The Bachelor, Week 2: Don’t Be Weirded Out, I’m Only Kind of a Stalker

I wouldn’t be a good mediocre blogger if I didn’t address the fact that Andi and Josh broke up last week. If you don’t follow the show as closely as I do, you might be thinking big whoop, don’t all of these asshats break up eventually? You are correct. However, these particular asshats showed up at the live premiere last Monday and happily discussed their wedding planning while Andi kept rubbing his back, making everyone feel awkward.

Rumor has it that Josh broke up with her because he actually never wanted to be with her and was hoping to be the next Bachelor. At first I felt bad for Andi, but then it was confirmed that they’re both just fame whores and stayed together for the money and attention they were getting. I knew I didn’t like her.

Anyway, let’s move along to the far more snooze-worthy Chris the Farmer.
We had to.

Kimberly, “Yoga Instructor” was the girl who couldn’t get over the fact that Chris didn’t give her a rose last week. She was crying to Farmer because she didn’t get a chance to talk to him and “knows there’s a reason she’s there.” This would have MAYBE been acceptable if you’re down to the top 3 girls, but the first night? Pull yourself together, Kimmy! Chris is a doormat, so he let her stay and obviously the rest of the hyenas were out for her blood.

I appreciate that they don’t hide the fact that everyone gets so hammered on this show. Chris Harrison asked everyone, Farmer included, “Do you remember anything, or is it just a blur?” which received a unanimous “Yeah, just a blur.” Stay classy, folks.

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The first group date forced the girls to ride tractors in a bikini because Chris is a feminist and knows girls can do anything men can. Just kidding, he made sure they were in bikinis because he just needs a homemaker and wanted to check out their bodies.

Chris picked the infant of the group for the one-on-one portion of the date. MacKenzie told Chris she likes guys with big noses AKA him, and they also discussed the fact that aliens are real because everyone loves chatting about that on a first date, or any date for that matter. She told him about her son and then he liked her apparently because he gave her the rose. Evidently, he isn’t aware that her son’s name is Kale because anyone who subjects their child to a name like that should not be allowed in public. This girl seems sweet but that’s because she’s a child. She’s 21 and through the power of Google I found out that Chris is 33. Aside from age, what in the actual fuck happened on this date that made Chris think “Yeah, definitely. she definitely has a shot.” Just end it now.

Meghan got the one-on-one date and apparently she’s never seen the show before because she thought the date card was a love letter from Chris. Idiot. These two took the first jet trip of the season over the Grand Canyon. I want to go on this show just for the travel. Megan told Chris about her Dad who passed away before going on the show. I hate when they show these women being human because it doesn’t fit in with the theme of the show, which is drinking and cat fights.

The second group date was titled “Til death do us part” on the date card. You really know how to woo the ladies, don’t you Farmer? They did some weird zombie thing. I stopped paying attention because I was bored. Then Ashley started going nuts on everyone and I perked up. She was speaking gibberish and asked Chris to play hide and seek. I assumed she was just drinking the juicy juice but it seems like she may have a legitimate problem. Either that, or she’s making fun of those who do. Either way, the whole thing was very tacky. Shame on you, producers.

Random Notes

He gave the rose to Kaitlyn who seems like the worst choice of them all. She is definitely going to be the one who causes all the drama this season.

Some girl brought him a bottle of whiskey so he should probably pick her.

We find out that Ashley is a Virgin. One minute later, she made Chris rub her magic lamp belly button ring and then they sucked face pretty aggressively because that was Farmie’s wish. Why do you have a belly button ring to begin with? Why is it of a magic lamp? Virgin or not, why are you whoring yourself out? So many questions.

Jordan was hammered trying to get Chris to kiss her but he didn’t. Probably for the best…
Drunk Twerking. Don’t try this at home!

At the rose ceremony, Chris called Julia and Jillian went up, thinking he said her name. To top it off, she tripped over the rug and almost fell. Luckily for her, she ended up getting a rose so that took away from some of the embarrassment.

He sent home Tara, Jordan, and other girls I’ve never seen before. Tara was way too sad for this early on in the game.

Final Kiss Count: SIX. Britt, Meghan, McKenzie, Ashley, Kaitlyn, and some bitch I don’t know.

Thoughts After Last Night: These girls better bring it this season because Chris the Farmer is an awful Bachelor. You need to have an outgoing, energetic personality and he is a monotone robot.

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