The Bachelor Ben, Week 5: The Spatchuler

Can we talk about how outraged we all were when George Stephanopoulos came on our screens last night!?

George Snuffleupagus Friends.jpg

Luckily, they just pushed the show back 3 minutes. I would not have handled it well if I missed this show to look at Donald Trump. #Merica


The clan went to Mexico this week and Emily was excited because her sister left and now she didn’t “have anything holding her back.” Just kick your sister to the curb, why don’t ya? Amanda got the solo date and Olivia was surprised because she has children and that’s not what Ben wants. Well aren’t you just a mind reader, Liv? Ben woke up the girls at 4:20AM so he could get Amanda up for their date. Shout out to the girl with the retainer – I feel you, sister. Amanda woke up looking better than I look with a full face of make-up, which was a nice reminder of how fair the universe is.

They took a hot air balloon ride and Amanda told him she was “nervous because it’s nerve-wracking.” A thesaurus couldn’t even help these girls. We found out that Amanda was married to her baby daddy but he was a douche bag so she ended it. Good for you, Mandy. She got a rose, duh.

Group Date

Jubilee, Becca, Jojo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia got the group date. Olivia wasn’t concerned because she doesn’t even want him, she “needs him.” *Cue psycho knife*

They went to a Spanish class and everyone was flipping out because they thought they would be cooking. They were also probably flipping out because they can barely form complete sentences in English, let alone Spanish. Olivia thought she was special when he whispered sweet nothings to her in Spanish even though she watched him say the same things to 8 other girls.

The girls were told they’d be participating in a cooking competition. They accurately caught on saying “first we buy the ingredients, and then we follow the recipe.” Congratulations, ladies – you have the intelligence of an 8-year-old! Olivia snagged Ben as her “cooking partner” and everyone talked shit about her by complaining about her bad breath – AGAIN! Girlfriend must stank. Ben dubbed himself the “Spatchuler” and it’s the first time I hated him all season. Jubilee won the cooking contest which got her bragging rights and literally nothing else. We’re too far into this to just give away roses willy-nilly.

Bachelor Ben - Jojo Taco

The evening portion of this date was so boring. Olivia was Olivia and I’m over her even for entertainment purposes. Jennifer said something creepy about being fully committed to Ben’s soul. Jubilee was pissed because she apparently misunderstood the premise of the show and doesn’t like to see Ben with other women. She told Ben about her insecurities and he was basically like “well you won’t hold my hand!!!” They continued bickering like children until Ben sent her home and then sat in a dark corner by himself before telling the other girls. Jojo interrupted him while he was explaining so she could be the one to save the day. Olivia got the group date rose and everyone was horrified.

Second One-on-one Date

Lauren H. got the second one-on-one date.Lauren H. Ben Bachelor.gif

They modeled in a Mexican fashion show which was just plain strange. Just when I thought Lauren was about to be friend-zoned, girlfriend saved herself and got a rose by telling Ben about her bad break-up with her ex.

Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony

Amanda was talking about her kids and Olivia told her it was like an episode of Teen Mom. Say WHAAAA? She called her out and Olivia started crying and told them that she would start trying more with them. Too late, gurl. Emily was the idiot who thought it was a good idea to tattle on Olivia to Ben. Everyone knows snitches never survive this on this show!! She was crying and somehow her mascara was not running!!! So many exclamation points!! Anyway she was sobbing and called Haley. Oh, NOW you need your sister again.

Amanda and Jennifer both confirmed with Ben that Olivia is crazy. He was confused because when he’s alone with Olivia, he thinks it’s great, but the women are saying something different. Hmm, Ben – maybe realize that women are far more intuitive than you’ll ever be.







3 thoughts on “The Bachelor Ben, Week 5: The Spatchuler

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