Bachelor in Paradise, Week 1: She Doesn’t Even Go Here

Yesterday, Al asked if I would be blogging about Bachelor in Paradise and my immediate response was “No. It’s 2 nights per week. That’s such a big commitment.”

And then I watched the episode.

Things change.

Bachelor in Paradise cast

We were greeted by Chris Harrison on a beach in Mexico, sipping some sort of tropical drink out of a coconut, because why the hell not?

Jade and Jared were the first two to arrive which apparently meant they were a couple since they started holding hands and walking along the beach. Carly, Tenley, Jonathan, and Tanner walked down shortly after. Tenley was excited because these guys all seemed like classy gentleman. I don’t know about you, but I definitely categorize humans who take part in a show called Bachelor in Paradise as class act folk.

Ashley I. brought her sister, Lauren, along with her. Ashley kept describing Lauren as her “younger sister but opposite in every way,” AKA she’s a huge slut. Mikey Testosterone went to her immediately sans shirt and she flailed and flirted with him in the water. Afterwards, she told Ashley that she’s so not into him. Really? Could’ve fooled me. The rest of the girls judged her for being there because she wasn’t even on a season of The Bachelor.


Chris Harrison told the group that Bachelor in Paradise is about love. Apparently “love” stands for “herpes” this season. To really emphasize the tackiness, Marcus and Lacy chose to get married on the show by none other than Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison Marries Marcus and Lacy

His resume is TV show host, therapist, “writer,” and ordained minister, apparently. There’s really nothing like having your closest friends and family – and strangers in neon bikinis – witness your marriage vows. How lucky these two are!

Marcus and Lacy Bachelor in Paradise Wedding

Jared still hasn’t figured out how to shave his facial hair. After the wedding, he announced that he wants nothing more than to get married on the set of Bachelor in Paradise next year. Really? Nothing? A hole in the head, maybe?


Ashley Onion showed up and went directly to chat with some birds. Poor Ashley S.

Black Bar Jillian got a boob job. They let them film the surgery. I hate her.

Lauren told Ashley that she didn’t want to be there anymore because she wasn’t interested in any of the guys and all the girls there were old and desperate. Bitch,  they’re like 28. Who you calling old!?

Carly & Kirk got sloshed together and laughed over how small her hands are. There must have been more than just alcohol involved. ‘Shrooms, maybe? They were acting high.

Ashley told Jared that she was wearing her Jasmine bathing suit and thought that meant they were engaged. Later, Jared and Jade started having a conversation and she started flipping out like he was cheating on her.

Later, Ashley got the first one-on-one date card and rehearsed how she was going to ask Jared to go with her for about 20 minutes. She finally did, they went on her date, and Crazy McCraze A Lot knows they’re destined to be together because he’s a Scorpio and she’s a Pisces.

Jade got the next one-on-one date and since she was pissed that Jared went on a date with Ashley, she took Tanner. They talked about her Playboy days and then took off their clothes to go for a dip in the ocean. After that, Jade was certain that they had an emotional connection as well as physical. OHHHHHH. K.

Clare came back at the end of the episode for her 20th season on a Bachelor-related show. She must be like 45 by now, right? Isn’t there an age limit? Time to reign in the Bachelor appearances, gurl.

Onion Ashley had to go in an ambulance but we have no idea why.

I just. What. Is. Going. On.


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