The Bachelor, Week 3: If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em

The Bachelor is a joke on it’s own. You don’t need a comedian on the show to point out the fucking obvious. That’s my job. Jimmy Kimmel is known for making fun of The Bachelor but having him mock the entire thing on the actual show? You are basically admitting that the whole circus is a joke. This might as well have been an SNL sketch.

I get that they were trying to be like “We’re so cool, we get how ridiculous this show is, and we’re gonna make fun of ourselves for it,” but it looked more like “We are assholes and love making these women look pathetic,” especially because the girls were laughing like “Oh my God! I love Jimmy Kimmel so much!” You damn bimbos, he’s making fun of you. I just can’t believe this was an actual episode but I guess nothing should surprise me at this point.

Kaitlyn got the first one-on-one which – wait for it – Jimmy planned. They went to Costco and when they pulled up Kaitlyn was so pissed. I would be, too. If I want to go to Costco, I’ll do that on my own time. If I want to sign up for free trips around the world, I’ll go on The Bachelor. We did learn that neither Chris nor Kaitlyn have a sense of humor because they took Jimmy’s request for “enough ketchup to fill a hot tub” literally. Kaitlyn loved how normal this date was. Uh. Evidently I’m not normal because having kids roll me and my boyfriend around in a blow up toy in Costco isn’t my typical Saturday activity.
We’re on a roll!

They started preparing dinner for Jimmy and then made fun of how the other laughs. Five minutes later, I was sleeping from boredom, and they finally stopped laughing and started making out just as Jimmy walked in.

Jimmy asked Kaitlyn how she would feel if Chris slept with multiple women in the fantasy suite and being the classy girl that she is, she responded that she wouldn’t care because “you have to take a test drive.” Kaitlyn got the rose and tried to hide the fact that she was more interested in Jimmy Kimmel than she was in Chris.

Final Thoughts After This Date: If Chris doesn’t start moving his mouth when he speaks, I’m going to shove my fist through it.

Jillian got ready for the group date by working out so I guess she thought it was a Crossfit competition. The date was a farming-related competition where they had to do things like shuck corn and drink goat milk. Carli won the competition and was so happy because she’s in the game now. I love when these assholes acknowledge that the whole thing is just a game.

Carli kissed Chris and because three weeks into the show, she finally realized that “Chris is a man and she is a woman.” So smart. Mackenzie started getting upset because Chris started kissing other women. She’s a baby so I guess she hasn’t been watching this show since high school like the rest of us, but welcome to The Bachelor, KENZ. Idiot.

Becca was a breath of fresh air after these jackwagons since she actually knew how to have a conversation and was classy and refrained from kissing him in fear of looking like a hooker. Although, she had trouble with the whole “move your mouth when you talk” thing too, so their kids would be screwed in that department. Nevertheless, she got the rose on this date.

Whitney got the second date and started crying so I think she was confusing this with an actual engagement. These two had a picnic and wore matching pink shirts. When they see a wedding in the distance, they decide to crash it and Whit is so excited because apparently she’s been dreaming of crashing weddings since she was a little girl. This would have been funnier if it weren’t obvious how planned it was. There’s no way that not a single person at this wedding didn’t recognize him. Whitney was excited because Chris is a good dancer, so I guess we were watching different guys dance.

The Soules Train!

They shared their first kiss as most do – on the dance floor of a wedding for a couple they don’t know. Whitney is definitely a front runner. This is the first time Chris has seemed to genuinely like one of these girls, and even more shocking, she seemed to feel the same way. Whit is in the top 3 for sure, if not the winner.

Jimmy Kimmel informed the ladies that they’d have a pool party in lieu of a cocktail party because these assholes don’t day drink enough. Julia told Chris her story about losing her husband. Chris handled this really well and I felt bad for her but is this the best environment to get over your husband’s death? Spoiler Alert: NO.

Jade – whoever the hell she is – was upset because her relationship isn’t as developed as the rest of the girls so she took Chris aside and he took her on a tour of his house. They made out on his bed while Jillian waited for him in the hot tub. Chris ended up joining her while she threw herself at him. Ashley started crying because Jillian wouldn’t leave Chris alone. Just go in and say “Hey Chris, can we go for a walk?” Or, ya know, act like 5-year-old who is being bullied on the playground. Whichever one you prefer.

Roses: Kaitlyn, Becca, Whitney, Jade, Samantha, Julia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Crazy Eyes/Onion Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian, and Ashley I.

Sent Home Sobbing: Three girls I’ve never seen before

Final Thoughts After This Episode: I hate these girls. I might not be able to watch anymore. Jimmy Kimmel fake crying in the car is amazing. I hope these idiots finally start to realize what they look like.

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One thought on “The Bachelor, Week 3: If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em

  1. 1.) I waited all day for this recap at work and it didnt show up in my mailbox and I felt let down. 2.) If I have to see whats her butch’s ass being covered up by a black bar one more time I’m going to pull a Teresa Giudice and start flipping shit.

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