The Bachelor, Week 6: Nobody Can Take My Sparkle Away

Alternative Title: I can’t control my eyebrow

If you had watched any previews for The Bachelor this week, you knew that shit was ’bout to go down – and go down it did. Sean and his six mistresses went to the island of St. Croix. Now we’re talking. I’m now applying to be on this show for both the wine and the tropical vacations.

The first date went to Ashlee and- do I even have to tell you? They went to a private island and made out right at the shoreline and definitely got a lot of sand up in their hoo-has. This girl annoyed me more and more as the episode progressed. Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled that she contributed to the “sabotage” of Tierra’s relationship with Sean (we’ll get to that later), but she was just too much for me to handle. Sean asked her if there was anything he needed to know before meeting her family. Her reaction was so exaggerated. Am I the only one who thought she was about to tell him she murdered someone? Turns out she was just a dumb 17 year old and married her high school boyfriend for approximately 30 seconds. Pull yourself together, woman! Who gives a shit?

Tierra was pissed when she found out about her date because they’d be outside and she didn’t want to deal with bugs and the heat ruining her make-up. Yea, what a rough day you had frolicking in the streets of St. Croix.

Catherine, Des, and Lindsay went on a group date. Sean woke them up at 4AM (I would’ve been sent home right then for smacking him for waking me up – kudos ladies) and they went to the eastern most part of the island to be the first four people to watch the sunrise in the U.S. As Des said, it would’ve been way more romantic if there weren’t multiple women pining for Sean. Catherine and Lindsay were miffed because Des kept giving Sean a lot of attention and riding shotgun in the car. Do something about it. Do you not know standard shotgun rules? Anyway, Catherine told Sean about her Dad and his struggle with mental illness. He’s not very present in her life and she wanted to explain why her Dad wouldn’t be there if he met her family. It was actually quite touching. Then Des cried to him because her family is just so amazing and she wants Sean to meet them. I was convinced those were forced tears because she thought it would get her the rose. Turns out, it went to Lindsay. Atta girl, Bridezilla.

Lesley’s date was pretty lame. They went to some garden and picked fruit or something. She was so nervous. In her confessional, she admitted that she wanted to tell Sean she loved him, but she chickened out. It’s probably a good thing because there’s no way that was true. She kept saying how natural it felt between them but all I was seeing was awkwardness. Turns out this was her ticket home.

Okay – yada, yada, blah, blah. Dates are over. Now onto the cat fight.

Tierra confronted Ashlee for “throwing her under the bus.” First, let’s address the fact that using this phrase is stating that there is something to be “thrown” so she’s admitting she was in the wrong. The back and forth between the “fight scene” and Sean’s sister saying “I don’t want you to end up with that girl” was just so well put together. Bravo, producers.

Some favorite quotes from Tierra during this fight:

“Girls are jealous. Men love me!”

“My parents told me I have a sparkle, and they said. ‘Tierra, don’t let anyone take away that sparkle.'” Deep, gurl. My parents told me I’d be rich, but here I sit spending the majority of my time writing a blog I’m not paid for.

In response to Ashlee stating that she just raises her eyebrow rather than responding to questions: “Raised eyebrow!? That’s my face!” This had me actually laughing at her. That, my dear, is over-plucking.

Tierra obviously ends up fake crying. Did anyone see any liquid come from her eyeballs during this scene? I sure as hell didn’t – just a bunch of ugly “I’m trying to cry” faces. Sean sent her home, but honestly I still wanted to shake him for being so naive. His reasoning? He realized this was just too “emotionally hard” for Tierra and didn’t want her to have to go through this anymore. What. A moron. I can’t wait for him to watch this back and realize how stupid he looked.

Lesley ended up going home as well. I was bummed because I liked her but it was expected after their date. Catherine was bawling when Lesley left. She claimed it was because she thought Lesley was a better match for Sean than she was, so she questioned how Sean could want to be with her, now. What I gathered from this is that she’s in love with Lesley, not Sean. No other reason for those sobs. It was awkward.

P.S. When I was searching pictures, I found out that there is a twitter for Tierra’s Eyebrow. I cannot.