Super Bowl XLIX

Fact: I had to look up the Roman Numeral number for 49.

On The Game:

I never win anything. I never win raffles. I certainly never win grand trips to the Bahamas that aren’t spam text messages. I’m the person who can’t even win $1 on scratch-offs most of the time. So, when numbers were picked for Super Bowl Squares and my luck gave me less than stellar odds (8 and 6, 8 and 4!) I wasn’t surprised and remained as uninterested in the game as I normally am.

I would glance up every so often, thinking if I were lucky enough to win anything, it would be 1st quarter or halftime, not the final score. Time ticked on, I kept gorging on pizza and cookies, and eventually left my friends house. I turned on the game at the very end. You guys. I hate football. I don’t understand it. I don’t get the excitement. But last night, I fell in love. I fell in love with Malcom Butler. Had the score not been 28-24 I would have never remembered his name. I probably wouldn’t even know who won. But last night, I WON!!! Now, these weren’t $5000 squares, so I’m not buying my beach house any time soon. I’m mostly just excited about the fact that I won something for the first time in my life. I think I should go buy a ticket for the Mega Millions Jackpot now.

money animated GIF

On Katy Batshit Crazy Perry:

Katy Perry is an entertainer, that’s for sure. When my friend Katie lived in California we went to a Katy Perry concert when I went to visit her and it was awesome! The costumes! The lights! The tricks! It’s just – I think the Super Bowl Halftime Show needs something more than Katy pretending she’s Katniss Everdeen,
Capitol Records animated GIF

and seducing beachballs,
Capitol Records animated GIF

and (poorly) dancing with sharks
2015 Katy Perry animated GIF

As my friend Kate asked “Is she not known for her dance moves?” No, apparently, she is not. Maybe I would have enjoyed this if I were high, but it was just too ridiculous, even for KP. I hated the whole thing until Missy Elliot came back into our lives like the past 10 years haven’t happened and she’s been relevant and thin all along.
Missy Elliot S animated GIF

I don’t know what was happening with her hair, but watching her was an amazing journey down memory lane and I saw my 15-year-old self downloading her only 2 singles on Limewire. It was the best decision Katy Perry made about her performance. Missy, you are BOSS. Come back for real, please.

So, overall, Katy sucked. I feel like by bringing Missy back she was trying to be like “see, I’m cool too and can bring back the early 2000s!” Doesn’t work if you’re not Beyonce and you weren’t actually relevant in the early 2000s, Kate.

television animated GIF
This is how it’s done. I’ll just use any excuse for a Beyonce gif, really.

All it really did was remind us all how awesome Missy is and confirm how strange Katy’s entire persona is. I refuse to even touch on Lenny Kravitz’s presence.

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