I Loathe You, TSA

I started to write a post on airport travel tips since I’m obviously an expert on the subject from being in a long distance relationship. However, I remembered a story that was far more important so you’re getting that instead.


The scene: The 5th of July at Reagan National Airport. (Honestly I could be wrong about the date and which airport I was flying out of but just know that it was a holiday weekend at a major airport so security was absurd.)

After waiting in line at security for nearly 45 minutes, I finally made my way through and had 15 minutes until my flight was boarding. I was waiting for my bag to come through and heard a TSA agent yell murmur “knife check.” I thought If I see my damn bag there I will flip shit. Yup there it is. For sure, lady. My Vera Bradley duffle bag contains an entire knife set. I was trying to think of what it could possibly be – maybe my razor, or tweezers? After a few minutes of no one coming over to check my bag, I finally asked what the hold up was. This was our conversation:

Me: What is it that needs to be checked? Can you open it? I need to get to my flight. (I was still calm because I figured I would just have them keep something if they had to. I knew there wasn’t a knife in there, of course.)

TSA Agent: Knife check (whispered, again, to no one among the chaos of passengers trying to get to their flights)

I looked around and there was literally no other TSA agent near her.
Muppets

I was no longer calm.

Me: Who is coming to look exactly? Can’t you just open it? I’m asking you to open it.

TSA Agent: (She sighed like this was inconveniencing her and opened my flower-patterned, knife-yielding bag.) It’s this.

THIS IS WHAT SHE PULLED OUT OF MY BAG 

Me: (Obviously dumbfounded and pissed at myself for accidentally leaving that in my bag) “That’s what the issue is?”

TSA Agent: (Annoyed) Mmmm hmmm.

Me: Okay, then just throw it out. I need to catch my flight.

I reached to grab my contact solution-less and knife-less bag but she held on to it.

TSA Agent: Well, someone’s coming to check it.

Me: (Blood boiling) But isn’t that what you just did? If you throw it out and I don’t take it with me, I can just go, right? My flight is in like 5 minutes. Just throw it out!

TSA Agent: Yeah, if you throw it out you can go but someone’s coming. (She nodded at someone around the corner.)

Me: (Raging Bull) THROW. IT. OUT. AND. GIVE. ME. MY. BAG.

Raging Bull

She shrugged and dramatically tossed the dangerous contact solution into the trash can before handing me my bag. For the record, I did make my flight. They were halfway through boarding when I got to the gate.

When I got home, I found an 8 oz bottle of lotion that I forgot to leave at Tim’s that somehow sneaked by security. That’ll show them.

Donald Trump Smug

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4 thoughts on “I Loathe You, TSA

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