The Bachelor, Week 8: I’m Sweating and I’m Scared

Fantasy Suites Week, here we come!

Chris and Kaitlyn had the first date and they went to a local temple in Bali where they were unable to kiss. This sounds like my kind of date with Chris – stay away from me, bro. This show will do anything to get these idiots to wear shit on their heads. 

just needed an excuse to post this picture

Monkeys roam the streets in Bali and apparently Chris didn’t realize that monkeys could be mean and went right up to them. Doesn’t everyone know this? I guess he’s never read a book. They hissed at him so that made me happy.

Kaitlyn talked to Chris a lot about her guard and how she wants to let her guard down and how she wished she didn’t have a guard up. Guard, guard, guard. Chris told Kaitlyn he heard everything she was saying, so it’s confirmed – He does, as suspected, have ears. She accepted the fantasy suite and Chris was like well DUH because I deserve to get laid. We listened to their disgusting lip smacking for long enough for Kaitlyn to realize that she’s falling in love with Chris. He told her that he’s falling in love with her, too, and Al and I gasped because isn’t this not allowed?! 

 No one EVER says it back. I always thought it was actually against the rules, but maybe former bachelors just used their common sense and realized that you shouldn’t do that. Either way, Chris is an idiot.

After Chris and Kaitlyn boned in the fantasy suite, Chris woke up feeling ecstatic about seeing Whitney because she told him she loves him and he was looking forward to exploring deeper feelings with her. These two went sailing in the Indian Ocean. Whitney told Chris that she was nervous that her sister screwed up her chances and he responded “you…shouldn’t…be…worried…” Thanks for the solid reassurance. Whitney babbled on about how she loves being a nurse but not as much as she wants “having babies” to be her career. I hope she realizes she has to keep the babies after she births them. Whitney also accepted the fantasy suite because she hasn’t thrown herself at Chris enough. 

This was a big date for Becca because she knew the fantasy suite is on the date and she’s an OMG Virgin. They went to talk to some sort of Bali psychic who told them that they would be great parents and they were definitely a good couple. Chris took that literally. I was surprised he didn’t propose to her right then. To make it 3 for 3, Chris told Becca that he’s falling in love with her.  Becca finally told Chris her “big secret” and he was way too silent for way too long. Honestly, I think he was surprised/disappointed, but I think he was more taken off guard because he thought she was going to say she murdered someone based on the way she built it up. Either way, the whole thing was so damn awkward. Chris was like “I respect that but let me just close the curtains quick because I’m still holding out hope.”

Chris was terrified because he doesn’t know who he wants to send home. I was terrified because none of these girls voluntarily left. Chris continued to fake cry and ponder his life on a farm with all of these women. He acted like he was trying to make a decision but I think he was actually trying to figure out a way to marry all three of them. 

 The rose ceremony took place in a holy location where only hand-holding was allowed. I totally respect that but is anyone going to address the fact that they he had sex with the 3 of them in one weekend? Chris pulled Becca aside to talk about their conversation from their date. Becca again said that she is falling in love with Chris and reiterated that she’s crazy about him and would be willing to move to Arlington if it came down to that. Chris sent Kaitlyn home and she was the only one who didn’t see it coming – poor girl. When she asked “why?” Chris sighed over and over and talked about how scared he was and how he was so unsure. Always such a damn wimp, that farmer. At least now we know that Kaitlyn will be our bachelorette! I would not have been able to deal with mousey Whitney for another season.

I’m torn on what he’ll decide to do. Whitney is a sure thing. She’ll pack up her shit and start popping out babies in a barn. I just think Chris actually likes Becca more but he’s like “how long exactly are you going to want to hold on to that V-card? Because I’m not sure if I’m okay with keeping it in my pants.” 

Ah, romance. 


3 thoughts on “The Bachelor, Week 8: I’m Sweating and I’m Scared

  1. I think “I’m falling in love with you” is okay, compared to outright saying “I love you.” I mean it’s not OKAY, because let’s get serious, this whole thing is a joke. I keep trying to figure out how people are falling in love with him? I…mean…he…*sigh*…can’t…talk without…stuttering, UGHHHH!

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