Bachelor in Paradise: Final Thoughts

I’m honestly too late to the game to do a recap on this week’s Bachelor in Paradise. So, I’m not going to do that. However, you will get my final thoughts because I can never stay mum about these morons.

  • Ashley quite obviously still has her V-card because let’s face it – Jared is not stupid. I’m sure he would have loved to bang her but could you even imagine her handling their break-up (is it called a break-up if you never dated!?) if they had sex? Girlfriend is nuts and would not have given up that easily. I have no idea where she’ll go from here, but maybe she should be a comedienne, because saying that she “grew-up” and “learned a lot” in paradise had me actually laughing out loud.
    Ashley I laughing
  • Tenley. Tenley, Tenley, Tenley. She likes to write – if writing means scribbling random words in a notebook including “unexpected expectations.” Someone get the girl a dictionary and/or thesaurus. I’m actually impressed that Tenley turned Joshua down because she obviously knew it wouldn’t work but you could tell she was sort of thinking about settling. However, her reasoning was just absurd and insulting. He lives in Idaho, and she’s a “big city girl” who “needs friends and things happening” so she could never stoop to his lowly level. Tenley runs some sort of health/juicing/green/gross company, I think. She’ll meet a douche who does CrossFit and they will live happily ever after.
  • HOW ARE NICK AND SAM STILL TOGETHER? Does she actually just not know how to show emotion other than “cold evil bitch?” I choked in shock and horror when she accepted the rose from him. She was cringing when they kissed. I am so confused.
  • Cassandra and Justin were obviously a joke. Who knew that you had to know someone for over 10 hours to establish a relationship? Don’t worry, though, because now she’s shacking up with Jonathan which actually makes a lot of sense since I can’t stand either of them. Enjoy.
    CassandraAndJonathan
  • ZOMG CARLY AND KIRK. The funniest part about this was Kirk’s surprise at her reaction. How dumb are you, bro? Anyway, Carly gave us the best thing in the entire world and wrote a song.

    ATTENTION ALL BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE REJECTS: I’mma need you all to write a ridiculous song about your heartbreak.
  • Tanner and Jade were predictable as ever. They said their I love you’s for the first time and Tanner proposed. I can’t even snark about it. It was really cute – I found myself smiling. I know, send help. I need it to be January so I can get back to my normal judgey ways with Ben & 25 crazy bitches.
    Jade and Tanner Engaged
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