The Bachelorette, Week 3: I’ll Make Love to You (Or Make Out with Everyone)

I am so sorry for the delay on the recaps, my friends. I was super busy last week of becoming an AUNTIE. My sister had her baby girl and I spent all of my free time smooching all over her, hence the delay, but I did not forget about this stupid show. Turns out I won’t be that behind since Monday night they did a recap of what’s happened so far this season in case anyone wanted to hate themselves more for watching this show.

Anyway, let’s rewind to last week’s two-parter. Nick and Andi went on a bike ride through town and then chatted on top of a mountain where he told her that he has a crush on her because she has a great resume. CHARMER. Nick seems wayyyy to good for this show. As does Andi, so maybe they’ll work out. They also had their first lip sucking session, which brings Andi’s total to 3 guys that she’s kissed.

For the group date, the gents sang with Boyz II Men to ease everyone’s worries who thought that the boy band was out of our lives forever and confirm that they are not music legends (contrary to what everyone kept saying). They were all SO awful. Literally none of them could carry a tune except Bradley who turned it into an opera song which was even worse. Marquel was obviously super smooth with his dance moves, though. Andi was awful, too. (Side note: One of these days I’m going to figure out what these group dates are so I can attend something like this as it’s happening). What has been your favorite date so far? #TheBachelorette
Later in the evening, Andi played a joke on Cody and said that the guys told her he had a girlfriend, which was just messed up. His reaction was a little crazy, though – like it actually might be true and he thought he had just been caught. I actually kind of like Cody – when I first saw him I was Judgey McJudgerson (because that’s how I roll) and thought he’d be a stereotypical annoying personal trainer but he seems really funny.

The fourth kiss went to Marcus that evening. About 3 minutes later, Josh and Andi had a heated make out sesh. Five kisses – well five people – LOTS of spit swapping.

JJ is a pantstrepreneur which apparently means he wears strange pants. JJ and Andi got their make up done to age themselves 50 years which is exactly what you want to do on a first date. They walked around the park talking in weird ass voices trying to “fool” people. Yea, how did these people not realize that this was fake? Don’t they realize that idiots will do anything for attention – even dress up as old people? JJ got the sloppy 6th kiss.

Apparently Andrew got a waitress’ number so JJ and Josh wanted to address him about it because ME MAN. ME PROTECT ANDI. When they called him out, he just went into his room which was sketchy. He thinks they see him as a threat, so I don’t know why he didn’t just talk about it. The guys were all mad because he was bragging about it, I guess? It seemed pretty irrelevant and confusing – they just needed some drama.

Bradley the opera singer and Brett the hairstylist were sent home but not before Brad told us “I love to be loved and I love to love” through tears.

PART 2

On part 2, we saw the guys go to Connecticut. At first I was like why on earth!? Where are the private islands and helicopter rides? Am I watching the right show? I figured out the reason which we’ll get to a bit later, but it’s pretty EFFED UP, producers.

The guys arrived at the hotel and made sure to cram into the tub and fake cheers. Why are we fake cheersing, guys? Isn’t there free alcohol at your disposal at all times? 5 guys in a hot tub… #TheBachelorette
Dylan got the first one on one date which was apparently on a steam train. We also found out that this is where he grew up (important info for later!). He mentioned that his ex got engaged the day after his brother’s funeral and Andi just nodded like yea that’s tough and then complained in the confessional that he wouldn’t open up. Ummm, I’m pretty sure that was an invitation to say “oh wow! I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. What happened? Would you like to share that with me?” Nah, awkward silence is better instead. Anywhore, Dylan eventually told Andi about how he lost both his brother and his sister to drugs. Andi was very supportive, it was a great chat, etc. Dylan mentioned that it was so difficult being in Connecticut because they were literally in his “backyard” of where he grew up so it brought up memories with his siblings. YOU GUYS – I really think they were huge assholes and did this on purpose to make him super emotional because lest we forget that this is a television show and RATINGSSSS. If that’s the case, that is SO cruel.

Next up was the group basketball date with WNBA players, so my worst nightmare (so athletic). Predictably, they split up into teams and the winning team got to have a group date with Andi. Watching the losing team mope while the winners celebrated was so melodramatic, even for this dumbass show. Suck it up, boys. On their one on one time, Brian made a half court shot which was super awesome at first but quickly got super awkward when he didn’t kiss Andi when she was definitely asking for it.

Andi and Marcus did the “scale down the wall” date so I could literally just repeat anything I said from previous seasons. Andi was OhMiGod so freaked out and Marcus was so supportive and she totes couldn’t have done it without him. It was just extra great because they conquered this fear together. If they can do that they can definitely have a happy marriage. She gave Marcus the rose because this date proved to her that he can be protective, so I guess Andi didn’t get the memo that this is 2014. You a lawyer. You don’t need no protection, gurl. They ended the night at a concert, but it wasn’t private, so they had to watch among others like a bunch of animals. Marcus told Andi that he was falling in love with her which seemed zero amount crazy after 1 date and 8 days of knowing each other. They made out on a platform which I’m sure the crowd appreciated. This was kiss with guy # 7 I think.

Later, Andi got a love letter from a secret admirer but had no idea who it was from, and we still didn’t find out. I’m assuming Nick since he sent her the flowers in the previous episode. Brian took Andi back to the court to kiss her because he regretted not doing it earlier, and I’m sure he was pumped to be the 8th guy she kissed in 10 days. (Side note: I love the way they share everything on this show, specifically herpes).

Eric pulled Andi aside to tell her that he is being open, and he thinks it’s her that’s not being open. He added “I came on this to meet a person, not a TV actress.” And she was all you’re insulting me and saying I’m fake and these tears are real and you don’t know meeee. Long, boring story short, she sent him home. Because she wants the guys to be honest with her, but only if it’s when they tell her that she is a goddess. She went back to the guys and was hysterically crying because now she only had 12 tools to choose from and was all if you think this is a joke then leave. I don’t think that’s what Eric was saying, but okay. She took it way too harshly. I think he just wanted her to open up a little bit more to him. Oh well. He was super calm leaving. Eric is the one who passed away after filming so Chris and Andi had a little sit down chat about it. She lit up when she talked about him. It was quite sad. You could tell she wished that she could have talked to him one more time – maybe don’t be so dramatic when someone tries to have an adult conversation with you next time.

They didn’t show the actual rose ceremony because they wanted to honor Eric, but CH made sure to let us know that Tasos left after that episode.

Is it possible that I’m actually getting sick of this show?

 
LOLZ. NOPE.

 

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