Bachelor in Paradise, Week 4 Part 1: Textgate 2015

I’m sorry for the delay because I know some of you actually wait on the edge of your seats for these recaps. I went to a Fifth Harmony concert last night (more on that later) and didn’t have time to watch and blog up to par.


We picked up with everyone loathing Joe and all he stands for. Everyone was team Juelia because she’s a widowed mother. I get it, but would they be sticking up for her like this if she weren’t? Let’s just support her because she’s – oh I don’t know – human? Anyway, JJ offered to give Juelia his rose so she could stay and see if someone showed up who peaked her interest but she turned him down because she didn’t want him to get in the way of love AKA Megan, I guess.

T continue the Joe/Sam/Juelia saga everyone had a chat together. Again, with the group therapy – can we stop? Juelia asked Joe if he led her on knowing that he would ditch her when Sam arrived. He kind of admitted that they talked before the show but that was it. Sam wouldn’t admit that they talked before and didn’t care about Juelia who is supposedly her friend. WHY DO WE CARE? WHY DOES IT MATTER? Ignore them, carry on with your business, and most importantly, stay out of the disease-ridden hot tub.

Everyone continued their irrelevant conversation but Ashley wanted to get away from the group so she could look at Jared’s chiseled jaw and imagine what their babies would look like together. She basically asked him to kiss her and he absolutely did not want to but did anyway. Poor Ashley. Actually, no. Poor Jared.

Juelia was concerned because she thought that someone was going to give up their rose to let her stay and Kirk was like uhhh, no. I’m certainly not doing that. Won’t happen. Carly? Where’s Carly? Tenley tried to convince JJ to give Juelia his rose so she could stay. Who do they think is going to show up? None of these bachelor people are great. Let her go home and see her daughter and meet a normal man! In the end, Juelia talked to Chris Harrison and said that she regretted not giving her rose to Mikey last week. She straight up asked if Mikey could come back. BALLSY.

At the rose ceremony, JJ gave his rose to Ashley S. and everyone was shocked and confused and pissed that he didn’t give it to Juelia. They played military-like music like JJ was some sort of hero. Apparently he had a lady friend back home who he wanted to try to get back. Praise Chris Harrison that JJ is gone. Oh, and Clare.  Thank you, Bachelor gods. She went home along with Megan and Juelia except OH WAIT THIS PLACE IS A JUNGLE AND THERE ARE NO RULES. On Juelia’s depressing walk to the car, Mikey popped out to tell her they were both staying and would get the chance to date. WHAT!? No. You both got voted off. Go home. If you want to date there are ways to do that in real life. Ugh.

Mikey and Juelia

Jade and Tanner went on a trip to Tequila, Mexico which sounds like my kind of place. They took a private jet there because I guess the Bachelor franchise got their budget back. They had overnight date which seems so much more enjoyable when your companion is not dating 3 other people. Tanner told Jade that he’s scared he’s going to fall in love with her and that they’re going to leave and part ways. She was silent for an uncomfortable amount of time before he was like Give me something, playgirl. She agreed that she was falling for him and scared of what could happen. Falling. Scared. So many feels. They made it offish and decided to be BFGF and everyone was jealous as shit, so true to form, this is middle school.

Joe was on cloud 9 “walking from cloud to cloud” apparently, but not for long. Samantha is a not-so-closet slutty slut. Nick from a Bachelorette season I can’t remember joined the show next. He said that he and Samantha texted before the show and he was here to meet her. The look on her face when he walked in was priceless. He asked Samantha to go on his date and they went to go chat but she told him she wouldn’t go. Interesting.

Nick decided to take Ashley S. instead. They showed up to a deserted island where a nice Mexican man told them it was closed because of “danger,” which we later learned was a storm, I believe. They got massages instead which Nick said was great because it really helps you get to know a person better. How so, Nick? Because you’re practically nakey the whole time? They made sure to really get comfortable and take 5 shots of tequila beforehand. Ashley had to massage Nick which sounds like a horrible time for her, but whatever. You could see Nick’s bulge through his shorts and they made it seem like a bird was telling Ashley to grab a hold. I can’t even with this show. Bravo, producers. They were absolutely hammered by the end of the date. Ashley was slurring in her confessionals. I literally don’t even understand what they were trying to say to each other. They woke up and were both incredibly hungover. Obviously.

