Bachelor in Paradise, Week 2: Ruining Wedding Pinterest Boards

I was in Lake George this weekend and caught up on Sunday and Monday’s episodes last night, so you’re getting a recap of both shows today.

Sunday

The group celebrated those who got to stay and Tenley told them that she believes in this because it worked for her. Define “worked” please, since you’re here again so it couldn’t have been that great.

Lauren I. and Ashley I. fought because Lauren is above whoring it out on National TV, unless Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season shows up – then she’d drop her panties. Just as a refresher, Joshua is the guy who let Kaitlyn cut his hair because he thought she was a hairdresser.
Joshua Kaitlyn haircut

Conveniently, Joshua does end up arriving next. Lauren really wantws to go on a date with him, but if not she said she would go back to her boyfriend at home. However, we learn that this is not her boyfriend and she’s really just his side piece when she refers to herself as a mistress. The guy isn’t married so she has no idea what a mistress is. Someone tell her she’s just a regular old piece of shit.

Apparently, she thought a good way to get Joshua’s attention was to ask if he liked aggressive girls. When he didn’t respond, she added that she was nervous to come on the show because it meant she would be tested for STD’s and she was scared she might have a few diseases. I have no idea why those pickup lines didn’t work but she decided to leave because “this is stupid.” No shit. Ashley yelled at Lauren for leaving paradise to “be a mistress.” Who knew that was an occupation? Ashley sobbed while we watched Lauren leave dramatic suitcase imprints in the sand as she walked away.

AshleyBachelorinParadiseUglyCry

It was time for Joshua to pick a date and JJ was not worried at all about Tenley talking to Joshua. JJ was wearing a hemp/shell necklace, so he had plenty of other things to worry about. Josh ended up asking Tenley and JJ was of course pissed and said “The football players take the girls out. The hockey players take them to bed.” Again, is he not aware of his necklace situation?

Joe showed up next and said that the fact that it was Clare’s third paradise was “terrible.” She got pissed and was like “you don’t know me” and vented to her raccoon friend.

Clare Raccoon Bachelor in Paradise

On Tenley and Joshua’s date, we found out that he went to college for theater and he was a super senior. He really needed that 5th year to move up in the world of Shakespeare, I guess. Tenley worked for Disney which explains why she continues to act like a cartoon character. They had a blast and danced and made out and she was smitten with Joshua. When they got back, JJ took her aside in his tank top to have their own one-on-one. They made out while she still had Joshua’s saliva in her mouth so this sounds like something that would have been better suited for Lauren the mistress.

The next day, Joshua was bragging about being high on Molly all the time. Apparently, Mikey thinks he’s Tenley’s big brother so he felt the need to tell her. She cried and cried and said things that I couldn’t understand because of all the crying. Tenley confronted Joshua about the drug use and he said he tried it once and would never try it again. He was 100% lying but she believed him because she’s a dope.

Joe only wanted to see Samantha from Chris’ season so he wouldn’t pick anyone for a date. Instead, he asked who wanted to go horseback riding and Juelia said she did so that was that. (Side note: I had to Google who Samantha was and still have no idea. Nothing like being highly irrelevant!) On her date with Joe, they made out under a waterfall and totes fell in love. Juelia could totally see herself giving Joe her rose. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Jonathan was upset that Juelia led him on a bit. I was upset by his gold sunglasses.  She was raving about her date and asked the gals to be bridesmaids while Joe said the date was “just okay.” She said their kiss was “so hot” while he told producers that it “wasn’t good.” He admitted that he only led her on so that he would get the rose from her. What a douche.

Dan told Mikey that Clare wasn’t into him and he acted confused and blindsided. Once again, Mikey is not bright. Tenley confirmed that it was true and told him not to try anymore. Give it up, bro. However, he did not take her advice.

Jared asked Clare on a date and Ashley was hysterical because no one ever wants to date her and she’s scared her eggs are going to dry up. She’s finally ready to “open up physically” and Jared doesn’t want it. Poor girl is a walking billboard for how not to act around men. Mikey felt slighted as well because he some how thought “Clare doesn’t like you at all” meant that they were engaged. Idiots.

Mikey Bachelor in Paradise Hair
This picture has nothing to do with anything but I had to include Mikey’s top ponytail somewhere…

Monday

Clare & Jared went sailing on their date and she said he looked like Superman. I get that in comparison to everyone else, he’s obviously the most normal/attractive, but come ON, ladies. They went bungee jumping and my ears still hurt from Clare’s screeching. Ashley cried while Clare told the story of their date and gushed about Jared. Of course she did.

Clare thanked Jared for a great date and he said “well, obviously, you’re 8 years older than me” as thought it was a huge issue. Listen, gals, this is all your fault for making him think he’s some sort of perfect man. After that conversation, Clare decided to give up on Jared. I think. Who knows.

Tenley was thrilled that she had two guys after her. I guess she has no standards since the two who were after her were JJ and Joshua. Michael from Desiree’s season walked into the group to become Tenley’s third suitor. In his mind “her name is Tenley but she’s an Eleven-ley.” You’ve got to be kidding me. Michael and Tenley went on a date and she had so much fun but she was near tears because she didn’t know which man to keep.

Jonathan and Mikey told Juelia that they didn’t trust Joe. When Juelia confronted him he made Jonathan feel like a jerk because they’re friends. Jonathan ended up apologizing and admit that he only said that to try to sabotage Joe because he was worried about not getting a rose. That’s nice and all, but doesn’t take away from the fact that he was completely right. He was sobbing afterwards which I honestly have no words for.

Since Clare tossed Jared aside, he went to secure his rose with Ashley. He lied and said he liked her and was excited to get to know her. They swapped spit, obviously.

Before the rose ceremony, Clare randomly went out on rant about how it was different last year because there was no games being played. She said she’s “here to find love,” while everyone else is here to find herpes, apparently. Jade called her out and was like um hi, I don’t want herpes, I want love, too, you needy bitch.

And then the episode ended. It ended. With a “To Be Continued.” I hate you Chris Harrison.

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