The Bachelor, Week 7: It’s So Small

I played lots of catch-up last night on Sunday and Monday’s episodes so we’re gonna break this out into 3 parts.

PART ONE

Sunday’s episode began with a “Chris Tells All” portion which makes absolutely no sense because he barely speaks to begin with anyway. It started out with Kelsey who continued to use big words to try and act more intelligent than she actually is. Unfortunately, it didn’t work and she was even more irritating than she was on the show. She said “as a mental health professional” she knew she was having a panic attack. As a “fellow human being,” I beg of you to choose a different profession because you are not qualified (sane enough) to help others. She then spoke about the situation with Ashley last week and she said she hoped it was clear she still highly respected Ashley. Yeah, OKAY.

Chris Harrison asked Chris Farmer about the 2-on-1 date from last week and he admitted that was “surprised” to hear Kelsey was acting fake, which shows that he is super intuitive.

Chris also brought up other contestants but I’ll only touch on a few. Ashley S. was up first and Farmer chalked up her odd onion behavior to her not liking cameras. Harrison added that her audition tape was “completely normal.” So, we just ignored the fact that she clearly wasn’t being herself just so we could get some good ratings? Nice work, folks.

“Did you like Jillian, or did you like the short shorts?” a horny Chris Harrison finally inquired. Farmer admitted that he wasn’t opposed to them because he is a man. They talked about other awkward things that were super boring and I honestly didn’t pay attention to very much of it until….

ANDI came on sobbing and Chris Harrison had to awkwardly apologize for her heartbreak. She claimed that she and Josh were struggling for a while and Chris Harrison interrupted and was like “wait, let’s relive your engagement” because you seem stable enough to do that. What was that about? Anyway, Andi basically told us that they just didn’t “better each other” but she doesn’t seem “better” now, so I guess the rumors are true and he was mostly just after the fame. She seemed so genuinely hurt. I felt bad for her and don’t know why she agreed to this interview.

PART TWO

Sunday’s actual episode portion started with girl talk when the hyenas told Chris they were proud of him for sending both Ashley and Kelsey home. Soon after, Chris sent Megan home, but basically because she’s the one who asked how he felt about her. He was like “oh, now that you mention it, I definitely don’t have feelings for you so I guess you should just go.” He is such a little pansy.

The girls pretended to be sad but it was only because they realized that one more girl still needed to be sent home. That is, until Chris told him that no one would be leaving because he wanted them ALL to go to the place that in his words “defines him” – IOWA. Time and again we have been told how Chris’ town is so boring and would make any of these ladies want to drop dead upon being there. Now he says this is what defines him? These asshats continued to be delusional, hallucinating that Chris has a personality and screamed in enthusiasm when they heard this news. I just can’t.

Jade got the first one-on-one date and she got to see Chris’ house and “one of” the farms he owns. This dude is rich, huh? I guess he’s got that going for him. Jade kept repeating how much corn there was and was shocked by how small and rundown the “downtown” area was. You said yourself that it was a population of 400 people. What exactly were you expecting, a parade of 5 cars for your arrival? Jackwagon. Their date gave me so many LOLs. Nothing like going to a high school football game to show the Playboy model you want to marry that you peaked at 18 years old. She met the entire town, including his parents, which is huge. Later, Jade giggled that she was such a rebel and got in trouble a few times. After she didn’t elaborate at all, Chris said he knew she had a good head on her shoulders now, so he’s definitely sure her rebel days are over. Even though they lost the football game, Chris totes thought he was a winner. Freaking shoot me. After their entire town chanted “Kiss Chris” they made out on the field. In case the whole “Playboy era” didn’t give it away, Jade let us know that she doesn’t need chanting to stick her tongue down Farmer’s upside down smile mouth. After this date, Chris was confident that Jade would fit in if she moved to Arlington. I guess her high heeled booties gave it away.

This entire time, Britt was so pissed because she knew she wasn’t going to get a chance to see what her life would be like in Arlington. So, when Jade told them about her date, Britt started crying. Standard behavior. The rest of the girls decided to take a road trip to Arlington because, understandably so, Carly made the point that while they were here they had to see what it would be like if they did marry Chris. They got there and realized that nothing was open anymore and Britt was outraged when it only took them 2 minutes to drive through town. Again, these bitches keep repeating that the population is 400 so I am continually amazed at their amazement of the size. Use your brains, dip wads. Locals told them that they would need to leave town if they wanted to eat anything at all and again, these girls were horrified. “But what about movies?” Yeah, no gas station, but we have a state of the art theater. I wanted to punch every single one of them during this whole thing – even more than usual.

Whitney got the second one-on-one date and they went to Des Moines because Chris knew he had to show her that Iowa does have some civilization. She was a little too excited about their “awesome” date to go take pictures around the city. These two might actually be a match made in heaven crazy town. They went to dinner and she met 3 of Chris’ best friends and I couldn’t focus because the fact that a grown man in his mid-30s has a best friend ranking made me so ragey. Afterwards, Chris showed her some (possibly illegal) graffiti of one of their pictures on the side of the building and she squealed.

