Before last night’s “Women Tell All” episode I saw Chris Harrison’s tweet and got so excited for the garbage that was to come.
Instead, the show began and we watched Harrison and Farmer crash Bachelor viewing parties for 10 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. Apparently, we needed to be “locked and loaded” to watch people inaccurately describe Chris as attractive.
Britt and Carly hashed it out while Britt, a grown woman, cried because she thought she was besties with Carly, a woman she’s known for three weeks who actually hates her. Jillian jumped in to attack and made it all about her because apparently Carly “talked trash” about her to Chris by saying that she is a man. No one stopped her from screaming at Carly because she was so frightening. We learned that Carly may have been a little more fake with Britt about their friendship, but it just annoyed me that Britt thinks she’s so perfect that the only possible reason Chris sent her home was because of what Carly said. I’m still team Carly. I’ll just never trust a person who can cry for 20 minutes with a full face of make-up and unwashed hair and still look like this.
Britt ended her Q&A by admitting that she thinks Carly totally sabotaged her chances with Chris. She claimed that if that didn’t happen, she’d still be with Chris which is just so LOL because how cocky are you? That’s such a slap in the face to Whitney and Becca who are one thousand percent both better fits for the boring Farmer.
Kelsey was up next to talk about her tragic but “amazing” story. Call me crazy, but I wouldn’t call a story about my husband dying “amazing.” Scratch that – call Kelsey crazy, not me. Kelsey cried without tears and then asked Chris Harrison for his silk handkerchief to wipe her invisible snot. She said she thought the women didn’t like her because she uses big words. I wish someone would explain to her that people don’t dislike you because you use big words; they dislike you because you think they dislike you because you use big words. Also, you don’t actually use big words at all.
If possible, she pissed me off even more during this episode. The fact that her husband died is horrible. The fact that she glorified his death on national television is – to use her word – despicable.
Ashley Onion was up next and it was confirmed that she’s definitely just very quirky. She admitted that she just didn’t do well dealing with being in front of the cameras constantly. Chris Harrison begged her to be on Bachelor in Paradise and she didn’t answer and instead commented on how weird it is that they’re all on TV. Yes, yes it is, girlfriend. I really hope she decides to do the show.
Jade was in the hot seat next and we were given another reminder to Google “Jade Playboy,” while she cried to Harrison about how Farmer “blogged” about being disturbed after meeting her family because the Jade he knew was much different than the one her brothers described. I had to put “blog” in quotes because I’m willing to bet that the gentleman who can’t speak in full sentences most certainly can’t write them. Note to Jade: he probably never said any of the crap you read since he can’t write.
Kaitlyn was up next and we recapped their journey which only proved that Kaitlyn has a personality and Chris does not. She chatted with Harrison about how blindsided she was when Chris dump her. Kaitlyn kept quiet among the drama with the other girls, and stayed classy during her interview, so she must be the next Bachelorette. Too many people now hate Carly, Jade would get too many perverts applying, and Britt needs to be able to speak without crying before she can date 25 men at once.
True to form, the entire “Women Tell All” was a gold mine of entertainment until Farmer came out to remind us that this season is about who can be the most boring.
Britt spoke with Farmer first and she was (not surprisingly) so annoying. She hugged him for an awkward amount of time and then basically made it seem like she needed to give him her blessing to move on from her. He broke up with you and is probably engaged, you ass. I was so happy he clarified that the reason he sent her home had nothing to do with Carly. She continued to cry for the rest of the night while her make-up remained in tact like some sort of witchcraft.
Kaitlyn grilled Farmie about making her sit through the rose ceremony rather than sending her home beforehand. I understood her point, but it doesn’t seem like Chris had been clear enough about any of his decisions before Chris Harrison trots out with the roses. Count your blessings, Kaity.
Jade questioned Chris‘ blog post. I honestly have no idea what he responded because I was more outraged at the fact that they were holding hands the entire time. Aren’t you engaged, dude? I would have been livid if I were Whitney and/or Becca. Don’t mind me, I’m just comforting my ex girlfriend. Hold on, let me rub her shoulder as well. Jade also questioned his use of the word “awkward” to describe her Playboy photos so I guess she was just mad that he didn’t immediately tell her how smokin’ hot she was.
I’m already dreading wasting 3 hours of my life on this God-forsaken show next week.
But, I’ll do it. You bet your ass I’ll do it.