Bachelor in Paradise, Week 1 (Part 2): Beefhearts and Crabs

I could write an entire blog post about the “theme song” for this. Please excuse the horrible video but I had to include this and am not technically savvy.

Clare showed up and the girls immediately told her she should take Dan on a date because “he would be perfect for her,” AKA “he’s the only guy that no one likes.” UNTIL, Onion Ashley comes back from the hospital and tells them they had a “cute little date” and Clare was unsurprisingly upset that he was already “attached.” This is the definition of Clare’s personality: Desperation. She’s upset because a guy she’s known for LITERALLY 25 seconds isn’t available and she’s “stuck with Mikey and JJ.”

Making Clare have a heart to heart with a crab a la her raccoon days is pure perfection. Also, the whole “crabs are all over the place” has to be a hint that everyone leaves with crabs (not the good kind) right?


Mikey told Clare that he’s always had a crush on her so her hatred turned to lust and she agreed to take him on her date. They had to do tantric yoga in a tree house which was just as absurd as it sounds. Clare was so annoying with her stupid abbreviations this whole episode but this was the last straw when she said she hoped she didn’t have to “rub privies” with Mikey. Come the fuck on. Mikey was happy to be sweaty with Clare and said his favorite position was downward Clare. Disturbed. He kept telling her how attracted he is to her and she very kindly turned him down and told him that she still wanted to get to know other guys. His response was that he wanted to kiss her and that they had mutual feelings so Mikey is not smart.

Mikey Bachelor in Paradise

Ashley S. got the next date card and she decided to take Dan because they had such a good time at the hospital. Dan pulled out Onion’s chair so she “wouldn’t fall,” so apparently she’s a child. He tells ut that he just “gets” Ashley. That makes one of us.

Ashley S and Dan Bachelor in Paradise

Back at the house, Tenley cried because everyone had a boyfriend except for her. She has a crush on Jared so she went to walk on the beach with him. Of course, Ashley started sobbing because she was jealous and clams up around guys she likes as though she’s a prepubescent teen. She decided to do a couple of shots and then steal Jared from Tenley. She told him she’s scared that someone is going to steal him away from her and he was like Ummm, you’re not my girlfriend and you never will be you crazy bitch. 

Jillian was so aggressive with JJ about getting a rose. Cute little Tenley decided to throw herself at JJ because she knew he was her only shot at staying. She granted him permission to kiss him. Tenley is 31 years old – just for a refresher – she’s not 13, but she acts it. JJ took her up on her offer and we got close-ups of him caressing her ass. UMM, JJ I don’t remember her granting you permission to grope her!

Jared told Clare that if she doesn’t get a rose, his rose is definitely going to her. They were talking about literal roses but I like to think there were some metaphors happening. Ya know? No? Rose=Penis. Ashley cried during this whole ordeal. (From now on, just assume Ashley is always crying and being crazy.)

Ashey I Crying Bachelor in Paradise

True to form, JJ was a little bitch when it was his turn to give the rose. He had to choose between Tenley and Jillian and when Chris Harrison asked if he was ready he was like “No! No, I’m not!” like a 3-year-old. CH tried to appease him and said “Well do you have something you want to say?” And JJ was like “Ugh, I CAN’T!” And practically started stomping his feet on the ground. Finally, he gave Tenley the rose so Jillian had to go home.

This show is going to be wildly entertaining.

I didn’t watch After Paradise because I like to think my “After Blogs” are the only necessity so you don’t get a recap on that.


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