If I have to read one more article or blog post about how to have a “guilt free” Thanksgiving, I’m going to personally go to the author’s home and eat 4 pieces of pie in front of them while they are forced to eat a pile of raw kale. I’m honestly appalled that it’s 2015 and people are asking for guidance on this shit – or worse, people are offering the advice.
Each article is along the lines of “Indulge, but not too much!” *wink wink* Oh yea, that one bite of mashed potatoes really reached my craving quota until next Thanksgiving. Or “Load your plate up with veggies so your plate looks full but you’re not eating too much of the bad stuff. Plus, it’ll be more nutritrious!” *winkity wink wink*
GTFO. Your blasphemous “celebrations” are not wanted. Are we really even being grateful if we don’t mindlessly gorge ourselves into a food coma and end the evening moaning and groaning on the floor wondering if there’s any pie left? Isn’t that what our forefather’s would want!? So, I have one piece of advice on how to eat “guilt free” this holiday season.
If you need some guidance, I’ve compiled a small list you can follow.
On Thanksgiving, never have I ever:
- Regretted a second helping of mashed potatoes
- Had to choose between pumpkin or apple pie, because I eat both, ya’ll
- Eaten a green bean not coated in cream and crispy fried onions
- Inhaled fewer than 2 doughy and buttery rolls
- Worn pants with a zipper
Join me, won’t you?