It was Joe’s “burtdai” (birthday) so he had something special planned for Sam. Color me crazy, but shouldn’t she have planned something for him? Their date was horrible. While they stared at a sad piece of birthday cake, Sam told Joe that she doesn’t trust him because of all the drama. Talk about depressing. Joe thought Sam was stupid for leaving him because someone must have lied to him once and told him that he was a catch. Joe said that he’s going to threaten to show their text messages to prove they talked before the show because that is how to win someone over. He said he was just pissed because he had never deceived anyone before in his life, except for 3 days ago when he tricked Juelia, I guess.

Jared admitted that he wasn’t over Kaitlyn and everyone was like okay well you have to tell crazy Ashley so she can cancel the wedding venue she booked last week. Jared told her and added that he’s not sure if they have chemistry together. Ever the nice guy, he didn’t want to lead her on and have her possibly miss out on a great guy. She held it together pretty well considering the sobbing she does on an hourly basis. That is, until she was alone surrounded by producers.

Ashey I Crying Bachelor in Paradise 2

Ashley hates drama so she called Kaitlyn and exaggerated that Jared was still “obsessed with her” and Kaitlyn was like Leave me alone, I’m busy snap chatting a pic of Shawn and myself to leak some spoilers.


The next day, Ashley thought it would be a good idea to talk to Joe because they were both just dumped. Joe is actually the worst person she could have picked to talk to because he said he can’t handle “emotions.” Ashley, can you not read people? If I were upset and my only options were to talk to Joe or a raccoon, I’d pick the raccoon. Or Jorge. He seems cool. Anyway, Ashley started sobbing because Jared “ruined” her and she will compare every other guy to him because he is pure perfection. Again, ladies, Jared is not that great. She said she will never get over a man she’s known for 2 weeks, kissed twice, and has never been on a date with, so she’s emotionally stable. Later on, Joe thought it would be a good idea to ask Ashley for relationship advice. Again – can you not read people, either? Ashley told him to “start over” and go up to Sam and say “Hi, I’m Joe” and start a conversation like it was their first time meeting. He did this. You guys – he listened! LOLOL. She completely ignored him and he was shocked. Again, someone needs to tell him he’s not as great as he thinks he is.

Mikey and Juelia went on a date to Guadelajara and Juelia sat on his lap on the plane and it was really weird.

Juelia and Mikey Bachelor in ParadiseJuelia knew it would be a romantic date, which apparently meant going to a wrestling match.  They got to go in the ring after and “wrestle” AKA run around. Mikey & Juelia got a card stating they could have an overnight date. The interns this season have weird hand writing. Juelia accepted after 3 seconds of pretending to debate.

Kirk put a date together for Carly and took her fishing. By ” took her fishing” I mean, they walked to a rock in front of the resort and stood there to fish. No thanks.

Everyone finally started to catch on to the fact that Sam is the absolute worst. Joe confronted her and in her defense, she was like “uh, they were text messages. You can’t really determine a relationship based on text messages you lunatic.” 

Justin from Kaitlyn’s season showed up and he looked vaguely familiar but I will never take him seriously because he was wearing a button down completely unbuttoned down to his stomach. Joe told him not to talk to Sam but he did anyway and she accepted his date. Everyone thought Joe was going to flip out but he actually did not. Sam took him aside to chat with him. She told him she wanted to have a “clean slate” and he was confused. To be honest, so was I. Bitch couldn’t just say whether she wanted to date him or not because she loves having everyone pining after her. She clarified that she is not sure how she feels about it. Leave him alone then. You’re both so annoying and I can’t watch you anymore.

To be continued…..UGH



2 thoughts on “Bachelor in Paradise, Week 4 Part 1: Textgate 2015

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