the show? And even if she did, she probably wouldn’t understand it? I digress.

When he gave Clare the key and obligatory note from Chris Harrison, she was rightfully hesitant due to their awkward encounter weeks earlier in the ocean. She essentially told him that she was okay with it as long as he was okay with it – AKA don’t wake up tomorrow morning and blame me and make me feel like Vivian Ward (especially when you ain’t no Edward Lewis). They obviously accepted the fantasy suite and Clare told him “I’m just like loving falling in love with you” because ladies be articulate up in this joint.

Andi and Juan Pablo chatted and played soccer with the local children which, of course, gave them an accurate glimpse into their future of raising foreign children. He brought Andi to yet another waterfall and they seemed to actually have a super good conversation about thangs. These two also accepted the fantasy suite from Chris Pervert Harrison. The next morning, JP said their overnight date was amazing while Andi said the date was a nightmare. DUN DUN DUN.
Tonight, the fantasy suites turn into nightmares. #TheBachelor two-night event continues tonight at 8|7c on ABC!
She kept saying that he kept talking about himself the entire time and was acting like this is brand new information. How is this the first time you realized that, Andi? Looks like you were the one without your listening ears on up until now.

JP and Nikki went horseback riding and Nikki wore a bra with fringe because that is super appropriate for horseback riding. Their date was nothing special. They accepted the fantasy suite for their overnight, she told him she loved him, blah blah blah.

Back to the good stuff. The ladies each left Juan Pablo videos to watch before the rose ceremony. Clare and Nikki were both like “I love you and want to make babies with you even though you’re not very smart and very selfish.” Andi’s video was like “Look, I’m a lawyer, and I need to talk to you in person so I can have a solid debate about your personality flaws because I really miss arguing.” This conversation was ridiculous, and as Andi said, it’s not because of the language barrier. JP is literally so unintelligent it’s outrageous. She essentially told him that she was pissed at him because he put in no effort to learn about who she is, and he’s so self-centered, and hellooooo welcome to everything that everyone already knew except for you. It eventually came out that Juan Pabs told her that she only made it this far by default which is absurd. He tried to get out of it by saying that word isn’t in his vocabulary (probably factual) and clarifying that he said she “barely” made it. Oh, well that makes it better. She kept getting so mad at him, but I think she was mostly pissed at herself for not realizing he had the mind of an 8-year-old.

So, Andi left and set herself up perfectly to be the next bachelorette. Was this planned? Probably. Andi’s really smart for adults, and she only had to out-smart a child. She made herself likeable, left early enough, and made it clear that she has no respect for Juan Pablo, let alone has any sort of romantic feelings for him. She’s ready for love and a husband, but “I just don’t want it to be him.”

You go girl! See you in May with 25 attractive and (hopefully) intelligent men.

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