The group date brought Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt to an ice rink for some skating and hockey. Britt pulled Chris aside to tell him about their trip to Arlington but since she’s a lying liar who lies, she told him that she loved it there when she actually told everyone else that she couldn’t imagine living there. OH. EM. GEE. Carly was like aw hell no and told Chris about Britt’s lying ways. Chris talked to Britt about it again and she said it would be fun to “try,” which is exactly what you want to hear when someone is referring to marriage.

Kaitlyn told Farmer she was worried because their relationship hadn’t progressed as much as others have and Chris reassured her by telling her that she stood out in weeks one and two. As Kaitlyn pointed out, that’s essentially useless when you’re down to the top 5 girls. He’s obviously not great with words, so he gave her a rose instead to show how he feels. After 7 weeks, Chris has still not mastered the whole “easing back into the group after giving someone else a rose” and awkward silence ensued while Britt gave him death stares. She finally broke the silence by having a conversation in front of the girls that probably should have been in private. She basically told Chris that she wants to be first in line all the time and her husband will know she is the one and not need to date other girls. UM, you came on the wrong show then, Britt. Chris (shockingly) handled this well and was basically like “I’m not going to shower you with compliments and tell you how much I want you here in front of Kaitlyn and Carly.”

PART THREE

In our final episode of the week, Britt told the hyenas that she was going home because Chris didn’t give her the rose on the group date. Ain’t no man who’s gonna be her husband gonna overlook her overdone make-up and unwashed hair. She got all dolled up for her planned break-up with Chris and planned on talking to him before the rose ceremony but then CH told the ladies that there was not going to be a cocktail party. Britt was so concerned because apparently there is no speaking allowed once they are lined up like the Von Trapp family. She interrupted him at the worst possible moment to speak with him and apologized for acting like a crazy bitch the night before. This was the first time we found out that Chris does, in fact, have bawls and possibly a brain. He was like ya know what, you’re a bitch and I don’t want that kind of person in my life so GTFO. Britt sobbed in the yard in her too-short dress while Carly laughed at her misfortune. I like you, Car.

In case it wasn’t obvious based on her sobbing, Chris told the girls that Britt went home. After that garbage, he sent Carly home. I’m just upset because I wanted her to be the next Bachelorette and I don’t think she made it far enough for that to happen – ugh. Relax, girl, you would have been miserable with that guy.

Chris went to Louisiana (I think) to Becca’s hometown. They sat in a kayak in the middle of a disgusting pond and talked about their feelings because why not? When Chris talked to her mom, she told him “holding hands is special for my baby girl so keep it in your pants.” Becca’s sister also addressed the whole virginity thing. (Side note: I completely forgot about this because she didn’t broadcast like a damn animal. Take notes, Ashley I.) Anyway, Becca basically said she’d tell him if she made it to the fantasy suites and if he had a problem with it then it wasn’t meant to be. I like the maturity, girl. Again, please follow suit, Ash.

Chris went to Chicago next to see Whitney. First, I just need to address the fact that Chris is considering to proposing to this girl in 3 weeks and he JUST found out that Whitney’s mother passed away 10 years ago. I hate this show. Anyway, she’s a fertility nurse and joked “let’s make a baby,” which was outrageous but his enthusiastic “okay!” was even more outrageous. She took him to work and again jokingly asked him to give a “specimen” – if you will – for testing. Further proving that this ass has no sense of humor, he believed her. Not only that, he was actually going to do it!!! BRAIN CELLS, FARMER. USE THEM. They went to visit with her family and her sister kept asking Whit if she could really live in a small town. Whitney was like “he’s going to ask for your approval so don’t you dare fuck this up for me.” Her sister was all “ummm no he’s dating 3 other people you ass.” When Chris finally asked Whitney’s sister she was like I want whoever proposes to my sister to know that she is the only one “so call me when you have that for her.” Good for you, Whitney’s sister! Later on, through tears, Whit told Farmer that she loves him. I would be crying, too, girl.

Chris went to Phoenix with Kaitlyn next and she planned a date for them to write and rap songs – so she definitely knows him well. True to form, Chris showed us that he’s talented at nothing. Kaitlyn went on to have a ridiculous conversation with her mom where they talked about the fact that she “hearts” Chris, so it’s getting pretty serious. She even went so far as to have “Kaitlyn ❤ Chris” put on a billboard.

Chris went on to Nebraska next to meet Jade’s family. But first, Jade has a deep dark naked Playboy secret. Chris kept repeating how happy he was that they shared the same slutty values. Jade’s father had a solid chat with her about how she needs someone who will accept her for who she is, so I guess we know where the Daddy issues/Playboy participation came from. She finally told Chris about the nudies and he was like “sure let’s see ’em” because even though he has an awful laugh, he does have a penis. He basically told her that it didn’t matter to him – since now he knows she has an awesome bod.

Also, now that he’s seen her naked body, he has no use for her in the fantasy suites next week, so he sent her home. Bye, Jade. It’s been real.

Our top 3 are now Whitney, Becca, and Kaitlyn. Obviously, Kaitlyn goes home next week, right? She’s too crazy for him. I’m going out on a limb and saying that Whitney is the winner.

I’m sorry this was so wordy and lengthy but I have to make up for Chris’ lack of ability to speak. Until next time…