In case you forgot what an asshole Ian was last week, we got to see a bit more on last night’s episode of The Bachelorette. Kaitlyn and Ian continued their discussion about how shallow and “surface level” she is. The following is not verbatim, but pretty similar.
Ian: You just seem like a huge whore with no intelligence and a disturbing sense of humor.
Kaitlyn: You’re a dick.
Ian: But I’m deep.
Kaitlyn: This is incredibly offensive and you have a weird bald spot in between your bald spots on top of your head.
Ian: But I went to Princeton.
Ian: I’m deep. I went to Princeton.
Kaitlyn: You went to Princeton. Do you know how to say any other sentences, then?
Ian: No. And I’m not funny. But is humor really important?
Kaitlyn: Yes, yes it is. And it’s hilarious that you think you will ever be taken seriously again, by anyone.
*Ian obviously went home. Later on, Ian in Limo*
Ian: Whatever, I’m deep and I went to Princeton.
Nick was obviously the first one to run to Kaitlyn and find out what happened. I didn’t pay much attention to their conversation because I was distracted by his slight speech impediment which makes him sound like Neil Goldman from Family Guy.
Also, he was wearing beaded bracelets. Because of that, I have no idea what he said. It was something along the lines of “I’m a huge creep and you’re the only person who doesn’t see it. So, please keep me around so it’s easier to stalk you.” At one point he playfully bit her finger and I straight up yelped. He is so horrifying.
Chris Harrison (Where the hell have you been? Everything has gone to shit!) startled Kaitlyn in an alley to find out how she was doing and remind her that she’s halfway through hell. Kaitlyn gave a monotone speech and told the guys that she is falling in love and following her heart. Her lack of enthusiasm made it sound super sincere. She (obviously) sent Joshua home and another guy whose name I can’t recall. Joshua cried while everyone else cheered because they’re going to Dublin.
One-on-One Date (AKA THE DATE WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL SEASON – WHEN NICK AND KAITLYN BONE)
Kaitlyn was hangin’ with the guys when she told Nick he had 10 minutes to get ready for their date. Nick put on some green leggings and his signature leather jacket. Seriously, end it with the snug pants, Nick. Kaitlyn kept saying how she had to judge Nick by how he is with her and ignore what the guys say. Why is she acting like he wasn’t on an entire other season where she saw how outrageous he was!? Kaitlyn’s bird fear was in full swing but Nick loved it because he got to
comfort her feel her up. Good thing they went to a bar and started making out in front of everyone. They disturb me so much. That poor old man on the right.
They went to dinner where Nick made Kaitlyn feel like a “desired woman” by whispering sweet nothings in her ear, and probably not hiding his excitement in those tight pants. Kaity asked Nick if he wanted to go back to her room and “hang out” to which he obviously obliged. I think it was around this time that Kaitlyn’s parents started feeling a little queasy while watching.
After making out on the couch, Kaitlyn led Nick into bed which is when Kaitlyn’s parents started dry heaving.
Finally, Nick told her “I want to know every part of you,” and Kaitlyn’s parents were projectile vomiting all over their living room.
The vomiting continued through the heavy breathing and I don’t think it’s stopped since.
Kaitlyn woke up and was somehow surprised that she felt guilty for having sex with Nick – but only because she’s dating 10 other guys, just so we’re clear. She was worried that Nick would tell everyone and started freaking out. What makes you think that? Is it because he called out Andi on live television for sleeping with him and then dumping him? He definitely won’t do the same to you. Idiot.
Come to think of it, he looks like a leprechaun.
For some reason, Kaitlyn was supposed to pretend to be dead. They had an “Irish Wake” where they each had to say something about Kaitlyn. It was super awkward. Poor Benzie was sad because he was reminded of his mom’s death. Let’s try to be a little sensitive Kait.
At the booze fest later that night, Jared and Benzie had cutesy little chats and make-out sessions with Kaitlyn. Shawn (ugly Ryan Gosling) decided he wasn’t going to play games. He showed Kait pictures of his family so when she gave the rose to Jared, he was pissed. Jared and Kaitlyn went off to a private concert by The Cranberries. How unfortunate for them – The Cranberries, I mean. During this time, Shawn went on a rant about how he spent 6 hours with Kaitlyn a few weeks ago when she told him he was “the one,” apparently, so now he’s pissed.
Shawn started to confront Kaitlyn before they left us with another asinine “To Be Continued.” The producers realize that goes without saying, right? Like, it’s always continuing. Anyway, the previews for next week better actually deliver because Kaitlyn does a lot of ugly crying and that’s really all I want to see.
There was a check in with Britt and Brady where her mom kept referring to him as her “friend.” I didn’t understand what they were trying to do with this. It didn’t make sense. I think they’re dating, but quite frankly, I don’t give a shit.