Oh, hi. For those of you who stopped reading due to my lack of posting, I hope you’ve checked in for the triumphant return of The Bachelor recaps. Turns out I just need some desperate, crazy women clawing at the chance to be a homemaker for one of the most boring bachelors to date to make me come back. Although, I thought Ben Flajnik was only going to be exciting because he looked like Francine from Arthur, but his season did bring on some laughs.
I didn’t have high hopes that Chris Upside-Down Smile Farmer would bring entertainment last night, and I was right.
This was a “live premiere” and Chris Harrison grabbed our attention by talking about the virgin who stays in the fantasy suite and two widows fighting for the rose. I’m not exaggerating. He actually said that. No worries everyone – The Hunger Games will be a reality in America soon.
We were three minutes in and I was already over the whole “I’m a 4th generation farmer” crap. If this guy is going to continue to pause at the end of every word I’m. Going. To. Lose. My. Shit.
Turns out the whole “live premiere” thing is just to force us to watch ridiculous shit before we actually see the episode.
1. Chris carrying hay is the new Shirtless-Sean-in-the-Shower. Looking out yonder from a mountain? Chris don’t have time for that. He leans against a bike and gazes into a cornfield like a real man.
2. Happy to see that Catherine is still saying outrageous things on national television about her sex life. No one cares that you’re not having babies now and Sean says you’re “just practicing” right now.
3. I couldn’t get whole “hunger games” image out of my head the whole time. These people are thrown into a ring, ready to claw at anyone and anything who got in their way of victory. And we’re sitting here watching the real-life horror show.
4. I’m pretty impressed with the careers these women have. No “dog lovers” here. We have a nurse, a producer, a dance teacher, a school counselor, and more. Although one girl did start droning on about how much she hates cooking, cleaning, and paying bills. I love ambition.
5. Does crazy Claire have a baby?
6. Nevermind, I think it’s someone else’s child.
7. Andi is confident that Chris will find someone who “doesn’t mind being in Iowa” but over her dead body will someone actually WANT to live there.
8. I just realized the tagline this season is “Prince Farming.” Put a fork in me.
9. Nikki showed up sans Juan Pablo and no one was surprised they broke up because he’s a douche bag. She was way nicer than she could have been. This whole interview dragged on for toooooo long. Stop asking questions, Chris. They’re just “different people.” SO repetitive and SO BORING.
10. I’m bored.
After a day of watching red carpet hunger games bullshit, we finally got to the actual show and I wasted 3 days of my life watching these women walk out of limos. After went through the first 15 girls, Chris took a break to chat with them. I was going to touch on the most crazy girls, but it honestly just got to be too much, too boring, too everything.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, 15 more plastics showed up. I don’t have time to deal with 30 crazy women! Neither does Chris. There are less women who live in his town, probably.
We have someone who brought a fake heart, crazy eyes, “you can plow my field any day” slut, and so many more idiots. They all went through the typical “I want one-on-one time with Chris,” irritating shtick and it started getting super boring. Are we sensing a theme? Bo-ring.
He gave the first impression rose to free hugs Britt. Not to be outdone by man-whores of Bachelor past, Chris gave her the first kiss of the season.
By this point I couldn’t believe how long they dragged this crap out for and I only half-watched the rose ceremony. Tara was hammered, which I appreciate. After a serious chat with Chris Harrison, Chris still gave her a rose so that was a complete waste of everyone’s time. One girl who didn’t get a rose (I think the beast wrestler?) confronted Chris but apparently this was too good to air and we have to wait until next week.
Chris Farmer and Chris Harrison: you jerks better start bringing it soon…