Diet Tips for the New Year

It’s been 7 days since most people started dieting and exercising. It’s also been 7 days of people complaining about the new gym-goers (I hate these people almost as much as I hate Oprah. Mind your business.)

Anyway. I have NOT joined a gym and I have not been dieting for 7 days because I’m realistic. I don’t believe in New Years resolutions because I know that Valentine’s candy is already available and the thought of hampstering on a treadmill at the gym makes me want to die.

However, being realistic, I don’t want to shell out money for new pants, black leggings can only do so much, and I’d prefer to wear pants with buttons and zippers without feeling like someone’s trying to strangle my muffin top.

Henceforth, I am reeling in my food intake. I’ll get to exercise when we get to it because running in freezing temperatures and ice = no thank you and inside is not an option (see above). Besides, I don’t hate my leggings THAT much.

Tips for Starting and Sticking to Your Diet

1. Eat everything in site the day before you start your diet, including the plastic candy cane filled with Reese’s (Thanks a lot, TIM.) Pizza is a fine last meal as well.

2. Pick a diet. This might be obvious but there’s so much (stupid) crap out there. Wanna be Vegan, Paleo, and Gluten free? Have fun eating kale leaves for the rest of your life. If you’re curious, I am (somewhat) counting calories and refraining from carbs. Not to be repetitive about the whole realistic thing but only somewhat because I’m not keeping track of calories for fugging broccoli. Also somewhat on the “no carbs” because LOL hi have we met?

3. Expect immediate results and get pissed when it doesn’t happen. I am on Day 3 of this garbage and I STILL don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model. WTF.

4. Drink water. This one is actually legit. If I don’t have water in front of me, I’m doing something wrong. I drink a lot of water to begin with so this is pretty easy. The only downside is that you are either constantly peeing or constantly feel like you have to pee. I’m making this sound great, right?

5. Cook a bunch of healthy shit. I made a week plus worth of meals, froze some of it, and bam. When there’s nothing in the house at my disposal I’m far more likely to find myself eating a burrito and wondering how I even ended up at Chipotle. Another plus of cooking ahead is that you’ll save money.

6. (Optional but should be Mandatory) Watch so much Netflix that you forget that 8PM is typically dessert time because it is now “V is such a manipulative bitch” time (Orange is the New Black, anyone?) You could probably read or get some other sort of hobby, but I’ve never tried that so I can’t back-up any results.

Happy Dieting!

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