Bachelor in Paradise, Week 3 Part 1: Eeny Meeny Miney JOE

We were greeted by Chris Harrison trying to play therapist to Clare while trying not to laugh at her. Ashley Onion said “Clare probably feels pathetic” since she’s 34 years old participating in a televised orgy and she is absolutely correct. Clare is pathetic and she don’t care who knows it! After getting the attention she craved but never deserved, Clare ended up giving the rose to JJ. Mikey, Jonathan, and Michael were sent home. Tenley said that Michael came with “pure intentions” but it just “didn’t feel right.” Again with the innuendos – choose your words wisely! I guess Joshua really won her over with his drug use. #PrinceCharming

Samantha showed up and Juelia was the most excited to see her because they were very close on Chris’ season when they pretended that they wanted to live in a farm in Iowa with the most boring human alive. How convenient – Juelia’s BFF will be the one to steal her man. As predicted, Samantha immediately asked Joe to go on her date. We found out that they were “talking” before the show. I think we remember how that turns out, right? Maybe Nick Viall can weigh in on the outcome.

Kaitlyn and Nick break up

Juelia felt disrespected because Joe and Sam held hands in front of her and he didn’t even have the courtesy to ask for her permission beforehand. That would have made it okay, apparently. No matter how you slice it, Joe is a douche and not even remotely attractive. Juelia cried and Tenley hugged her for an uncomfortably long amount of time to try and help. I’m sure she didn’t.

Samantha and Joe posed for a “sexy photoshoot” on their date and Sam did not hesitate to tell us that Joe got a huge boner during it. Thanks for the visual. They came home and shared the gory details of their date and Joe acted like he couldn’t tell that Juelia’s eyes were bloodshot and swollen from crying all day. Jared told Joe that he needed to talk to Juelia and he said he didn’t want to talk to a Debbie Downer.

Couples Update

We find out that Clare is still missing her Raccoon back home. Honestly, I can’t applaud the producers enough for how they edit this shit.

Jade and Tanner have a solid relationship so they’re boring.

Carly is a horndog and wasn’t shy about letting everyone know that she wanted to bang Kirk. I LOLed when she said she’s the hottest guy there, though. She knows he’s a ginger, right?

Kirk Bachelor in Paradise

Carly tells Kirk that she is looking for a relationship and someone to start a family with. He was like, well I’ve known you for 5 days so can we get to know each other a little bit better first? Carly’s brother was getting married that day but she missed the wedding for the once of a lifetime opportunity to go on this asinine show. They called her brother and I guess Kirk liked seeing that side of her so he accepted her invitation to a fantasy suite date so they could bang.

Onion Ashley is smitten with Dan so she thinks that means they can get married tomorrow but Dan doesn’t feel the same. He said Ashley “got emotional” the other night and now he’s not sure if their personalities would mesh. I hope he finds the Stepford Wife he’s looking for, who knows not to show any sort of emotion. Ashley is the only person here with dignity, so she told Dan that she would leave if he didn’t feel the same way as her.

Other Stupid Points

Megan was the next idiot to show up and I just couldn’t deal with her pretending to be lost while there are cameras following her around. Producers: Less of this, more of the funny shit a la Clare’s Raccoon.

Megan woke JJ up to ask if he would go on a date with her. MAJOR props to JJ for not punching her in the face. If someone woke me up to see if I wanted to go on a date I would have had the opposite reaction.

Who Disturbs My Slumber Aladdin

The Joe Situation

How many stupid people with good bodies does it take to figure out that Joe is an asshole? Probably none because they’re too stupid and I’m sure Chris Harrison had to tell them to instigate this brawl. Everyone loves Juelia even though she spells her name ridiculously so they want to figure out what the hell happened.

While they chatted, we had to watch Joe and Sam have sex in the disease-ridden hot tub. What’s 8 more STDs, amirite?

For some reason, Dan felt very protective over Juelia and decided he needed to “have a talk” with Joe. He was like “everyone needs to stop being little bitches and stay out of my business” which sounded even trashier with his accent. He eventually caved and went to talk to Juelia, buttttt everyone else was around. What is this, group therapy? Anyway, he admitted that he was “talking” to Sam before and knew she would be on the show. No one gives a shit that you came here for Sam, Joe. They care that you’re an asshole who used Juelia to stay. Once Juelia threatened to tell Sam what happened, Joe finally shut up and apologized.

Juelia and Sam have a chat where Juelia, presumably shares her side of the story. I assume we’ll find out tonight. This better be good.

 

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