The Bachelorette, Week 5: Kaitlyn Thinks She is the First Person to Value Honesty

A dramatic elevator ride.

A dramatic elevator door opens.

A dramatic opening of a hotel room door and we’ve reached the good stuff.

Nick walked into 15 guys crammed onto one couch grilling him, so he took the other empty couch for himself while stammering through his “intentions” because I guess Kaitlyn’s suitors are her fathers as well. One of the jacked guys with a Southern accent jumped on Nick for calling Kaitlyn a “cool chick” and the guys were all worried about his presence because it meant they might lose a rose.

The group headed over to Citi Field for the cocktail party because a run-of-the-mill banquet hall isn’t good enough for these hooligans. JJ took Kaitlyn down to the field and ran the bases while carrying her. None of the guys even commented on this outrageous gesture so they really must have been focused on the Nick situation. 

Shawn, the unattractive man who people inaccurately compare to Ryan Gosling, confronted Kaitlyn about Nick. She started crying and asked him to trust her because she has strong feelings about the feelings that she is feeling for him. Feelings. Shawn dramatically told her that her actions don’t match her words and they stared at each other in silence until the camera finally cut away from them and spared us further tears from K.

The rose ceremony took place on the field. Kaitlyn stood on the pitchers mound while the men shivered in front of her. Literally. These guys had blue lips and chattering teeth. As if the humiliation of being sent home wasn’t enough, they had to do it in freezing temps. Not to fret, boys, next up is San Antonio!

One-on-One Date #1

Ben H. (here on out known as Benaitch) and Kaitlyn took off in a vintage pick-up truck to the oldest dance hall in Texas. Benaitch was naively cute when he said that Kaity knew him well so she planned a country date for him. Poor thing doesn’t know that this was planned before they even met. They did some dancing and we listened to random Texan couples compare love to dancing because there haven’t been enough metaphors this season.

Go Mary Jo!

During dinner, Kaitlyn pried and pried until Benaitch finally “opened up.” The editing on this scene was awful because I have no idea what their conversation was about. He told Kaitlyn he had a serious girlfriend and she was floored by their break-up, asking if he was sure he was ready for another serious relationship and possible engagement. I was left super confused, because I didn’t understand what was so bad about his previous relationship and break-up. Hey, producers – PAY MORE ATTENTION. Do you need me to help? Give me a call. Anyway, Benaitch got a rose.

Group Date

The guys were given the task of writing Mariachi songs to perform for Kaitlyn. Poor Ian was under a lot of pressure because Kait wanted to see his sense of humor “if he has one.” Turns out, doesn’t, and he totally choked. Nick was trying to get the guys to hate him even more so he serenaded Kaitlyn up on a balcony. Part of his song was “We have such a strong connection, I get a big erection,” but erection was bleeped out. Stay classy, ABC. No one knew what it said since you bleeped it out.

Josh let Kaitlyn cut his hair because he thought, for some reason, that it would make up for his terrible singing. She claimed that “the clippers died” so he ended up with half a Mohawk which was amazing. Later, he confronted Nick and told him that he didn’t trust him because he was so in love with Andi. Nick explained that he was happy Josh was on his season with Andi because if he hadn’t been, she would have picked him instead when clearly there could have been someone better for her out there. I knew what he meant but he wasn’t articulating it very well. The barbarian men couldn’t grasp this concept which is very telling of their (lack of) intelligence. It was the only accurate point made all season, so maybe it is good that Nick came back. Just kidding, of course it’s absurd that he came back.

Josh told Kaitlyn that he asked Nick about his “intentions” and that no one else was being honest with her about him. Kaity doesn’t play that game so she stormed out and asked everyone if they were lying. They sat silent and cowered while she lectured them like a group of children. Josh waited intently for someone to speak up and join his “I Hate Nick” Club but no one did and it somehow got turned around on him as being a lying liar. After that, Kaity thought it would be appropriate to give Nick the group rose because that would create the least drama in her dream world.

One-on-One Date #2

Shawn and Kaitlyn went kayaking which “no one else is able to do” according to Kaitlyn, so she lives in a hole. Even I have been kayaking and I spend most of my time making fun of strangers on The Bachelor.  

Later that night, Shawn told K about a bad car accident he was in a few years ago to explain how lucky he felt to be with her. He went on to say that he was falling in love with her and she said “I feel the same way” because what is this show here for if you can’t fall in love after one date? He, of course, got the rose.

Cocktail Hour & Rose Ceremony

Back at the hotel, Ian told Nick that he didn’t want to stay because he doesn’t find Kaitlyn interesting. I found that quite interesting since he’s been so damn dull the whole time. He just couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want a “Princeton graduate, former model, that defied death, and has been around the world.” Someone help out the Princeton grad with the definition of arrogance. He went on to admit that if the roles were reversed and he had 25 women to choose from, he thinks he would have been able to meet someone. No shit, Sherlock. Congratulations on understanding basic math and how probability works.

He later told Kaitlyn things like “you’re not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend” and how he can’t date someone who thinks poop and fart jokes are funny. Wonderful. We should be done creating that robot wife for you shortly. I hate to break it to you, Ian, but any girl with a personality is going to make potty jokes. Either that or I’ve been doing it wrong my whole life. He continued to insult her and inaccurately described himself as a human being worth knowing while Kaitlyn just stared at him like she was going to kill him – or like she was constipated (see what I did with the poop joke there?)

After that, we got a “to be continued” because this show thinks people are still taking them seriously.

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